Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear T,
Thanks for texting me back so quickly with support tonight! I wasn't even expecting a response and was starting to post on here about it when I saw your response coming through. I appreciate the reassurance, both about MC (even though all you said was that you were sure he'd call soon) and about the possible medical condition I mentioned to you and how you think it's a real thing, unlike what my H said.
Love you and see you tomorrow.
--LT

6 days.
20 hours.
39 minutes.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

t,

i wish you would beat me up when i mess up. maybe then i'd learn

me

Dear T
Fine, don't reply then, I don't care

You are learning JunkDNA, and his kindness and your resilience are what is helping you. My T says "a lapse is not the same as a relapse". Remember how far you've come

*****Trigger warning****for s abuse by therapist

Im sorry. Having a flashback. I need to get this out away from me:
---
Dear PrevT,

Before intimacy- He said having sex with him would be therapeutic and help me "get out there" in the dating world.

Later, after- He told me he only had sex with me because he felt sorry for me.

Like he feels sorry for "street people." He compared me to "street people.."

He took me outside his office. We were walking along the street when he told me he felt sorry for me like street people. We were actually seeing street people when we were talking and walking.

I had walked from my house to his office. My car was broken. My phone wasn't working. After he left me, I was in a daze and confused. What had he said? I needed to talk to you.

I remember. I walked to a pay phone. I found some change (it was long distance.) I left some kind of message on your voice mail about what he said but i forgot, you could not call me back because my phone wasn't working. I walked home. I don't remember what happened next.

I hate him.

My self esteem was low. When he said he wanted to have sex with me, I felt almost an equal. I didn't feel so bad. How bad could I be if he wanted to have unprotected sex with me? Then he said what he said and my self esteem plunged into the depths. He destroyed, smashed anything that had been left of my self esteem. I hate him.

He took no responsibility. He wasn't even kind about it.

Do you remember any of this, from years and years ago? Do you remember getting a weird voice mail from me but you couldn't call me back?

When I first met you, you said you 'weren't a poetry person'. I think I might have converted you just a little bit

New T,

I meet you today! I'm bouncing in excitement! Okay that's just me.

Dear MC,
Sorry for the rather long, handwritten note about calling me to reschedule our appointment, but you can blame the receptionist for that one: She gave me a sheet from a legal pad to write on! So if all I said was, "Hey, now that you're back in the office, could you call to reschedule?" the paper would have looked very empty. It's on her for not just giving me a Post-it! (Then again, she doesn't know my reputation for verbosity...)

But, um, yeah, call or text about rescheduling, OK? Cause H and I have stuff to talk about. And I miss you.

--LT

Dear t2,
I don't feel like we are making much progress these days. We talk about stuff that is going on and work on feelings, but I don't know that I need to see a t for that. But I have no clue how to quit with you with you knowing that I am not quitting the others. I know your feelings aren't my problem, but...
I wish that we would somehow mutually agree that it is time to make a change.
Maybe I could suggest every other week?
I dunno. But I know if it was me paying for our sessions and not my insurance I would sure quit. And it doesn't seem right to just let the insurance keep paying if I don't think it is worth it.

MC,
Is it pathetic that I am smiling just from a 2-minute rescheduling phone call with you? Guess it's just relief at hearing your voice (and you seeming OK) and being back on your schedule. That sort of "urgh" noise you made while looking at your schedule, followed by saying, "That wasn't a good noise, was it?" was kinda endearing. And that you thought my note wasn't that long (probably because you've seen my e-mails!) Glad you found a spot for us early next week.

I wish you weren't out of town because right now I need you. My abuser gets out of prison in 36 hours. I don't feel safe.

I really want to ask for an extra session to make up for the one i miss when you are away. But after the song and dance you put on about giving me extra sessions makes not want to.

You ruin my life and you think that's supposed to make me happy??

You miserable low-life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What da ya say we take away everything and everyone you love. How do you think you would feel about that???

Oh yeah, let's take it away and then walk away from YOU SO YOU ARE LEFT WITH NO ONE!!!!!!

What planet are you from?? NO MORALS, NO COMMON SENSE.....DRUGS DID A NUMBER ON YOU.

t,

omg

me

I wish I could be with you right now

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

Did I hurt your feelings? Did I insult your intelligence? I was only trying to "help" you. How does that sound?? A good excuse for invading your life?

Dear T,
Had a great day yesterday. Spent the whole day taking care of myself. It felt indulgent. The day before was awful though.

I appreciate the offer for me to text you when it gets bad but I can't get past the thought of interrupting your private life. I picture you having dinner with your kid(s?) and getting some silly *** text from me whining about feeling bad.

It seems like way too much to ask. But the offer makes a difference. It's a nice thought.

I think I love you. But, not you exactly, not the [insert T's name here] who goes around the rest of his life, writes books, does interviews etc (although I respect that guy very much) I love the you who is with me that hour and cares for me. It's hard to make sense of and define but it seems true. Perhaps I love the process and the feeling of being held.

I'm glad you're a real person.
Not some 'not at fault' 'it's all your perception' T.
You're real.
You're honest.
You're transparent.
Thank you.
There needs to be more T's like you.

I hope I can be one.

T,

I'm not *obsessed*- I'm hurt, damaged, injured!

t,
I looked you up. your going to send me to the hospital and I'm going to hate you for it.

t,

i hope tonight is fun for us

me

I feel like you're never available when I really need you, which isn't very often.

People want me to get over being scared of my abuser getting out of jail tomorrow. Everyone thinks I'll be fine and I'm overreacting, and maybe they're right. But I'm scared. I feel vulnerable and unsafe. And even though I know you have reassured me over and over that I have done everything I can to assure my safety, I know you would understand why I'm so scared anyway. But you're out of town and right now I need you