Hard session yesterday. Told T I felt like walking out the room but then said I wouldn't know what to do after that.

T asked me what walking out the room was about? I said I wanted to punch her like I felt punched. I want her to hurt like I hurt.

T said that back to me in her words. Then I told her it maybe interesting for her to do this, but these are my feelings.

She nodded in agreement. Then I forced myself to keep talking, although I wanted to be as far away from her as possible, and told her that I felt she was a long way away from me.

T replied "Thats where you've put me?" I couldnt believe it when she said that. I started to really sob and remembered somewhere deep inside me doing that with my adoptive mother.

It was so hard to accept this. Its always been what others have done to me, and I've never seen me, what I do. I've always focused outside of me.

T continued to speaks, low and give me short explainatioins for statements I was making and I was getting more frustrated that I couldn't turn this into a "scene". That I couldnt get T into my drama.

I've been thinking since and wondering, if all I know about T is the very little part of her that I meet in that room twice a week, then the intense feelings I feel about her, if some of them aren't really feelings I have toward my own self gut give away???

I mean I love the way I am cherised in that room, but her the person, I know little about.

Maybe I need to take some of that love I feel toward T and feel it toward myself, cherish myself? I know when I do that for short moments I don't feel lonely, and lonely is what I feel when I think of the upcoming long summer break.

Maybe I need to right size T a bit more and give me some of the love I give her?

Part of me is afraid to know that some of what I feel toward her isn't about her at all. WHy? I guess its like a child that needs to believe their care giver is god, until they develop enought of their own ego strenght?

I think inside I'm begining to think I know this, and not yet strong enought to take back some of the power I've given to T because I feel I'd be all alone, but I guess thats part of the gradual process?

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((MOUSE))) Perhaps the person you LOVE is yourself, and you feel awkward in admitting that you do love yourself and you are transfering the love and happiness to the therapist because it is too strong not to share with someone safe such as your therapist at this time. I frankly think you are a Wonderful person and you have really brightened my day to see you posting such wisdom for others at Psych Central. It is no wonder you Love yourself since your sincerity for others is truly amazing Mouse. I hope the best for you in your future in sharing your happiness and contentment in becoming a person that loves themselves. Take care and good day. Soidhononia

[Perna]

Oh, I hate when that happens. I remember when my T mentioned that I probably wasn't such an easy child to raise (implying that it wasn't all my stepmother's mistakes/problems :-)

I think it's both, not just one or the other. It's a nice mix like "gene" traits or something. I was a shy toddler, my father actually called me "little mouse" and that shyness didn't go away or make me easy to know/help I'm sure. Adding my stepmother's abuse didn't help me but there was "Me" in there to begin with my inborn baggage and predispositions and problems. Just like I wasn't the cause of her problems (she once said, when I was an adult, that I had nearly caused her and my father to get divorced; my T quickly pointed out that their marriage problems had nothing to do with me!) she wasn't the cause of all of mine. I did a lot of things to myself I think with bad choices.

Once T said that it was me putting her at a distance, and me flashing back to putting my adoptive mother at a distance, I was over taken by guilt that I was unable to love, like my adoptive mother had always told me.

T said "no, though you put your adoptive mother at a distance, it was her job to get you back, something she didn't do"

I've been wondering what the tears were for on Friday, and I think some of them were for the loss of love I had for my adoptive mother, as T said, I did start of loving her.

I'd not realised just how complex and creative our minds are, whilst I've spent my life thinking people are either disliking me or loving me, I see now that its partly my thinking that says they hate me or love me, and the locus of control is more inside of me then outside.

So many yrs I've clung to people, now its like they hold no power over me. I'm looking within myself for what I need more now!

Isn't it amazing how much emotion we put forth in regards to our Ts... but what about us?

If I took even a fraction of the need and the strong feelings that I have for T and maybe internalized that for myself a bit, I'd probably be in a better situation.

Like you Mouse, I feel like I'm in that child-mode-- T, I need you, take care of me. Like a baby, I feel like he is fulfilling my needs-- I'm not doing anything myself. But in actually, our Ts are only fulfilling our needs once or twice per week. How do we make it through the rest of the time? Surely we must be internalizing even the smallest amount and using it for ourselves. Not like a baby-- a baby can't make it through the rest of the week without a mother's care. We can. It feels like hell sometimes, so we might not be making it through in the most ideal way, and we still might neglect and mistreat ourselves way more than we should be-- but something is still pulling us through.

mouse,

It has been a shock to me to realize I had a part in things. That I pushed my mother away to punish her. Pushing her away was taking care of me then.

