Couch 113 - Sofa, So Good

More seriously: she's Greek or Greek-American. There is still a strong tradition there of naming children after ancient gods, heroes, and statesmen. Herakles, Perikles, Demeter (Dimitra), etc. Even someone named Alexander or Alexandros is named for the Great.

It's ok. That's like that saying, "for every step forward there are two steps back." Just keep pressing forward! Easy for me to say I know, not in your shoes right now. But, I do have a pair that similar.

I don't think it is an especially unusual name if one is in Greece or of Greek descent. I just found it funny due to the subject matter.

It's hard. I can't even explain the blackness I feel at times. Not enough to be considered depression, but at times, it is so deep and completely consuming. I thought I was over feeling this. But it never completely leaves. I feel so worthless. So pathetic. So much like a messed-up freak. Someone who can't do anything right. Selfish. Just bad overall. My T said I wasn't bad. That bad people are rapists and murderers. But I AM bad. He's wrong! I am bad. I am nothing. I haven't said those things at once to myself in about a year. I just don't know what to do anymore. He says "What is there to hate about yourself?" Like you can't see. My hair, the way I talk, I'm an ugly *****, excuse the language, the way I act, everything. I can't even take care of myself mentally. How in the world is that something to love? It's not! Such a worthless freak. I have people telling me how worthwhile I am, how important, and all I can say the whole time is, no, I'm not! Not at all. So stop telling me that! And yet it feels good to hear even if I don't believe it. And then I feel selfish trying to get help and telling people what is wrong because everything in my mind us how awful things are for me. Me, me, me. And I HATE it. How much can one person hate themselves before it becomes too much? Honestly. I think it never stops. Sorry, guys. I'm rambling.
Thanks, TrailRunner. I love the support you always give me, along with everyone else here. I know I can always speak here and people hear. People who can truly understand and go through the same things.

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Some random thoughts, DF:

Appearance, accent, hair - those who would hate on the basis of such things usually can be described by a negative adjective ending in -ist.

And there are two opposites to love: hatred and not love. They are not the same, and the latter is more common than the former.

Thanks for the thoughts, Atisketatasket. Unfortunately, many people where I live do judge based on looks. And I haven't really seen anything good on the inside, either. I dont see a person worth loving, or someone who deserves love. Anything good, actually. I made myself believe I had to stay here because death was too kind to me. I feel i deserve all the pain I feel here. I deserve it. It's more than just looks. But thank you so much trying to make me feel better. I love that people here care. I would never say any of theses things outside of here or my T's office. And I haven't actually said this there, yet. We have talked about self hate and why, how he told me to think better of myself, but not this. But I can see the reasoning behind the last point you said. It'll give me something to think on.

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Love would be the incitement to anger in t

Nothing against the greeks - i think my ancestry is thus, a few generations ago.

--- star trek is showing the trouble with tribbles tonight, in honor of william schallert who passed this week. Also in this episode, one of my favorite western players, whit bissell - distinctive looking and i just like his name!

Sending hugs DF. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I grew up feeling like I was bad and that destroyed my self-esteem and I have worked so hard in therapy to start restoring it. Awhile back I had a huge realization and it was a pivotal moment in my therapy where I realized way down deep in my soul that I am not bad. I am not bad! And I never WAS bad! I literally cried tears of joy when I said that to my t the first time. I want to find what I wrote and share it with you. Hoping I can find it. It was life-changing for me. I'm in my 50's now so I lived with that feeling like I was bad, and worthless, etc for a really really long time before my t helped me start turning my thinking around. It's hard work, I know. But your t is right. You are worthwhile. Look at how much support you provide to the rest of us here on the couch! Bad, worthless people do not support others. They try to tear others down. I have never seen you try to tear someone down here. You are always supportive of everyone, and I for one appreciate you!

I had some little joy-tears well up today too while talking with t - when I shared with her that I'm beginning to accept my whole self - that I am by nature a sensitive, emotional and loving person and that's just who I am - and that with all of the insensitivity and hate that exists in our world today, I am needed out there in the world exactly as I am - and I'm just done shaming myself for being sensitive and emotional. I'm done! My parents shamed me my entire growing-up years for being emotional and I took that behavior on myself after I moved out of there house. No more. T grinned and clapped for me. That made me feel good.

So do I DF. ART your story seems to be mine too. Every word I read resonated in my heart. This may be a trigger but I so want to share it. Just saying.

I myself am in my 50s. Don't understand the pivotal point of that age. Anyway. My mom takes great pride, even now at my age, reselling stories is how defiant, strong willed, disrespectful and basically a bad kid that I was. She usually likes to take this opportunity at holidays or gatherings where there are many people around. She loves to replay the moments that she punished me into obedience.

