Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear T --

When you say 'The Who', most people would assume the rock band and not the World Health Organization -- acronyms vs. abbreviations etc.

Not that I'm nit-picking of course.

Oh T, you totally just made my day. Thanks for the email!

I worked in health and the World Health Organisation was always referred to as the double u, aitch, oh. I would have thought a T would know this.

I just want to see you.

Her birthday is this month sometime, how perfect to put that image on a homemade bday card.!! Thank you.

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That was an awkward phone call. I'm sorry to have caused you momentary panic even though we sorted it out right away. Glad we see each other tomorrow. I can hardly wait, in a good way.

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Yes, I have a master's in health science, and the professor who taught the Intro to Public Health class always said it the way you described. If someone said it like "hoo" he'd be like "Hoo! Hoo!" like an owl. (Hey, it stuck n my head.)

Lol! Think I should make one of those and bring it to MC tomorrow. And maybe to T's on Wednesday, too.

t,

i hope u believe me when i say i didnt do any drugs

but i understand if and why you dont

me

I find it strange that you thought that if I were ever left alone in the therapy room the first thing I would do is look in a cupboard?!

Dear T,

I don't know what I need.

I don't want to see you this Friday, because it will be the last time I'll ever see you. Why do you have to leave? I feel like I got so lucky to get you as my T. My next T won't be as good.

There is no recovering from what you did to me. It's not over.....

T,

Thanks for letting me wallow all over ur couch like a 5 yr old

Me

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Dear MC,
Kinda nervous about seeing you today. Because you'll probably want to talk about the texts...I mean, one has content related to H that we should definitely discuss. But I'm thinking more about the needy "are you annoyed with me?" one. (And, on a more random note, I'm really hoping you won't ask me about David the Elephant's full name, as I might die of embarrassment!)

I'm seeing you tomorrow! It's been a looooong two weeks! I wonder if I have the courage to tell you I missed you.

Dear T,

I miss you. I miss you and focus on that during my week. I don't want you to be another person I survive.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Dear T, I feel beat up today. I don't know what reality is. All I know is I'm depressed and hurting and I feel like I've pissed everyone off. I know you said I could text you but I don't want to talk to anyone at all right now.

Dear ,

Thank you for helping me be brave.

Love,
Me

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I am confused T. What is this and where is it going? I can't tell right now. Hope that event doesn't mean I can't come Thursday.

T i realized something on the way to work this morning. Did you say i don't need therapy anymore to see if i know that i do? I should have answered "yes i do." don't play t games with my head, ok??????

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Dear MC,
You're awesome. I mean, you apologized as soon as I sat down for not texting me back sooner Friday, even though you were out of town. You reiterated how you weren't annoyed with me. You let me spend a lot of the session talking about my stuff, though it's a bit related to my relationship with H. (And you asked him about his stuff, too, so it was fairly balanced.) You made me laugh through my tears. (And were you wiping away a tear at one point? It looked like it, but maybe your eye just itched.)

You validated my feelings and said you were OK with continuing to do that, though you said you wanted me to reach a place where I could validate myself or at least be validated by H. Because you said you were a much less important person in my life than H or myself. Of course H (and DD) are at the top level of the importance hierarchy for me, but I don't think you realize that you're not that far behind them (T is really high up there, too). Or maybe you do? Maybe that's screwed up or pathetic or something, but it's just how it is for me right now. I wish you could stay in my life forever.
Love,
LT

I wish I didn't, but... I miss you, T.

Not sure how I can do tomorrow. I don't want to become overwhelmed again but I don't think I can avoid this. I need to find a way to communicate this to you...and to work out why it's so damn hard to get the words out of my mouth.

I think I might have just had a realisation. I might email you. Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference even if you had told me you wouldn't shout at me if I had dropped it. Maybe these things are best learnt through experience. Maybe i should have just dropped it and seen what you did (ok maybe not!!) Maybe I need to learn that sometimes people will shout but if I am stronger in myself I can cope with it better without it seeming like an attack against me and me believeing that the relationship is beyond repair. Maybe. Maybe.