[Waterbear]

One of the things that I am struggling with in therapy is when they ask about how things make me feel. I just go blank. I can't think at all. I don't feel anything at that moment and I can't remember ever feeling anything. I don't feel much in life as it is anyway and I am unsure how much of that is not feeling it or me pushing the feelings away but I know that there is a lot of levelness (if that's even a word) and sometimes I feel bad. I have sent my T an email tonight saying that I really want to work on learning how to feel and what feelings and emotions are. Are they even the same thing? I know what the words are but I don't relate to them. Fear is the main emotion I have other than that levelness.

I have been looking online for ideas of how as an adult I might start to learn about these things but am drawing a blank really. I have found a workbook for kids but aimed at a slightly older age range which I think I will take next week and see if we can work through together. Maybe just having something there to prompt me will help and teach me that it is safe etc so that it might start to fall in place. I have seen a deck of cards in the US but they are really expensive including international shipping.

Does anyone else have this problem and have you or your T come up with any ideas which have helped.

Thank you

[BrazenApogee]

This is one of my problems too and I have made some progress in figuring some things out. My first T, who was horrible, but did clue me in to a few things helped alot in this area.

One of the books I read while I was working with him was "Non-Violent Communication" by Rosenburg. This book helped explain how emotions worked a bit and how to communicate them to others and recognize them in yourself.

I made my own flash cards from the emotion wheel he gave me. If I can find a link to one online I will post it here. It helped me understand how emotions are broken down and how they function as motivational energy for the body.

A person with a trauma history like myself, this get a little complicated. The body seems to store emotions that can't be expressed. My therapist is helping me with those, because sometimes I have outrageous reactions that make no logical sense, and it's just old stuff coming up to be dealt with.

[stopdog]

The one I see used to tell me that what I said in response to her rather cliched "what are you feeling" sorts of questions, were not feelings. I could never get her to tell me what were feelings beyond Anger, Contempt, Fear, Disgust, Happiness, Sadness and Surprise - since none of those fit, I would end up quite frustrated with her and my attempts at explaining.
I resolved it by no longer playing that particular therapy game with her any more.

[Waterbear]

Thanks Brazen and Stopdog. I think I might make my own flashcards too and try to do something with those. Hoping T will be able to help too.

Did you know there are over 3000 words in the English language for feelings/emotions (whatever). Is that really necessary? No wonder I am confused! I can understand at giving up especially when being met by a brick wall. I know that I need to do this though in order to get any further so I must try for now.

[catnip123]

My new T is working on this with me. She uses a lot of hand outs about emotions from a DBT workbook. I have a lot of trouble figuring out how I feel - I know that I feel bad sometimes but I can't describe it any more than that

This book really helped me The Book of Human Emotions: An Encyclopaedia of Feeling from Anger to Wanderlust (Wellcome) eBook: Tiffany Watt Smith: Amazon.co.uk: Books

[skeksi]

I struggle with this, too. A lot of times I describe my physical sensations and T puts a name to them. Sometimes he says what feeling he thinks he hears in my voice or sees in my posture to help me give a name to it. I've gotten a lot better at identifying my emotions.

[Out There]

I struggled with this early in my therapy , I wasn't really able to feel - I was numb. I have trauma but as therapy progressed I was able to feel more.

[Waterbear]

Thanks for sharing everyone. Makes me 'feel' a bit better knowing I am nor alone with my struggling and that it is possible to learn about them and tune in to myself. I will download that book and have a look at a few DBT workbooks, thank you.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I struggle with emotions as well. I understand them, but I have suppressed so many of them over the years that I have a hard time digging them back up. Both of my therapists are trying to help me rediscover them so I can learn how to be an emotionally healthy person. Whatever that is, hah.

[Waterbear]

I think I am the same Bipolar, and like you wouldn't know what 'emotionally healthy' looked like if it came and bit me on the bum. I know what the words mean and I know when it would be appropriate to feel them but I just don't seem to actually feel anything. I don't even think I know what that would feel like and therefore I end up going round and round in a big circle!! It is good that your TS recognise it as important though and are trying yo help.

As an aside, I managed to tell my T over email about the fact that when she says 'your needs' it makes me uncomfortable. It was the same email asking for us to work on feelings and emotions in the session. I also said that there were other words that make me uncomfortable and that i will try and tell her when they come up. She said that the words are rooted in our past and our belief systems (whatever they are!) And that they bring up uncomfortable feelings (I think she is trying to teach me already).

She asked if I could write down a list of all the words that make me uncomfortable and bring it along next week. I am not sure about this because I think it might be too much too soon, but I also know it would be beneficial to do. It scares me to think of these words let alone write them, look at them, say them and talk about them. I think she might either lose me or make my break down, and I don't want either to happen . I will write the list I think and see how I feel but if it still is too much on Monday I will email her again I think.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Therapists have this saying, "You have to break down to break through," and that's probably true, but I think you have to be ready first. It also shouldn't be forced. I broke down a couple of months ago, and it was awful and everything was pain and despair, but I had a massive breakthrough as a result of it.

My breakdown happened because I was exposed to something that terrified me; my therapist at university said "I love you" and I just didn't know how to respond to it. I tried to get away from it, because it felt like everything was falling apart around me and inside of me and I couldn't make sense of it. Fortunately, my therapist wouldn't let me, and instead we worked through it. I learned a lot about myself. But like I said, I think it is a thing you have to be ready for, and when/if it happens, it happens. If you need to take it slow, tell her that. She'll understand.

