Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

T, I wish I hadn't sent that email. Sorry. Now I have put you in an awkward position because I want you to tell me something that you can't. You can't be there for me like I want you to be and now you will feel like you have to find a nice way of telling me. Is this my imagination. Yes, of course it is because I have no way of knowing what is going on in your head. I can't read your mind. Just have a good weekend, yeah, don't worry about me, we will sort it out next week. Just ignore me.

T,

This article is making me squirmy.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/leaving...line-is-abuse/



You know, dear T. T...by western standards I would be abused.

T, our Asian culture...I know you think it is abuse in our culture too but T, my parents followed Dobson and Ezzo and they caned and caned in rage.

T, am I really abused?

T, Thabks for the text but it felt a bit like a slap jn the face. I have no idea now where I stand. Why are you so vague, why can't you be real. It does symbolise the therapeutic relationship but can it symbolise our relationship? I need directness and unambiguous conversation. Tuesday could be the turning point.

T--i feel bad that i might have to text you tomorrow, but i want to make sure you are working on monday. i know i asked in an e-mail, but you probably got to the end of the novel, and with me saying "don't respond to any of this, i just need to get it out of my head," that you forgot i asked that question in the first place. also, i am slightly worried that everything is okay, because you really are so good about e-mailing back. I know you've said to text you on the weekend if i need anything, so it is okay, and it is directly related to scheduling--but still, if you are going through something right now, i don't want to bother ;(

Also--hope no one minds i respond to these posts, they just spoke to me!

From what i've read, your abuser is out of prison, right? I'd be effing TERRIFIED, and am sorry that people around you are telling you you are over-reacting. They just don't understand.
x a million at your husband. i get why you are furious at him, but i have a feeling that he just doesn't get it. He must not struggle with self-esteem? That is the only thing i can think of, because self-doubt most defintely can be paralyzing, and just because your brother can somehow push through his self-doubt doesn't mean you are less than because you can't. Stupid H!

Please don't put your Self away and medicate and numb. You know that is taking major steps backward. Do you guys do couples counseling?
Asian culture is very different than Western for sure (and since I am from the Western culture, i do not pretend to know the intricacies of your culture)..but even if your parents/culture sees this as "normal," it does NOT mean it is. Physical abuse is physical abuse...I am so sorry

No, we don't - I wish he would - but he refuses every time I ask.

Anyway I am glad I got this out of my system last night, I feel a lot better this morning and I am NOT going to let my Self go back to sleep. You're right that's major steps backwards and I'm not gonna do it. I have worked WAY too hard to get to where I am now to just give it up!! I just realized something - him wanting me to quit therapy and always 'suggesting' that I color my hair (because he doesn't like how it's turning grey) it's all the same thing. I am out-growing him and he knows it. I really don't think our marriage is going to survive unless he will go to marriage counseling with me and he steadfastly refuses to. But you know - that's on him. Not on me. I am feeling very warrior-like today in a good way and I am not going to let him push me back down. Our son is graduated now, he's 'cooked' like my t says, and won't be living with us much longer anyway. It's time for me to start thinking about the whole '**** or get off the pot' as far as my marriage is concerned I think....

Don't care anymore t

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You have taken years of my life away from me. This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. Why would you do this to me for a laugh?? to get your jollies from HER? Why ? I never hurt you and I never hurt her!!

I'm glad I'm seeing you sooner than usual because I'm in a big mess rn

I consider myself very fortunate to be your patient however sometimes feel that we aren't your priority. As a teaching doctor and head of the department I understand you do not have a full patient load. I understand that you are pulled in different directions to attend seminars and meetings. BUT, the conflicts and rescheduling are really becoming quite tiresome. I don't believe you should be making these bookings when you already have patient commitments.

T,
I don't trust you. I don't think you can handle my MI. Your nice enough. I stayed out of the hospital for a year I don't plan to go back. Reading my record goes a long way for me. Thank-you for that. I have a lot to say next session because I have word vomit.

hey t thank you for giving me a little extra time today so I could finish my thoughts and say with authority that I am NOT going to let my h put me back into the box I used to be in. That box no longer exists, as far as I am concerned. If he can't love me as I am now, then that's on him and his loss, not mine. I feel stronger than ever after our talk today, t. Thank you.

Dear T,
Sometimes I think you give me too much credit. I'm not like you (though I know that's not what you ever meant to imply). I don't know how you did it, but I'm not you. I'm scared. I should be proud and relieved but I'm not . I'm scared and depressed (or sad? I don't know)
Maybe she was right, maybe I just can't be happy.

t,

whats going to happen to my sister? i am in so much pain. i hurt for her. for my mom. our family is doomed. im so scared. i dont want to lose her. shes getting kicked out of her house. shes acutely psychotic and not talking to us. i just wanna know things are gonna be ok. but im afraid theyll never be

me

I miss you. I miss being in your presence. I miss our sessions. I miss your hugs, your touch. Now the tears fall and I would give anything to be in session with you so you can comfort me. Why do all good things have to end? That seems pretty cruel is this cruel life.

Way to go, Artemis-Within! Go you!

I dreamt about you last night. 3 am appointments?! I guess I need my MWR of t.

T,

Thanks for your text this morning even tho it woke me up.

Me

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Dear MC,
I hope everything works out to see you Tuesday. We (meaning H and I) have lots of stuff to talk about. It hasn't been a fun week...
Miss you,
LT

I'm getting really panicky about Tuesday.

Yesterday you said it's ok to have fantasies but I didn't tell you that that word has only bad, nasty connotations for me. I'm trying on my own to change that. I mean, what is an active imagination? That's a fantasy too and it can end up being about anything I want it to be, even though it starts with content from a dream. That's fantasy. Part of me is still so messed up, t.

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T,
i just knew that because i hadn't heard from you about if you're working tomorrow or not, that when i texted you today, you'd tell me you weren't. That is okay, you deserve time off too, but i REALLY wish you could have made up your mind earlier, and told me..instead of me asking you.

im hurting so badly, t.

Dear Old T. I believe that you must be away from your computer for the weekend. I hope it is only the weekend. I do feel stronger for just having emailed you but I still need to hear your words. Right now I can believe that you are still out there somewhere but if I don't hear from you by Tuesday I might start to lose that belief. Miss you.

We're going to have a lighter session next time I think. We've had a few deep ones and I think it's time we sat back a bit. It might actually be a good time to reflect on the last couple of sessions where we achieved a lot relationship-wise.
It's going to be hard not seeing you next week but I feel okay.

Dear T,
Sorry for texting you tonight. I know it's a holiday weekend, and I usually try not to bother you during those. But I'm really struggling tonight, for multiple reasons, particularly because of the stuff with my daughter. I feel like a failure as a mother.
I don't really expect you to write back, because, hey you could be in bed by now. But I just really need some support. (I won't call, that would be way too intrusive...)