Case in point:

I'm 2 standing in my driveway. There is a line before you get too close to the road. She tells everybody/me that I'm not supposed to cross that line. Unfortunately, I do. She takes great pride in telling the story that she pulled a switch off the tree in the front yard and switched my leg every time I put it across the line.

In my memory, I did step across the line, I do remember the switch and also the fact that it hurt and every time I put my foot down for the hurt of the switch it was over the line. Switch again. I was caught In a no win situation with no way out. I couldn't get away from the line or the switch.

It would have been so different if she had just picked me up. Carried me away from the line in the driveway and told me that she loved me.

Just wanted to share that part of me.

Thank you so much, Artemis-Within. I can't tell you how much y
That means to me. I know it will be a lot of work, and I am glad I have such great people to support me. I realize I have a lot I need to work on. My parents love me, and they don't always see when they hurt me. My brother as well. My sister, I am stuck between her loving me or just being manipulative. Some bad things have happened in life. But my main problem comes from kids in school, saying mean things and laughing. There a few hard times I specifically remember, and told my t good things might of happened, but I just don't remember them. He told me things hat may be, but the bad things are what I remember, and that is what matters. I believe I have rake what they said, added to it, and made it like a self-prophecy in a way. If that makes sense. It made it who I was, and I have changed so much. I have been distorted by the world. And now I want my old self back. But my old self is gone. Crushed. She was weak and someone Noone wanted around but my parents. So she was destroyed. Sadly. Now I know she was never bad, didn't need to go. And I have that little girl in my that never grew up. If that makes sense. And thank you for the writing. I have never cried in therapy, and I fear that day when I do, but I love that you shared with me. It means a lot to me.

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Please don't apologize!! Your post earlier got my mind thinking on attachment. That word came up in my journal last week. Feeling that you are loved, safe and heard are life altering.

As I was reading your post a memory came back to me so strong. I went to my trail. Plugged the music in my ears and didn't think. It was there though.

Image of me not feeling well. Tried to tell my mom I didn't feel good. She told me I was fine. I threw up at her feet. She didn't want to hear me or acknowledge that I needed her

Yeah. Same story in my house but played out in a slightly different way. (((Trail)))

Oh, TrailRunner! I wish she had. Every child deserves that love. I wish you could have had that!
By the way, am I the youngest here? Two people I now know are over 50. Not that big of a deal, but my curiosity wants to know.

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Hugs to both of you, TrailRunner and Artemis-Within. I feel bad whining about this when both of you obviously had it a lot worse. I'm sorry you went through that.

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I'm gonna be 54 on July 4. But I am quite in touch with my inner 15 year old (I call her 15 for short), in fact was just talking with t about her today. A lot of the push-pull I experience with t sometimes, is because of 15 being activated by stuff. (I never believed in the whole 'inner child' idea, until current t helped me understand.) I realized early on in therapy that my emotional development for all intents and purposes stopped when I was 15, the year my beloved grandma died, she was more of a mother to me than my mother was. So part of my therapy has been about 'growing up' 15, in a way.

I'm 18. I have told T it's like that little girl I pushed to the side when I had to grow up to take care of my mom emotionally and deal with everything is still hiding in me, waiting to be released. A lot of people say I act older than I am. They are surprised at how young I am. They call me an 'old-soul'.

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I think my new favorite baseball player name is Brandon Belt.

I'm 51 but feel so much younger! I always have. I have a 12 year old part of me that I feel holds my "voice". There are 3 things that my counselor told me that children of trauma loose. Their voice. Their freedom. Their ability to have a true relationship with someone else. I think that's right. It really feels like I've got caught up in a time warp, if that makes sense.

Age is a matter of mind. I believe that is true.

I think the switch thing was played out all over the south in the early/mid 60s- or at least in my neck of the south. I once shocked a whole group of student interns in a case who were going on about a switching some kid received and were all worked up because of some welts - I thought everyone knew that welts were usual - so I was not all worked up and sort of unconcerned.

Of course - I think I was born to be 50 so there is that. I love being in my 50s. I always wanted to be an adult - it was a great relief when I got to be one.

(I really find it amazing how much can be discussed in that too-short 50 minutes when I actually talk and don't sit there going "hmm" or "I don't know" or just giggling because I'm embarrassed. We really hit the ground running today and covered a whole lot of stuff!)

It makes sense.

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I'm watching the Giants game right now! Haven't seen him come up to bat yet though.

1-4, 2 K. (He's the first baseman on my fantasy team.)

Yep. Switching are not always good. Especially if you can remember in detail a particular one you received when you were 2, and the feeling that there was no way out. To also have it played out, in detail at my age now, is something that takes me outside of myself now.

Forgive me!! Too much info coming in from the memory.