I think I'm a stalker...

Okay, so I had a really bad day today. I've been missing my T so much. We recently extended our session to 3 weeks apart, it's week two. Usually I'd have an appointment tomorrow, but my next ones not until next Thursday.

I've been listening to a recording she made for me, trying to journal and to distract myself. It's not working. I've been feeling really crap and alone, I need to connect with my
T.

I know what car she drives (from arriving at her office around the same time once), and it's quite distinctive. One day I noticed it parked near a local health precinct. I worked out she works there the other two days a week.

Tonight after work I felt really crap, so I went to the car park and sat in the car. I was hoping to see her in the car park. After about 5 minutes I decided it was a stupid idea and was about to leave when she walked past.

I don't think she saw me, but I'm worries she spotted me before I saw her. I think she kind of looked over her shoulder. I had an anxiety attack after she left. What if she thinks I'm a creep? Am I a creep?

If she saw me do you think she will bring it up? I don't know whether to admit to what I've done or pretend it was a coincidence. I'm scared she's going to terminate me or something.

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I wouldn't say you are a creep, because I believe your intentions are innocent, but I would say you are verging on borderline stalking behaviour with the waiting in the car park. If she doesn't bring it up, don't bring it up. If she does, I don't know what you should do.

I know it would really freak me out if I found out that someone was waiting in the car park to catch a glimpse of me, even if I believed they had no intention of hurting me.

Maybe you could write a letter or email telling her how you feel and discuss in therapy? If you're not doing so great, would you consider moving your sessions closer together?

If talk about having seasons closer together.

I don't think you are a creep. I know I often have the urge to walk to my Ts house and just sit round the corner like I used to do with the teachers I wished had paid some attention to what was going on with my life years ago but I just keep telling myself I have my T now, things are different. I have her for two whole hours a week and if I do something I could jeopirdise that.

I think you really need to have the conversation with your T that maybe your sessions need to come closer together or you need some support from her in between sessions if things get rough. Trying to make this go away on its own won't work, in my experience, it just gets worse. Hang in there and maybe writing it out would be a good plan?

You are not a stalker. But you might find some relief talking to your T about this. Can you increase your sessions for a while?

The 'psychotherapy' page here is full of threads of people stressing about the fact that they are googling to know more about T, or doing other things (that they find disturbing) to try be - in some way - closer to T.

Some have commented about the way psychotherapy deliberately awakens attachment issues and gives rise to these impulses.

Presumably your T is experienced and mature enough to be able to help you with this. If not, you need a better T!

I don’t think one instance of this type of behaviour makes you a stalker.

However, it is worth thinking about potential ‘repeats’. What happens whenever you go through hard times or don’t see her? Also, from what you write, she *might* have seen you this time. What if she catches you in the act in the future?

I think it would be worth nipping in the bud and talk to her about it (in an attempt to find more practical solutions and/or help you cope).

So, if I were you, I would bring it up - whether she does or not.

I don't think it's stalking. For one, you're not harassing her, nor are you doing this obsessively, every day she's there or something like that.

I do think maybe you weren't quite ready to cut back on sessions.

It is not stalking according to me. Relax. Reduce the gap between the sessions if possible. You may need a plan for the time the urge/thought crops up again.

I don't think you sound like a stalker- you just sound like you are in terrible pain. I agree with the others about bumping back up to more frequency.

I don't think you're a stalker or a creep. I understand wanting to feel a connection with your T while you aren't with them. I've driven past my T's house because I wanted to see what it looked like and I wanted to feel a connection. I think you should see your T more frequently.

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As thesnowqueen said, this sort of thread is common, and seems awakening of attachment needs is the root of it. But i would argue that it's not just that, it's also the extreme rationing of contact. Therapy, in my view, sets up a cruel paradox -- activating of intense longing combined with long periods of separation broken only by contact that is brief and fraught with anxiety.

I think these scenarios where the client self-blames and self-pathologizes reflect the routine failure of therapists to inform clients up front that such behavior can result from the unique structure of therapy, and to explain what is really going. Might also be that therapists dont understand well enough to explain it or they are used to assuming that everything is about the client's preexisting issues. Context is important. Humans need proximity to attachment figures, therapy prevents it largely.

Does seem like OP might need more frequent sessions, but i think it's also relevant to ask whether it is healthy to be subjected to this dynamic at all, if it's triggering such preoccupation.

There is a big difference between being a stalker, and committing stalkerish actions! Its clear from your OP that you don't have it in you to be the kind of scary stalker everyone fears.

I do speak from experience. Being stalked is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I suspect most therapists have also had to deal with clients whose morals are not as high as yours, and who have no restraint when it comes to attachment and stalking. For all they know - you could be one of 'them'.

I really strongly hope that you do speak to your T about this. And Im saying that for her sake, as well as yours. My 'evil' stalker never spoke about, never acknowledged, we never ever verbalised what he was doing to me. Its terrifying - because you don't know how scared to be. You don't know just what that person is capable of. Speaking about it outloud. Being honest with her about what you did and why - Im sure she will understand your motivations, and feel so much less threatened by you having the bravery to bring this up. I imagine any distress you caused (if she saw you) would dissipate once the two of you spoke openly about your need for contact. Once she understands your motivations she will realise you are not the kind of person she needs to worry about.

