Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

You can do it--you're stronger than you think!

T,
I want you to be happy and successful.
But I don't want you to leave me.

t i just read that new part of your profile again. i really really feel it speaking to me. Let's talk about it. Ok?

I love you, and I thank you for everything you have helped me with. I will never, ever forget you.

Dear T, I really need some reassurance from you today, please. I had another dream, different but still bad. This time you actually did tell me that you couldn't do this anymore, that I needed to find someone else. Can you tell my dreams to bug off please. I will definitely try to talk to you about them on Tuesday and hope that you can reassure me then. If not just tell me how it is, now, please.

T. I am so sorry for getting in contact with you again. It was the wrong thing for me to do for me and it was the wrong thing for me to do for you. It doesn't do anybody any good.
There is so much panic, conflict and pain here, and it wants to reach out to you, but I know that will not be a positive thing for anyone and it will be a negative thing for many, so I will not allow it.
We want very much to say goodbye to you, but that cannot be allowed either. We can only say it here, to the nothingness.
Goodbye, T.
We love you, and we know your love.
You have meant everything to us.

They don't want to say goodbye, they cannot stand the thought of not seeing / hearing / knowing you again.
I don't know how to let go, but I know it is the only thing that can be done.
I don't know how to overcome this conflict, except with an iron fist.

Delete.

I had a scary dream about you last night. It was about your health. It was awful.

You looked unsure last week about me reading the book you mentioned. It might trigger me, you said. I could see your concern and, in hindsight, I wonder if you wished you never mentioned the book. I mean, you weren't to know I was going to find a copy and start reading it so soon. And, when I did, you looked like you were weighing up the idea, whether it was a good thing or a bad thing for me ro read. In the end, you reminded me that it may be triggering but it may also be validating. Well, you were right. I found it both. It did trigger me. It is also very validating to read. So I continued reading it. But I had to put the book down tonight. It's one of the most triggering things I have read. It's content and description of sh has triggered my sh. We both know it's been a long while. I'm not sure I should tell you. I don't want you to wish you'd never mentioned the book to me or feel anything about it, in any way. I don't know how to tell you what triggered me.

Dear T,

I'll have to tell you tomorrow. Even if I don't want to. But I can't handle this on my own anymore.

Dear forum members who supported me last night on this thread,

Thank you. I was strong and I didn't take any drugs. Your support meant a lot to me.

Me

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Something is up, last week you emailed on Saturday and replied to my text on Sunday. I just wish I knew what it was. It would be OK if you have decided you don't want to 'work' on the weekend but I hope that it isn't that. Maybe you didn't get my text, maybe you replied and I just didn't get it, maybe you lost your phone, maybe you are away and have no signal, maybe something bad happened to you, though I really hope it didn't. Maybe I will have to ask what happens in that event. Maybe it is just like my dream. Too many maybes!!! I am OK, just can't stop thinking and now I have to go to work for the night shift!

I talked to you this mothers day.

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dear t: in October it will be 5 years since you became my t. what in the f?!

Thank you

Speaking to you makes me feel stronger. Thank you. ️

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Shite T, i feel like a failure. Will I tell you tomorrow that I went out and bought beer tonight? Probably....but maybe not. We'll see.

Dear T--thanks for texting back today, even though it was 2 days later. Sorry for my kinda negative text back, but we can talk about it Wednesday.

Dear MC--Kinda hate that I hate to send you an "Are you mad at me?" text, but glad I saw the response bubbles almost as soon as I sent it. Thanks for confirming you're not mad with or annoyed at me, but just out of town and busy with other stuff. I feel kinda silly for overreacting like that, but as I mentioned in the text, I do have that whole insecure attachment thing going on...At least you gave me an lol about one of the comments...

Well. You are a freaking miracle worker. I am so freaking lucky. You some how turn everything into a chance to go deeper, to learn more, to grow...

I know you know how tough things have been for me lately.

I also know that you are leaving in two days for a two week vacation.

Tomorrow isn't going to make a difference. A half hour phone call is long enough for me to tell you how I feel, but it won't fix anything or really help me figure out how to cope without you for a couple of weeks.

It just shows me how pathetic I am that I feel this way. I am so alone. I want to believe in hope and that I can heal but I'm feeling more alone and hopeless then ever.

Some days i just come to session to gaze at you

T,

You have loving parents. I don't.

Have I thanked you lately for putting up with me? I will on Saturday. I love you.

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T,

I had a dream about our last session last night. I'm dreading the last session before I see you again in the fall.

So about that email.

Do I go to session this evening, or just head to Mexico instead? I need to decide that so I know which way to turn on 35 tonight.

Talking about sex. Good times. *runs away*

Dear T,

I love your face. I miss your face.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

reminds me of a pic i found online that i texted to my T

i told him i made him a cake