Good luck!

[healingme4me]

Is there any reason to not keep to the basic emotions?

One step further is taking a look at a relationship needs list. Unmet needs can certainly lead to an emotional response.
For instance if I feel unheard or an attempt isn't made to understand me in my personal or even professional relationships, I feel a wide range of frustrated/angry emotions. How I handle that is to at least acknowledge that when this happens, I feel those emotions and address those from there.
Maybe that's a list to consider? Relationship Needs.

[Bipolar Warrior]

The most disturbing thing is that I have discovered my inability to cope with feelings of love. I just don't understand what to do with them, where to put them, how to manage them. Something terrifying happens inside of me when I think about it. It hurts me.

Yeah, wouldn't know "emotionally healthy" even if it bit me in the arse.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Also, my uni therapist keeps talking about feeling content, and I'm just like… wats dat. Lol.

[unaluna]

Oh yeah - "needs" can definitely be more scary than "feelings". Needs imply someone else kinda has to do something for you; feelings could come from just watching television.

Its not four-letter words that are bad - its double-e words! Its a long journey; be brave.

!

[Bipolar Warrior]

I find the most difficult thing is to say what I want. "What do you want, Ingelinn?"

Um… Ingelinn doesn't know? She'll ask around and get back to you, maybe?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Oh yeah - "needs" can definitely be more scary than "feelings". Needs imply someone else kinda has to do something for you; feelings could come from just watching television.

Its not four-letter words that are bad - its double-e words! Its a long journey; be brave.

!

I disagree about implying that anyone is expected to do anything as far as needs are concerned, not from the lists I've ever seen.

Connection, for example, is a core human need. For instance you post on this forum and perhaps sense feeling connected to others in an online type of sense? Is that truly expecting others to do something for you?

Connection in an intimate relationship might not force another to meet that need, but if that were to go missing, a sense of disconnect could occur leading to feeling lonely and resulting in rekindling, couple's counseling or reevaluating if it's to proceed further.

[JustShakey]

I remember back when I first started T and I didn't feel anything other than fear and the occasional sharp burst of anger that would fade almost as soon as it surfaced...
I still wish there was an instruction manual or something, but it's not something you can learn from a book (believe me, I tried...). It took time and patience and willingness to take risks and trust T through the ups and downs.
Not that I'm there yet, I still struggle and go blank a lot when T asks me about feelings. It gets frustrating, and you have to somehow sit with the frustration - something I absolutely hate to do, but that is absolutely necessary.
The thing is the fear though, you can't let the fear of what might happen to you (what if T abandons me? what if T really does want to hurt me?) - you just can't give in to that stuff, that's what'll kill your process. I've been through it, I know it's hard, but the only way to grow emotionally is to take risks and trust. Fear is the mind-killer.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've found I didn't learn as much as discovered them within me. And that come from many years of talking with T

[Waterbear]

Thanks everyone, lots of useful insight and info here but a bit much for me to absorb at the moment. Time, trust, risk and acceptance. Yes, I think I can see that. Love is a whole other ball game for me. Breakdowns, I want to I think but not yet, only been two weeks with her. Need more time. Relationship, needs and intimacy are all on my uncomfortable list, to see or think about them all in one place is very off putting but maybe useful. Finding myself and what I want. Good question, well asked! Lots to think about over the coming months, lol.

[BrazenApogee]

Ok, So, I found a copy of the Feelings Wheel:
http://www.ytporegon.org/sites/defau...eel%202011.pdf

This is what I made my own flash cards from. I just got some blank white index cards and wrote them out. As you can see by the wheel a lot of emotions are just degrees of other emotions. At the center is the basic emotions and as it fans out they are connected by association. You can also see that on the opposite side of an emotion is it's opposite. Basically, how my T taught me was that nearly all emotions we have are a result of our human needs being met or not met. The wheel shows that by the division of opposing emotions. When our needs are met we have good emotions, when they are not met we have “negative” emotions. If we can figure out what the needs are and get them met we feel better. The super tricky part is trying to figure out what the need is.

Here is a link to the needs wheel:
http://www.ytporegon.org/sites/defau...eel%202011.pdf

Same structure. I made Flash cards of these too.

Sometimes we can't get a need met by ourselves, so we have to ask for help from another. This is where communication comes in. Letting others know how we feel, what our need is, and asking specifically for the thing you think would fill that need. This is also tricky, and hard sometimes. Remembering that other people are Not required to fill our needs, but asking if they are Willing to. “Are you willing to....” Doing this after describing how you feel and what your need is helps. Then the other person has that information to understand why you are making the request. Everyone has human needs. Requesting for help is ok, Demanding is taking away the other persons need of respect and choice.

People with a history of trauma, like myself, this get even trickier. At some point we had a need that was very much not met and we tried to meet it in unhealthy ways. These was were important at the time because they helped us get through and survive, but we keep doing them until we learn a better way. Our emotions also get trapped in our bodies. When my T pokes at some topic sometimes I have outrageous reactions that make no sense for the moment. I don't have a need at the moment but my body remembers things and I shake, get hot, get angry, want to cry, or run away, etc. Allowing myself to experience these things in the safety of my T's company lets them get out of me. Like releasing a wind up toy that spins across the floor until it runs out of steam. To keep my self safe I was holding it in, once I release it I feel better and free. It's not always fun though. Often quite a painful process. That's where courage comes in. And a good T.

[Waterbear]

Thanks so much for that!