Your actions are completely understandable. I hope you are brave enough to talk about it, and that your T is understanding and helpful and the two of you can move forward.

I definitely think you should talk to your therapist about this ASAP. Therapists really do have a dangerous job, and this is the sort of behavior that is a red flag for them. If you deal with it early, and find a way to deal with the attachment pains (and oh, I understand those!), you'll definitely feel better, and your T probably will, too.

I talked to my T about sometimes sitting in his empty office parking lot at night when things were bad at home, and that one time I felt like taking a picture of his office window, because he leaves the lamp on at night and it felt safe. He gave me permission (I'm a photographer), and in return, I gave him a nice varnished black and white print of his office window through my rainy windshield one night. If I hadn't asked first, I would have felt awfully stalkery about doing that.

I certainly don't think you're a bad person, nor done anything bad, really. It is the kind of behavior that can become a kind of toxic secret in therapy, and lead to a shame spiral that can cause all sorts of problems. Good on you for tackling it head on!

I don't think you were stalking either. Intention is everything.

If I were a therapist and saw a client duck away in public, I'd probably just assume we ran into each other coincidentally and the client was embarrassed seeing me.

I also think it's a good idea to talk about increasing session frequency.

Really? Never heard about this being a "red flag" for therapists!

Even if she saw you, you could have been there for another reason. Do you think three weeks is to far apart? Did you do this for financial reasons or time restrictions? If not, you may want to look into increasing your time again.

I'm pretty sure if my therapist saw me sitting in the parking lot at a different workplace of his I had no normal reason to be at, he'd be concerned. In his shoes, I certainly would be. Showing up at someone's workplace to see them or watch them without permission is a really common behavior for stalkers.

I in no way mean this as an accusation or slam against the OP. The urge to be closer/catch a glimpse/drive by [or sitting in their parking lot at night *ahem*] for clients feeling attachment pain is completely understandable, and I think it is admirable that the OP is dealing with it, and is looking at it from their therapist's perspective as well.

Surely it would be a red flag for anyone?!

Whilst my heart goes out people really suffering with transference and boundary issues - it really does. I know the intensity of pain needed to bring on that behaviour. But this is such a huge red flag issue, and is spoken about so freely in texts for therapists - that it has put me off becoming a T myself even if I ever got rich enough to afford to do the qualifications!

*edit - under no circumstances am i talking about the OP here - i thought he sounded kinda lovely and self aware and not scary.

Let's not assume we know the nature of the therapist/client relationship with respect to what would be a red flag.

My therapist knows me well enough to know that if I started showing up at her work, etc, something was going on emotionally for me and that I needed her. More than likely, she'd feel sad for me and try to work through it. She'd probably also let me know that I need to call her and make an appointment if I'd like to see her. I don't think she'd jump to the conclusion that I was some sort of dangerous stalker.

Sorry - I didn't mean it to sound like an automatic assumption. More like, an automatic possibility Its the talking about it that dissolves the fear though - Thats the point I was trying (badly) to get across.

I think it's counter-productive and insensitive to tell an anonymous commentator on a forum like this that his behaviour is likely to be interpreted as threatening and dangerously pathological. It's especially absurd when the forum is itself full of accounts of quite similar types of behaviour.

I'm the odd one out. I think it is stalker behavior. Yes you only did it once and feel bad for it, vut you still did it.

I haven't had the desire to stalk my current T, but ex-T... I think about showing up at her work and confronting her. I think about sitting in my car on her street watching her. And I think about sending her "gifts" (things she wouldn't like). But I don't do it. They're just thoughts. But if I put it into action, I would consider myself a stalker.

Googling is different to me. It's public information. Their fault if they put it out there. Like FB. There's ways to lock it down. And my T knows I google her. We actually made a deal. Come termination, if she give me all the things I wanted, I'm not supposed to goggle her anymore. Of course she wouldn't know, but I'm an honest person and stick to my word.

Try to reverse the situation. Would you like it if you saw yoyr T spying on you? That would creep me out bad.

Waiting somewhere, hoping for a glimpse of the one person in the world that understands what you have been through is not quite the same as showing up at someone's work place and 'confronting them' (whatever that means). Nor is it like deliberately sending gifts the other person won't like. Both of these behaviours seem highly aggressive which suggests a quite different scenario.

I don't think anyone has used the words 'dangerously pathological'. The kind of behaviour we are talking about here has a massive spectrum, and as I said before, I think OP is not a threat, and is at the mild end of the spectrum.

But- having had a colleague sit in a car park spying on me - Hell yeah - Thats threatening! I don't doubt for a second that the OP's intention wasn't meant to be threatening - but there is a very realistic possibility is that it could have been interpreted by his T as threatening behaviour. Its not counter productive to advise him to prevent this by talking to his T. Its positive encouragement to OP to turn this situation in to a constructive and healing event, rather than to sit on secrets and shame and let it spiral in to something worse.