Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

everything hurts.

Dear T,

(sorry for multiple emails) we can talk about this Friday)

I wrote this:



Then I realized this yesterday:
Also, not only was I not helped afterward, (except for PrevT. She tried to help me),

I was shamed.
I was actively shamed...by my family.
I felt shame with my therapist, my attorneys, AbusivePdoc's attorneys, medical licensing board investigators, Medicare/Medicaid, medical doctors, medical personnel...even in the hospital by staff and other patients.

I can't think of anyone or any time I didn't feel shame.

---
THEN, I lost the huge giant civil case....it was horrible trying to tell my family...and explain it. Can you imagine?

And the criminal case was thrown out.

I put so much work into the all the legal/civil/med lic. Board/ Medicare-Medicaid cases. Then I had to admit to family what I did, what I let him do, tolerate the shame... Tolerate their embarrassment.

Then I LOST.

No civil or monetary validation, no legal validation. Confirmation for me and family that I screwed up. Legal/civil courts agreed.

Even my own lawyer was mad at me.

I was/am destroyed.

I think I would have recovered a little better if I had just won prevailed in the criminal case or just won that damn civil case.
---
THEN, PrevT moved on. She changed jobs. She referred me to her colleague, J. J tried, but wasn't helpful because I was grieving PrevT.

After a while, maybe a few months of starting with J, I had to move back here.

Then I went fifteen years refusing to find a therapist. I just would not do it. I refused to try to see anyone.

So, nothing got processed.

And here we are.

I don't see how they could throw out the criminal case. That is abhorrent. Civil suits against insurance companies that insure Ts and MDS are so ****ed up. My former Ts insurance had a clause that they will not pay out for anything involving sexual malpractice. How can they do that? How is that legal...

I am sorry this happened to you. I feel it should be illegal in all states. It's not in mine. I hope your T knows how brave you are ... I do. For reporting him and for going thru with all that other stuff even though it didn't serve justice. It takes so much courage. Also, even just talking abt it with another T and also posting here. Brave. It was hard for me to hear those words so I understand if it's hard for you as well. I'm here for you

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T,

Re: ur text...

I hope so .

Me

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I wish I was quicker on my feet. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to school you a bit about that micro-agression you pulled out last session. it didn't hit me until I got home. Hey! Your hetero-gender role categories don't apply here. I would argue that they doesn't apply realistically anywhere but that's just my own opinion.

I'm gonna get my thoughts together on that and chat with ya next session. This will be my self-guided self-assertion homework assignment. I'm nervous just thinking about it but I know it will be fine.

You're on vacation this week. I miss you!

How am I supposed to interpret that response?
"Thanks" because you were mad and glad I explained?
"Thanks" because I kept you informed?
"Thanks" because you don't want to admit I upset you and don't know what else to say?

You sent an explanation.....

Still doesn't make sense to me.

Little one doesn't know who that person is. How can I answer your questions? Hmmmm. This is tough. Sorry I couldn't be there with you today, I don't know where I was. Hiding I think.

T-thanks for calling me today and speaking with me longer than you usually do. I needed to hear you weren't mad at me, and just needed to connect a bit. I still don't feel great, but a smidge better.

Dear T,
I feel like our talk about the weird vibe was kinda...weird (you weren't even clear if we'd actually talked about it!), but I had other things I needed to talk about today. Thanks for further validating my reaction to that event (MC started it yesterday, but you continued it). And thanks for listening to the MC stuff (once we got to it). As much as I didn't want to admit it (or attribute anything to OCD), you were probably right on target with that one thing. I already ordered the book you suggested.

I do appreciate you not pressuring me to reschedule with p-doc.

But you probably won't be able to see me next week, since you're off 2 of the 3 days? And then you'll see me the following week, and then you're on vacation for a week? So I'll see you once over 3 weeks? Ugh. I mean, of course you deserve vacation (and I'm not sure if the thing next week is even vacation), but still...

Today was fine but I wish you had said whatever it was that you were about to say that one day before I "went away." It feels unresolved to me. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but I thought you had something more to say and I wish you'd say it already.

You don't want to see me tomorrow. Trust me. I'm a mess.

But I'll be there. Sorry in advance.

ouch

Pdoc - I wish you wouldn't always focus on the negative things, I know it helps you but it really doesn't help me. At all.

I'm sorry I missed this! Oh, JD!

Please stay close to T...

let me know how you are doing, if u want to...

I hate you. You said I could email if I felt bad, and I did, and you never answered. Not one word. Nothing.
Finally I got you to respond to the inquiry if we still had an appointment, and your response was stiff and curt, just stating the appointment.
You have no life. You don't care. You give false support. You don't understand how horrible all those hours with no response was.
I feel stupid for ever trusting you.
I hate you.

Old pdoc,

Thanks for texting with me and supporting me...even tho its been 6 yrs since you were my pdoc. You said you love me...not the first time. I know u really care and love me (not in a creep way). I love you too

Me

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Stop being so stern I do not like it.

I am ok. Thank you...

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Dear t: I went through a series of thoughts/feelings this evening about insurance rejecting my claims cuz of the more than 50 minutes thing. In the end it's fine and I realize this was all for a very good reason. And will tell you next time!

T,

You probably don't care about how I feel about the Orlando shootings.

After all, when I brought up my internalised biphobia last time and said I hoped you could be an ally in my journey to self acceptance...you said it's no point recruiting you.

Do you agree with that hateful bigot pastor saying we all deserve to die and will be in hell?

Dear T,

As your patient first, I wish you didn't decide to be a therapist to my best friend/roommate. Because now she has pushed me too far over the edge and I want you to punish her for me. I know this isn't healthy. Maybe this is more a conflict of interest for me, rather than you. But I really don't trust talking to you about my issues with my best friend.

I want a new therapist.
I want my old therapist back.
Too bad she doesn't do therapy anymore, huh?

You miserable low-life scumbag!!! You must have concocted some story to get away with exploiting, betraying and abusing me for YEARS!!!

Dear current T,

I haven't done my homework. I'm trying, but it's hard because I don't feel much. I think that's my protector, according to schema therapy. I'm not doing it on purpose. I just have this whatever-feeling. And all I want to do is lay in bed and watch dumb television.
This has been going on for about 2 months, I think. When T went on leave, the first week I was kind of feeling alright. But then I started to feel lots of anger and also pain/sadness. And now I don't feel any strong feelings. I do feel a bit down, but I haven't got much thoughts going on in my head. It's like I get used to such things. That it's to be expected. Everyone will leave me at some point. Nobody thinks I'm important. Therapist only pretend to be interested, only for 45 minutes once a week.

You say you are more open about the client-therapist relationship and such. But I find it hard to believe that you, a T, could actually like me or think I'm important. You're not only a T, you're also a human being. But it seems that T's and pdoc's can switch their feelings of for clients. I find it hard to believe a T could actually care for a client. No previous T has ever said if they care or find me important or anything.

But whatever. Will you be disappointed when you see that my paper is almost totally empty?