Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear MC,
If you weren't annoyed at me texting you late on a Friday night, I'm assuming a Tuesday evening e-mail should be OK (especially since I think you stay late on Tuesdays, so it's part of your office hours). I just had to get some of the feelings out because they were kind of overwhelming. And I wanted you to know that you're appreciated and helping me, because I get the sense you need/crave validation, too. I probably should have said that you didn't need to respond, and you don't really need to (but just a "thanks for sharing" would be nice of course!)

(I'll stop spamming this board now!)

I'm drinking way too much tonight and wanting to mix it with a med so I can not think or feel anymore.

Ugh t my h told me earlier that he wishes I would quit therapy. I don't want to quit. I feel like I still have work to do. I don't know how you feel, after my recent bout of crazy-intense transference, maybe you are ready to dump me anyway because of that. I've been thinking a lot about that.

i called T.

thank you T for always answering my long-winded e-mails. i still hate the "reason" for all of this, it is dumb...but thanks for not thinking i'm a loser.

t, now that i've had a couple of margaritas, think i should tell h that i am not quitting therapy until i am damn good and ready and he can just get the hell over it?

and by the way, i love you and i'm looking forward to talking on Saturday and please don't be too hard on me i have already been pretty darn hard on myself for how i was acting last time

Stop shoving me away because you can't handle your feelings about me

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(((EM)))

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T,

Why can't I be normal?! You and other non socially anxious people easily do certain things so easily.

Why am I so pathetic?!

T,

I really want to self harm. I also really want to be able to report to you that I went two full weeks without any form of physical self harm...

Learning to keep my opinions to myself.

I turned it down, because I didn't want the responsibility.

Three more days till I'm on the other side of the world: to vacation, an old lady vacation, with only one loud concert thrown in. Why she wants me, I'll never know.

As I wrote that, I did not hear the old voice, I hear the new voice again, yours; Wtr, you know why she picked you. Can you it in?

Me: I'll try.

FM: Take it in.

Me: I am.

Dear T-S

I still glow a little bit when I look at the bracelet. It felt so good to get that from a T. I felt like a child when you said I could pick some beads for a bracelet that would remind me to those words.
Maybe it seems a bit silly that I feel like that over a couple of beads which probably won't cost much and that are given to more clients. But it's the first time I got something from a T. Getting something like that, it gives me a feeling that I'm worth something, that you don't really dislike me.

But the downside, this occured not long after you gave those beads. When I look at the beads I also think; Í never got anything like this from T-M''.
I don't have anything that reminds me of her. No note, not even a paper with one word on it. Only some emails, but that's different.

Dear MC,
Even though it was meant as just a thanks and an FYI to you, I hope you at some point respond to my e-mail from last night. It's nothing urgent. I think the issue is that in my mind, I know what I really wanted to say, but didn't, so it's like I'm nervous as if I'd said that. Of course, I already told you that once before, nearly a year ago, but then a few days later, we had a rupture. So I'm scared to say it. But when I have overwhelming feelings, I find it helps me to just get them out. Maybe you'll read between the lines of "intense feelings of gratitude and warm/fuzzy feelings toward you (that I know are mostly transference-y)" and get what I mean...That I love you so much. Platonically, but like really intensely...

sad panda

Dear T,
Did you really say today that you loved me, too? I mean, I'm assuming that's what you meant when I shared that with you (though I'd said it before) and added that I knew the therapy relationship was kind of unique, and you agreed that it was and how you aren't supposed to reciprocate, adding, "Not that I don't love you, too." I was too afraid to ask in session, but I can't think of how else you would have meant it. It's just...last time said it, last summer, you said something like "That's sweet." So...just really surprised and feeling good that you said it...

(Will resist urge to e-mail you to ask if you really meant it.)
Love,
LT

Dear T,
I know you really, really, really want me to trust you but I can't. Not yet. But I really am trying to. I know you have no reason to lie to me about anything, but I do question your motives. Please don't give up on me. I promise I'll get there. Eventually.

T i have been in a foul mood all day - just plain old angry at the world, like i can do nothing right, my handle time is way too high today at work, can't focus, wish i could explore this anger with you today but i can't, not til saturday i will not bother you with something this stupid between sessions. I need to just get over it. Hell i need to just get over YOU and quit like h clearly wants me to. Then i wouldn't be so broke all the time. Meh. Stomp. Art is angry and hateful and needs to hide in my cave. Where did it go?

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Dear MC,
Please be your usual caring self about my additional disclosure (which is really a re-disclosure, I guess). I don't expect the same reaction as T, but just something... The fact that I felt relief after sending it meant it was something I needed to do, but still, as...I think George Constanza said (or someone on Seinfeld), that's a big matzo ball hanging out there. (Which, I guess, is appropriate for you!)

Feeling better panda

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I care about you too. But I don't want anything to change.

Dear T

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow, about what you'll say about my email. I was really honest. A big part of it I had also told T-on-leave when she was still my T, but it wasn't really helpful. And now I've all these feelings, mostly anger and hurt. It's eating me. I feel so unmotivated and down, empty.
Maybe this email will change how you think about me, maybe you'll think less about me. I'm a bit worried, but I also feel like what does it matter, sooner or later she (you) will leave me too (so when it's not my choice to end therapy). I have this feeling of whatever when it comes to you and our therapy and what I tell you.

Even though I think you're alright, I don't feel a connection (yet). It's not like with other T, but I've known her for years. But it makes me feel so lonely during a difficult time.

Dear T,
Hope I did not overwhelm you with pictures today. I feel happy that you might watch the movies I suggested and we might get to talk about them at some point. It might seem like a little thing to you but it's not for me. Thank you for listening to me.

MC,
Why did I send that e-mail? Am I testing you? Or am I just a masochist?
...
But seriously, I sent that 3.5 hours ago (I checked!). Why am I freaking out already? (Answer: Because I'm me.) Chances are pretty good that you haven't even read it yet. Or that you've read it but are on your way home and will respond later tonight or tomorrow. And maybe want to think about how to respond in a kind and caring way. Which I hope you do. Sooner rather than later.

Sorry I'm so needy...

Why do values clarification exercises make me so angry? Furious and frustrated and agitated and it makes no sense. Maybe I feel attacked or criticized by them, by the implication that I haven't been behaving according to my values? It's just a piece of paper with words on it but it had me bawling tonight.

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