Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

T,

I don't know how to reduce the attachment to you. I know it's transference and stupid **** from my upbringing and I know I only see "the best" parts of you for my scheduled time, but despite that, I can't logic feelings away.

I really want to detach from you, from therapists. From everyone. Why don't you deliberately hurt me? Why am I so childish?

Should I email you to tell you I managed to get some sleep after emailing you and that I felt a but better when I work up? Can I text you to tell you that instead? It is a Saturday and I don't want to bother you but then I do at the same time. Decision making in relationships is not an easy thing for me. What is right and what is wrong. Is there a right and a wrong? You have said that it is OK to send emails so maybe I should go with that but then you have never said I can't text when I have done in the past but all the ones in the past have been just to let you know I emailed. I can wait, maybe I should just try that but I want to let you know I am ok, though I don't know if you want to know or not, but does what you want matter? It does to me. I have something on this afternoon so maybe I will wait until after that and see what I am thinking then. I don't want you to worry but then I do want you to worry at the same time. Hoping you read your emails this morning and reply but doubting it and doubting a little that you actually care.

Even though I've been seeing you for years, I'm dropping you for your colleague next door. Sorry but he's much better looking. I'm sure you'll understand.

i guess so

T--i really didn't expect you to write me back so late last night. Once again, YOU ARE SO NICE. ugh. i felt good about the e-mail for about 30 seconds, and then i really hated myself because i feel like i don't deserve it. i laid in bed with my heart racing, wanting to rip all the skin off my body and felt like i'd never sleep. what is wrong with me this week? luckily, seroquel is amazing and i was able to go to sleep.

i guess i'll see if there are any repurcussions to all the contact i made this week on Monday. Thankfully I have a pretty full weekend to distract me.

W appears to be really ill. He is an incredibly talented faker, and it has been less than 12 hours...

But the vets were preparing me for the worst. They said he had thickening of the stomach wall, which apparently means IBD (in this circumstance, a big yay) or lymphoma.

I think this one could be too big for either of us. Blood test results come back Tuesday.

Where are you. Still debating whether I should contact you again. Keep telling myself to dig deep and find that peace but I am struggling.

I am feeling a lot of intense feeling bubbling under the surface. I daren't visit it without you so I'm trying to keep a lid on it. It's hard. Do you think one day I'll be able to let myself feel these feelings, without being scared they'll destroy me?

I miss you...

Why do you love me?

I'm hurting a lot, t, but you are probably asleep already. I've been in tears for almost 3 hours now. I could do with a text but grown-up-me is not letting the little-me become too needy and insensible. I'm trying. I have my SH tool in my hand too, but I am not doing it. I'm holding on. I don't want to disappoint you.

Thanks so much for today, t. I'm still feeling the warm fuzzies. Thank you for everything.

I love you. Godammit right now I do anyway. But I won't tell you that.

I appreciate that you said to contact you if anything came up after our session. And I feel very out of sorts and really want to email or call, but I don't know what I would say, so I won't. I wish I understood how to reach out like you say I can.

Oh, and thanks for asking me to text you when I find out if I got that new position thing at work! I felt so loved and cared about today.

What I really wanted to hear from you today was that you're my friend.. But somewhere inside I knew that's not true and it kills me

T,

Take care of that hurt finger of yours... I wanted to kiss it like how I'd soothe a lover... I know, inappropriate.

t,

i texted you that i hate you like 20 min ago. for bringing this up. if you could have seen me driving in my car on the way there. i felt good and i was singing. i feel like u took that from me. and im mad about that.'

me

I don't like it when you wear your T hat, or your stern mother hat. I don't like it when you say things I know are true but I don't know how to apply it to me or accept it.

OK, so I broke. Sorry. Please don't get mad with me. Like I said, I could really do with knowing you are still out there. Sorry.

you don't care. it's all about you.

Thanks for texting back and explaining why you couldn't email back yet. Thanks for telling me you have me in mind. Thanks.

I had to call into work today because of my anxiety...I feel like such a failure. Why does this have to happen barely a week into our two month break??

I think we are at a point in iife where all we can do is hope that someone realizes we need to teach children respect, honor for themselves and for those who are different.

It is obvious to me that many, many, many people were not taught by their parents or other significant figures. Respect used to come from family values but that has been sadly lost. It's embarrassing that we have to teach this in school but society cannot expect to flourish without it.

Dear t, when you go on family holidays it feels as though I am irrelevant to you, that I don't matter. I know this is not true as you have shown me that I matter but I always feel like that. Three weeks is a long holiday and already I miss you! I wish you would just text me to say you hot there and that your granddaughter is even more beautiful than you expected but I know that would be crossing boundaries. Sometimes I wish things were different and we were colleagues more than t and trainee t

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