Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

How much watching your online video is too much?

T,

You're at a food truck across the street. I'm sitting on ur porch. We are gonna play games. I feel happy

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

T,

That was sweet when you said you'd visit me in the hospital if I had no one else. I wasn't fishing for that when I told you my fear, but you said it very sincerely.

Stop being so nice, it is making it difficult to not be attached.

T,

I haven't been on this forum in about a year. But tonight, I need to email you, and because I know I can't do that (that's a slippery slope and I just sent you a message yesterday, and we just talked the day before that), I'm writing here. To get it out.

Right now is hard. I know it is temporary. I know I have made so much progress. I am grateful for so much. I know this is normal. This is a huge transition. I know part of this is me falling into my predictable pattern of neediness.

I have so much I want to tell you, but I've told it to you all before. And I'm tired. My brain seems to be on fire and numb at the same time. I am nowhere near the debilitating place I once was, but I do feel like I need support through this.

Change is hard. I've been faking it a lot. I know we talked about me asking for some support from my new friends. And I told you they don't know my past and my struggles. And that I'm scared that if I open up a little, I won't be able to stop. This has happened in the past. I don't want to ruin these relationships.

So I'm asking for support from you.

Part of me wants to not make this move. I don't want to stay here, except...this has actually been one of the most positive years ever, I feel like I finally know what I'm doing, like my coworkers respect me. I'm terrified to change it all up again.

Last night I cried for a while. It felt good and bad. Today I forced myself to go for a jog. It helped, but not really. I reprimanded myself for not doing enough. But the energy wasn't there. I was supposed to go out with friends. But I told them I was too tired. I am tired, but I also know that is a bad sign if I start skipping social opportunities. Which is funny I know, because not too long ago it was hard to imagine being social at all.

I haven't started packing at all. I don't have a lot to pack. But I feel overwhelmed. And the traveling next week is stressing me out. I am stressed. Stress is normal. I know that. But it doesn't make it easier.

This is why I couldn't email you (again). Because I keep writing and writing and it is incoherent and long and truly unimportant. So instead I put it here. Because I needed to write it. To get it out of my brain.

I hope you'll email me back soon - on the email I did actually send. Which said pretty much the same thing but was maybe slightly more comprehensible and shorter.

I do know I can do this. Truly. But I also know I am going to need some help.

Nope.
Can't do it anymore
Don't want to.
Losing it.
Losing me.
Not a bad thing.
I need to be lost.

T,

I know that it was meant for me because you sent it with my name but were those words from you to me or were they just words? You said you thought I might like it and I do but what was the meaning behind it? Were you offering that to me, a metaphor for the relationship you can offer or am I still on a hopeful road to nowhere. I can't get my head around it if I am honest.

Thank you for responding to my email. I feel very grateful; scared, but grateful.

Oh my goodness, why does everything always come down to sex with you?! Fwiw, our newfound honesty does not mean my genitals can become subject matter for discussion. That one is still well out of bounds as far as you're concerned and I certainly wasn't offering them up

Nothing I do is for just one reason- this was no different. It was: an acknowledgment that I was, in our recent communication , a bit of a jerk. It was opening up the subject for you to call me on it, it was an apology, and it was meant to make you laugh, and to re-establish some humour in our relationship.

Just to re-iterate--- it was not in any way a reference, metaphor, or in any other way meant as a door for you to involve my bits in our discussion. It ain't happening!

Well done, one text. Took you three days.
If you're so busy, maybe you're too busy to see me?
I'm busy too, you know. Like, really busy.

*stamps feet, tries not to cry*

T,
One more week until you see the real me.

I'm sorry that June is going to be so broken, with me away for a week then you away for a week. We are hitting on such important things and new depths, I hope this doesn't set us back.

Dear T,

I'm doing okay with not emailing you so far. I will miss hearing from you today, but I hope you don't break the rule of not emailing unless I do. Since I see you Wednesday instead of Tuesday, it's longer to wait but I think I can do it!

It hurts a little when I think not emailing means we don't have the kind of relationship I wanted. No, it hurts a LOT!! I have to use radical acceptance. If you were my friend, you couldn't be my T. I thought you always liked when I sent you photos. Now you say to show them to you in the session! You really don't want me to email because you think it's best for me. I know that. I am trying for that reason. If I didn't trust you, what would be the point of seeing you? Not emailing isn't as hard as dealing with what it means, that I'm your job first and foremost. That's not a negative, but it still hurts me. What makes it tolerable is that I believe you when you say you love me. Thank you, T.

Love,
Rainbow

Dear T,

What I told you gave you goosebumps and not in a good way. Do you understand now?

Me

T, I am sorry, I don't want to make things so awkward but I do. I wish I could just take things as they are. Hope you can reply over the weekend, it would mean a lot.

Ah this is different.

Just tell me what you want me say and do so we can get this thing over with. I have spent 6 years trying to work out what i should do. I am getting tired of everything.

You are coming back, right?

t,
thanks for your words of encouragement before work

they really did help along with all those emojis you sent

see you tomorrow

me

T,
I'm not safe and no one believes me. They keep telling me that I'm overreacting.
All I want to do is hurt myself. But that won't make me safer.

If I wasn't here none of this would be a problem. But I'll be fine (whatever that means), t, I always am

T, I am hugely angry tonight. I tried to talk to h about what my sis in law said about my brother struggling with self doubt over his newest promotion and how surprised i was to hear that because I never knew he doubted himself, because he always DOES the things he doubts himself about and succeeds, and how I need to learn how to do that. H says "Well it just means that you don't really want to do it. If you really wanted to, you wouldn't doubt yourself." that felt like such a blow to me, felt like he doesn't believe in me AT ALL, and I couldn't even respond to him, I went to bed instead of trying, and I tried to fall asleep but couldn't, I heard him begin snoring in his chair in the other room not even 5 minutes later and I just pounded my fists against the wall until pictures fell down and I cried - I hate him SO MUCH sometimes - I feel like I am at a critical place in therapy right now, like it's going to go one of two ways, I am on the verge of either just letting my Self go back to sleep, calling my old pdoc to go back on medication, and go back to being numbed-out and emotionless and feeling-less like I was before I came to you, where I don't care anymore about the things I want for my life.. OR I am going to start doing what I want to do with all the fierceness of Athena and tell my h to go f himself. I can no longer live in this land of in-between.

f him. i'm going for a drive. i hate my h. i hate my life. can i come sleep in your driveway tonight?

Look after yourself Artemis, please.

T,

I know intellectually that I'd never have such an "emotionally intimate" relationship with you if we were anything other than psychologist-patient.

But T, I still want more of the "golden bubble" that the therapy hour can be -- your empathy, warmth, challenge, kindness, compassion, firmness, care...

How I wish I saw you more than once a fortnight. How I wish I didn't have to move countries and thus terminate from you in a year's time.

I grieve because I'll never be able to see you again. And even if I could, you would never acknowledge me.

Just like how I still miss ex T more than one and a half years later, and when I saw and heard her in the waiting room 2 weeks ago, it was as though she never ever ever spent a year with me -- as though I was just a stranger.

Sorry that you're hurting. F your H. I'm so sorry he has hurt you again.

Dear T
Thanks for finding me a session this week. Why is it my old session that you made me change days? I am confused....and I'm cross with you for taking so long to reply, and for offering me two sessions and saying one was better for you but I could only do the other.now I feel like an imposition. I might not turn up.