Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

New T, so on Tuesday we got halfway there and I think we both did well to get that far. I want tomorrow to finish off that sentence and I want you to be OK with it and maybe accept it and maybe make it right??? That last bit doesn't sound good to me because that would be saying you were wrong and asking something of you and that is the hard bit. Then I want us to do something fun together because that would show me you really are OK with that emotion. You showing me (probably time and time again) is what I think will help me to realise that it is OK to be annoyed and express it.

Old T. You said you would be thinking of me, thank you so much. Please think of me tomorrow, this will be tough but as you said, necessary.

I didn't give you power- It was already there. (And I'm not just talking about the imbalance of power inherent to the therapeutic relationship.) Sure, I probably encouraged you to express that power, but it was already there by the bucket load.

You are powerful. Not in a lame motivational speaker kind of a way - but in a real, palpable, terrifying, and awe inspiring way. Parts of you know it - too

T,

I saw ex T before our last session. For the first time in more than a year. She was talking to the counter staff. She didn't even notice me...

Why won't you explain these feelings I have about you. They are really really big and I get lost in them, I drown in them, i lose myself in them.

I am thinking a lot about what you said last session. I have realised that when something goes from being unattainable to attainable, I have to then distinguish between desire and fantasy in a way that's not necessary when there's no chance it can happen anyway. it's got me thinking a lot more about what I want and what I need; I suppose that's the kind of cogitation you were hoping to facilitate?

T,

I hope you have an available time today

Me

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T,

I think it's best that I give up.

Me

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(((junkDNA))) =*((

Please hang in there...contact your T if you need to. It's obvious that he genuinely cares about you...

I feel trapped. I wish I never met you.

I hope you're okay.
I miss you.
Don't want to bother you.
I wish you would text me while drugged though.
It'd be funny.

i am tired of hanging in there. ive ben doing that for 29 years. i am destined to live a sh** life, and i am over it

When you texted me that you weren't available yesterday I slightly panicked inside. I explained my reason for needed an appt. and you simple responded that you couldn't fit me in till our usual time next week, "Sorry". Period. No "...hang in there..." No word of encouragement or concern, nothing. I mean I get the boundary thing but damn.

Then I was embarrassed that I tried to reach out to you but I was in an emotional place. That's not your fault.

Thing is, I took a deep breath and then I took steps to take care of myself. I found other resources. I made a plan. I made a call to a friend. So, yeah I'm okay. I guess you knew I would be.

Then lo and behold at the end of the night, you text me back that a spot opened up. Did you change your mind? Or did something actually change? I wonder.

**** it, I know not to read into it. I'm grateful you have a spot. I know what I need and I'll use the time wisely.

T, I don't know. I'm so torn. I wish I could know how you feel about this and what it means from your perspective. I am caught between the potential for healing and the unknown. What feelings might emerge? I have no idea.

Incoming .....

I got there!

Right now I could have written this word for word. Please hang in there and stay safe. You are strong. Reach out to people if you need it.

Dear T,
I'm sooooo scared I wish I could sleep on the couch in your office.

P.S. Did you know that blue shirt was my favorite?

T,

You sent me a positive text but I just felt like rolling my eyes. Sorry. .. maybe I am too far gone

Me...

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You should tell him that. I mean, that the positive words made you want to roll your eyes because you're feeling so bad right now.

thanks everyone

i wil be seeing him tomorrow...

I won't do it over the weekend.

I don't know how I'm going to last until Wednesday. I need to talk about this.

Dear t,
I hate you.
Hate you
Hate you.
You always lie to me.
You dont care

I want to quit seeing you.

I need you. This is so unfair.