Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

T,

I need you now and your not there.

I hope I can tell you on Tuesday. You have patience. Thanks

I just remembered you are in another country right now training other Ts. I only know this because i Googled the f out of you
I won't mention it to you of course. I looked up the area you are in. Looks gorgeous. Enjoy.

I feel kinda bad about "running off" and not waiting for you yesterday when you pulled into the parking lot as I was leaving my car to go to your office. It's just that I'm still too awkward turtle to interact with you outside of an office, let alone an elevator. It feels like letting you see another side to me. Ridiculous, I know. My awkwardness knows no logic.

I want to believe that I will be normal some day but today it seems like I'm damaged in some fundamental way thatakes me totally unable to ever be normal. I will always be screwed up and too emotional to ever function normally. I want to quit. I really really really really want to quit. And I don't want to bother you. But I want to quit. I hate being so screwed up and I don't even have a good reason for being screwed up
I just want to quit at everything

t,

i almost smoked some weed today. but i didnt.

me

I wamt to throw up.
Everything is too much.
Everything is too heavy.
Why did you have to choose this week?
You chose to leave me during one of the worst weeks of my life.
You knew the dates and you chose to leave.
I need you.
I can't do this.
You're gone.
Everyone is gone.
I'm alone.
Scared.
I can't go on.
You chose to leave!
Why?
I can't wait 10 more days.
I need you now.
Why did you choose now to leave?!
Why?

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

T,

Lucky you.

Great colleagues who are deeply supportive who've "got your back", close knit family, friends whom you love and who love you.

Lucky you. You're a good person, so you have much good in your life...

Me? I envy you. I'm rotten.

When I did 'search Google for this image' on your pic, the good news is it came up with Dr Carl Rogers under 'visually similar images'! the bad news is it also came up with Rupert Murdoch!
I don't think you look like either...

Today is one of those days where it seems better to die now than continue ****ing everything up all the time.

I wish I could open up to you more
I wish I'd known you earlier
I wish we had more than six sessions left
Why do I always lose the person I need as I think I'm starting to connect with them
I need help. I need someone to lean on. I've never had one. I thought you could be the one. I wish I didn't have to leave to a different country.

I want to talk to you so much I'm worrying about posting too much on here and being annoying. My stuff I know. It's only this thread that's stopping me from emailing you. Hopefully the fact that the next two days are quite busy will keep me distracted till Wednesday.

Aaarrrggghhhhhh. Close the door. Go to the beach. What if there are pigmies on the beach just waiting behind the trees for me. Didn't think of that one did we.

Why is this so hard?????why why why?????

You will never know all the pain and suffering you caused. and are still causing, me. I will never forget. It is reprehensible.

Im missing you today, and I'm scared what you're gonna say.

Sometimes my fantasy life is so strong I almost die when i realise you can never be a part of my life. Never. ever.

Hugs BunYip. Sometimes I fantasize so much about my T as a friend too, despite feeling I have nothing to offer as a friend.

T,

Maybe you do feel alone even when surrounded with people too. Is that why you posted such a cryptic photo caption?

t,

i feel so terrible for what i put you through when i was psychotic and wouldnt take my meds. now the tables have turned and my sister is psychotic and wont take her meds. now i know the fear and concern. i texted you about her, you said "im so sorry. it is so scary, i know. and helpless. " i feel so bad for what i put everyone through for so long because now i know how it feels to be on teh other side. to be the one so worried and scared about whats going to happen next... what will it escalate further to.

i dont know how to help my sister and get her the help she needs when she refuses and is paranoid and defensive. i am so scared something terrible is going to happen...

me

9 days to go.
5 sessions missed.
I can do this.
Right?
I miss you.
You still randomly text me.
It helps.
But it's not the same as our standard,
scheduled safe place and time.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.

I can't do this.

t,

i took drugs

me

Dear MC,
Just got a call from the office that you're canceling today due to a family emergency. I hope everything's OK, like that it's not a true emergency. Mostly hoping it's not something bad with your wife's illness (or your kids, of course). They said you'd call tonight or tomorrow to reschedule, so hoping that means it's not that bad? (I want to text you and be like, "I hope everything's OK!" but you certainly don't need the bother of a text from me while you're dealing with family stuff...)

On a selfish note, I miss you and hope we can still see you later this week. And thanks for e-mailing me back last night--wasn't really expecting you to respond to that one, and certainly not at 11 p.m. on a Sunday. At least that and your other e-mail will help tide me over till next session, whenever that is. Wish I was seeing T before Wed. though...

Edited to add that I guess this proves that I do actually love you (platonically!) or at least care deeply about you (or "genuinely care," to use your words), because my first thought was for your/your family's welfare instead of my own.

OK, I sent you a text. It was one short sentence, not suggesting any sort of need for a reply. Hope you're not annoyed, but, like, I'm sitting here thinking about you and your family and just wanted you to know that.

And yeah, it's probably a sign of the messed up way my brain works for thinking you might be mad that I'm saying I hope your wife and kids are OK. Like you'll be annoyed at me for caring. Well, too late for that!

From your earlier post about your sister, sounds like you're going through a really rough time right now. I think your T will understand.

thanks... i hope so. i texted him. he hasnt responded yet. maybe he wont. i see him tomorrow.