I always thought I just hated her. I always thought she pushed me away. She couldn't love me because she couldn't allow me to be me.

Also a shock to realize that I really did want her to love me.

That I wanted her to do something about my pushing her away, fix it, rescue me... from myself.

Love me anyway.

We lived our whole lives in this stalemate and it is too late. I'm just now realizing it.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mouse_ said:
T said "no, though you put your adoptive mother at a distance, it was her job to get you back, something she didn't do"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
mouse, I really identify with this statement. I am the mom of two wonderful girls, and the youngest has pushed me away so much. I have tried for years to "get her back" but have been unsuccessful. It makes me very sad. It is deadening to try so hard and be rebuffed time and time again. But still I keep plugging away, even though it is painful. ECHOES said she pushed her mom away to punish her. Is my daughter punishing me? Why? What can I do differently to reach her? I really, really have tried, but failed. My other daughter and I have a wonderful relationship so I know I can at least connect to one of my offspring. But I want to have a good relationship with both of them, yet I have not found the key to unlock the secret to connecting with my youngest. I wish my daughter could just tell me what is the matter and why she hates me. At least I would know and have a fighting chance to improve things. Recently, I did get her to go see a therapist and my hopes are that she will find someone in her therapist she can connect with, relate to, and even love a little. If it won't be me, I love her enough to want her to succeed with someone.

Sunrise, I have twin daughters. One from birth I astowed all good feelings toward, and the other took all my negative feelings.

Now through my own journey in therapy, I see that neither of them is either/all, both are different and though one "honours" me then the other, proberbly causing her some inner torment trying to hide her true-self to be whom she feels I accept more. The other has decided to remain true to herself and thankfully I am learning to love her for that.

I would worry about thinking one wonderful and the other not, that is what we are attaching to them, I expect there are times your daughter whom you get along better with irritates you?

But we seem to accept that more then with the other. As I grow and change and accept people for who they are, even if that is much different to my fantasys, I find I get along with them both equally now. I've stopped taking their "moods" as if its about me and allow them to have their independent ways and allow them to not want to always be close to me.

I find things are working out so well now, and I enjoy the differences in my relationship with the 2 of them.

[sunrise]

Thanks for your comments, mouse. I am glad you have reached some insights about your kids through your therapy. Although this hasn't been the main focus of my therapy, I have gleaned some useful insights there on this topic too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mouse_ said:
I would worry about thinking one wonderful and the other not, that is what we are attaching to them, I expect there are times your daughter whom you get along better with irritates you?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
As I wrote above, both my daughters are wonderful girls. But I have a wonderful relationship with only one. I don't delude myself into thinking I have one with both--simply not true. I don't let this stop me from trying to have a good relationship with my youngest, though. I don't try to replicate the relationship with my oldest daughter with her, but try to have our own unique relationship. I would love to have wonderful, unique relationships with both of my wonderful girls! Like yours, my girls are so different from each other. Neither is perfect, but yet I love them each profoundly and treasure their differences. I agree with what you wrote--it is so important to accept them for who they are. I worry so much about my youngest daughter because she does not have much of a relationship with me or her father and does not have any friends. I don't want her to be a social butterfly or anything (something that would not be true to who she is), but I would like her to have support in her life. She is so often angry, but we don't know why. I will not give up trying to reach her. As your therapist said, it is my "job" as the mother to "get her back." I accept that and will not avoid this important responsibility. mouse, thank you for sharing that statement from your therapy as it has reminded me that I must not give up.

[sidony]

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sunrise said:Recently, I did get her to go see a therapist and my hopes are that she will find someone in her therapist she can connect with, relate to, and even love a little. If it won't be me, I love her enough to want her to succeed with someone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Side note:
Haven't read all of this thread yet, but just wanted to say to Sunrise -- that statement tells me you're a wonderful mother. I hope things improve for you.

Sid

Sunrise, sorry if my reply to you sounded "off" I get so "into" thinking and discussions that I post as if I'm sitting with the person really looking at the subject.

I dont' know you and was just replying to the written words and what comes up for me as I read and think.

I;m sure things will work out eventually for you and your daughter, though there is never a perfect solution olny a good enought one LOL!

Best wishes