obsessed with T's life and family

I cannot seem to stop thinking about my T's wife and adult children. T and i went to the same church. I have met them through the church but probably won't anymore since I switched churches. I've read a lot about transference here which has been extremely helpful but I suspect still that there is something wrong with me because the obsession does not seem to be letting up over time. He is very happy in his life he says and I am jealous that he gets all the love (and a naturally thin attractive body) and has perfect kids and so on. I think to myself "how could he ever know what it is like to be unloveable?" So I am also jealous of him. I am jealous of his family that gets to be with him so much. I particularly obsess about his adult daughter. Why does she get his love? He loves her a lot I can tell. I never had that. He told me the truth which is it is too late now ... I will never have a father's love. The daughter is very perfect in every way. Even if i were younger and his daughter I could never measure up.
Every time i walk into T's office he reminds me, by his very presence, of everything i do not have and never will probably. Although I love him half to death i also hate him too. I had a dream last night in which I kidnapped his adult daughter, kept her prisoner, just so that I could look and look at her and ask her questions about her father. She means so much to him. Partly i want o keep a part of him near me (in the form of his daughter) and partly I want to hurt him but why??? I tell him everything but I can't tell him about this dream because I am afraid he'd freak and refuse to see me anymore. But maybe that is what he should do anyway. All this is sick I know. Any advice?

For amuseable,

The power of either having a family vs. not having one is a clincher- for me, not having a husband, all someone has to do is say, yeah, I'm married- it feels like they've just shot me straight through my heart of hearts...Your T is probably a father figure to you, and you wish for more of his fatherly love- that's nothing to be ashamed of!! If you need to express this to your T, after all your T can be trusted with anything that's what T's are for...you might leave out certain details like the dream....I find movies help my overactive imagination for the time being until I get a family of my own.....any alternative outlets? Write us again we care, love, junerain

Amuseable,

I can really identify with what you wrote. I know the feeling of wishing your therapist (in my case it was a psychiatrist) was your dad. If I could give one piece of advice it would be to tell you to tell your therapist of your feelings. The feelings are not weird, or sick, or odd. They're normal. If you could confide in your therapist, he would be able to help you as you grieve this loss of a relationship with your dad. I'm sorry you are hurting. Reach out to your therapist, let him help you.

Awww, isn't transference just the worst/best? I can relate to what you are feeling. A couple of weeks ago I told my T that I can't stand looking at him wearing his wedding ring. It is very painful to have these intense feelings. I just spent nearly a whole session talking about it!

I know that it may seem as though his daughter is perfect. It is natural for you to feel this way, and it would be pointless for me to tell you, "no one is perfect; no one has the perfect life...." because you feel that way. And it hurts like hell, I know.

There is nothing wrong with you. Transference does not always disspiate with time. It takes a lot of work. I have been with my T for 2 years, and the transference gets more intense every single week. I have not addressed a lot of the transference issues I have towards him; I am not ready yet. We are just starting. What you are feeling is okay. Normal. Feels like hell, but there is nothing wrong with you.

Thanks all you guys for helping me out with your feedback. I really really appreciate it! I have talked to my T about my feelings for him before but I guess I need to talk to him some more about the subject. I worry that I'll just annoy him though. Last week I jokingly told him please take me home with you... I'll stay in your garage...I'll mow your lawn for you...I'll laugh at your lame jokes... it would just be like having a pet. (Except I wasn't really kidding.) I have this overwhelming desire just to follow him around, just to be in his presence. I am 48 and he is 54 but doesn't he KNOW I am HIS other kind of offspring? Like, gee, isn't it OBVIOUS? I feel bonded for LIFE. LOL

i find it really hard to talk about my feelings for my t. i say the odd thing in session... but most of my disclosures are in the form of emailed poems / ravings where it is more implied than stated directly. i pass them on only because i've learned that he won't respond lol. he will kind of acknowledge them in session but he doesn't make me go through them or explain them or be more explicit about the content or anything like that.

he had a daughter a couple months ago. that was hard. i emailed him about how sometimes i just longed to curl up safely in his arms and go to sleep. that was hard.

i feel a lot of grief for having missed out on so much. i know he loves her a lot. makes me feel... lonely. alone. unloved. unloveable. rejected. ugh.

erotic feelings are hard too. i alluded to them once. in a very removed way. dated the poems all the way back before i met him. i guess that if they came up before... they are likely to come up again. i guess he knows. kinda semi sorta. i'd rather die than talk about them though. i don't know. shame. i don't know.

i think that talking about it is meant to be a crucial part of processing the feelings. talking about the feelings and acknowledging the feelings. then considering where those feelings originate from /where it is that they really belong. thats meant to help resolve it. i'm always trying to jump to that last phase of where the feelings come from and where they belong in an attempt to make them go away. trying to circumvent having to talk about / think about / acknowledge the feelings. trying to avoid feeling the feelings. i don't like that part :-(

Your thoughts about your T's private life are fantasy. Imagine that your own father was a therapist. His clients might see you in the same way as you see your T's daughter. Now would you say you had it so good? The truth is, they are just as human as anyone else. And your T probably doesn't have the perfect life that you imagine. People don't share what goes on in private. His daughter may not feel as loved as you think she does.

I once told my T that I wanted to be one of her kids. I felt they were so lucky to have her as a mother. Well, she kind of chucked and told me that just that morning one of her kids said he wished that he lived somewhere else! She said they don't always think she's the greatest mom, and I'd probably change my mind if i came to live with her. I had to laugh. It's so true.

I think talking about it to your T is important. Let him show you he, his life, his daughter, are not and will never be perfect. I used to think my T was - but she has shared stories over time that show she is just like me, human.
The role he plays as a therapist, I'm sure is completely different then he is as a father. I'm sure he yells, makes mistakes, says things he regrets, and has a family life like the rest of us. But all we see our therapist as is the role in which they play for that hour time, and they are so much more.