Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Oh my god
How do I ever look you in the face again, now you know that.
I can't even think about next session. I am full to the brim with shame and I don't know how to be or what to do.

Well that's the last distracting thing done. Nothing left to do but think about next session till I see you.

8 days.
3 hours.
40 minutes.

I miss you.

I want to send you flowers.
I want to sit with you.
I want to see you.
I want to see your eyes.
I want to hear your voice.
I feel like a baby left in the crib screaming.
No one will come.
No one will get me.
I'm alone and scared.
I need you.
This sucks.

This texting thing is going to give you too much information about me. I am not comfortable with this.

T,

Thanks for responding. I am so ashamed.

Me

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MC,
I hope you call tonight or tomorrow morning to schedule. If Monday wasn't a holiday, I'd just assume we were seeing you then, but you weren't sure if you were coming in. But really, I just hope everything's OK, and I figure if you have a minute to call or text to schedule, then maybe that's a good sign? Just know I'm thinking about you, OK? Maybe it's something really minor. But you were looking kinda rough last week and had to check the number when you got a call during session, so maybe things weren't going too well then either. And please know that as much as I might want to know what's going on, I won't pry. I probably already crossed some little line by sending the text (oh, who am I kidding--I've crossed plenty of lines in the past, so this is probably nothing in comparison), but you did cancel a couple hours before our session with the reason of "family emergency... I'm sure you're not surprised at all by it. Hopefully it made you feel at least a little good to know I care...
--LT

t,

i was just thinking about when you took me on those trails in the woods and showed me plants and told me their names. that was years ago. i like that memory. i hope you dont give up on me

me

Dear T,

You're awesome. I'm awesome.

T,

You've so many clients. I'm not special, no matter how nurtured I feel for one hour every two weeks. I know this intellectually but emotionally, I'm still like the child who didn't matter. You're just doing your job and you treat everyone equally and fairly because you're a good, boundaried clinician.

This meager ration of care, compassion, kindness...is just part of your job. Why can't I shut my young self up? Why am I so needy though I'd never say so aloud?

If you think she's like your mother... better think again. There is no comparison.

This time tomorrow I will be sat with you talking about what we discussed last week. F-ing scared.

I really thought you were going to sack me

Thank you for being lovely.

Ugh. I live in a town full of judgemental gossipy douches. I wish I could leave.

You are back tomorrow. Part of me is dying to talk to you, and part of me is wanting to avoid it because I don't really know what to say.

I don't know what I want to talk about today...My emotions are jumbled up again...

Thank you

Dear old Pdoc,

I was in the city today. I walked by your office, well, the building in which that office is, on the fourth. You only work at that place on Tuesdays. It's been seven weeks. I miss that I won't see you anymore.

Dear T-on-leave,

Yesterday I had my first exams. Today another two exams. But you probably won't think about that. I probably don't even cross your mind now you're on leave. You're on mine everday.

MC,
Hope you're OK. I won't bother you though. At least not for another day or so.

T,
I probably will bother you, though! (Besides at my appointment tomorrow, that is.)

Dear T,

Lots of what you said today was so healing and reassuring. I know you say stuff like that all the time, but I was really able to hear it today. I wonder if it was because I'm so tired from working so much the last couple of days? I hope not, I don't want to make that a habit, LOL.

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haha, i like this post

I don't know where i got the idea that you lead a rock'n'roll lifestyle from. hehe.

Thank you for calling me today! It was a surprise since I thought you were back tomorrow. It was nice to be able to get the chit chat and pleasantries out of the way so tomorrow I can try to be more real.

Dear T,

I will try to wait and not email you so quickly. Instead I'll write here but I can't be too specific.

Thank you for accepting my sketches and not being grossed out. I've worked on these same issues with my other Ts and with you, but you're the only one I can say things to without censoring. That means a lot to me.

Thank you for reassuring me, sort of, about email. You're right, you were just curious, but today you admitted you would rather I didn't do it, yet you will let me because I said I needed it.

I know what the goal of therapy is but I'm still very attached to you. I don't want to think about ending. I never want to quit. You know that!

I wish you hadn't forgotten when ------died but at least you knew it was on a holiday.

I was too tired to be fully present. I know you smiled but I didn't smile back.

Also, thanks for apologizing again for making it seem like you were criticizing me 2 weeks ago and saying you would never criticize me.

I'm glad I could say those words easier today, and that I could say I love you.

Rainbow