Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

T who's abandoning me for 5 months and T who's replacing her for 5 months,

I don't want to see either of you. I don't want sessions with you. It's useless. It's all useless.

YOU deceived me, BETRAYED me and humiliated me. You and people who I thought were my friends. No one is trustworthy. I was a drn fool!! I thought you were special. What an idiot I was.

Hi t. I am working on my homework, the story the cards tell, and am having fun w it!

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Dear t: thank you for being one of the good ones. I am so grateful.

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Without meaning to quote Kelis...

I hate, you so much right now.

aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh

t,

im feeling sick. ive been in bed all day. i managed to take a shower . thinking about tomorrow makes me feel bad because i dont want to work. im wondering if i should come to game night...i dont want to make anyone sick. maybe i am not sick just worn down. i dont know. i want to come to game night though to be around people. you said it was my homework to come. like i told u i am either alone or at work. i dunno if my rommate is coming home at six or going to her boyfriends or idk. i just feel down int he dumps today... i texted you saying T i need suppoert , do you still care about me? you said yes of course. i said...are you mad that i asked u that? you said..no not at all. those 2 texts helped me feel a little better. i feel really exhausted and tired and just... idk. maybe tomorrow will be beter.

me

Just told you I miss you. I feel like a loser when I do that but I do it anyway, not sure why.

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I feel so stupid for being angry at you. You will see how angry in session tomorrow and in my notes but you won't see how ashamed I am about it. It has eaten me up all day and I managed to get through without SH so at least I don't have that to be ashamed of on top of everything else.

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Maybe i got my dad and the snake mixed up. I mean my adoptive dad not the **** who I happen to share 50% of my genetic material.

I'm so happy things are good with us again

T. I don't understand you. I don't understand why you keep letting me come see you. I'm so stupid.

I let my father do disgusting stuff to me for years and I didn't do one thing to stop it. I wasn't incapable. Just stupid. Scared and stupid. I don't know how you can stand to work with someone like me.

Is it too much to ask that a T be there for ME? For me and ONLY ME? Not someone taking MORE INTEREST IN A former friend of mine!! What kind of T are you?? Just one with a sign on the door that means nothing to you.

Dear FM,

Thank you for helping me discover kindness and compassion for myself and rediscover it for others. Because of your generousity, I now have it for myself, and I can give it unconditionally to others as you gave to me.

Love,
wtr

We all know why you wanted HER!! You're a pathetic sorry excuse for a T.

weird how thinking that my email must have made you laugh (based on your response) made my day.
But, seriously, when you said "...all those doubts tumbled out..." The word tumbled just seemed way too soft to me. So I replied, "No, cotton balls and kittens tumble. This is Mount Vesuvius..."
I chuckled a little too. I pictured you laughing at my description. It's always a warm laugh. It somehow says "I'm sorry you're hurting".

Dear T,

I don't want to come to session tonight. I want to call in sick because I don't want to leave the house. I'm starting to slide down the rabbit hole again and I'm tired of hearing myself say it. Again. It's been such a long year of fighting to feel better. I don't know what's worse, to feel hopeful when I do have good weeks or just to feel awful all the time? Hope. It's an ugly word today.

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Dear T,

I finally told you the things I wanted to say for a long time. The words didn't come out as smoothly as I wanted too, but I got my message across. And as a bonus, you said something that made me even feel better about it. You validated my thoughts on how you must have felt about the subject. I'm so happy you did! It means the world to me.

I would appreciate a reply to my email, if it's not too much trouble.

I have never felt less connected to you.

I have never felt like you don't care, as much as i do now.

I have never felt more angry with you.

But I know thats because you've been baiting me.

What kind of sick f*** baits like you do? Why do you want to illicit negative reactions? Did H sanction you baiting me with your penis in my therapy sessions? Did you laugh about it with your peer group? Or did you fail to mention it because you know you were so desperately in the wrong?

You're a sick F*** in a F***ed up profession.

So Im just going to walk away. I will NOT give you that satisfaction of thinking you can treat me like that and it being a 'successful' tactic. Im washing my hands of you, your horrified face, your crazy stunts, and false promises.

Dear T
Hmmmmm.....
I feel like I made real progress this week. Without you.
I want to tell you all about it, and I don't. I'm not sure how you'll be. Is this the transference, or are you really actually just slightly disapproving of me and how selfish I am now being in wanting it to matter?

Dear Ex-T,

I miss you. Still. My mind tries to figure out what happened back then and why everything ended up the way it did. Still. Yeah. I'm not kidding. And I know I ended up being "creepy" despite my best intentions of being the "good client"....sigh.

Dear New T,

I'm so glad that I got out of that dysfunctional relationship with "holding T". I know that it wasn't good for me to hang onto her just to feel free of any attachment. I let her treat me poorly just so that I wouldn't have to have a nice T who I could get attached to....not good. I fired her which was a big move on my part. Progress not perfection.

I got mad at you a week ago because you told me my boundaries were not going to work. I was so mad, T. I was ready to leave. I'm glad I didn't because this week I think you understood and you backtracked and helped me to feel some measure of safety again. You said it was okay that I am not ready to make the decision and you supported me. Which is what I needed. Thanks.

Part of me hopes when I walk into your office, you'll have a blanket fort set up with pillows and coloring books and books. That you'll read stories to me the rest of the day while letting me lay my head on your lap. For one hour just once, I wish that could happen. Deeply wish that could happen.

What if "the best mum i can be" just doesn't cut it? Any suggestions.....

Gawd, me too. I'm sorry I replied to this but it's exactly how I feel.

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Okay, so it's just fine not to respond to that...is it fine to not turn up to the next session? Not to breathe? What's okay and what's not? What are you saying?