Having Trouble Doing Homework

Our homework after first session was to make a list of what we wish we could change about each other and a To Do list of what each other should do.

I've been thinking about it all week. At this point, I don't have a wish of what I want. What I keep coming up with is a list of wishing I could change my feelings, knowing I can't change him and make him someone he is not.

I'm not sure what I am going to write.

I don't even want to ask for anything anymore.

Feeling like there's too much inherently wrong with me. Feeling too hurt. Just feeling too sick to do anything.

Is this for couples counseling?

Yes. Long term marriage, one single major dysfunctional issue regarding sexual routine that has caused me severe hysteria and depression. We are sleeping apart now.

Can you possibly put down the issue and what you want? Or maybe that --- would stop doing the variation that has caused the hysteria. or what --- would have to do right now for you to want to share a bed?

Can you write those things you wish you could change about yourself, and then a list of things your husband can do to help you do that?

Sorry things are so rough. Good luck with everything.

Marriage counseling can be hard, I know. But the only way it's really helped H and I is when we've both been open and honest in there. And it took us both time to get there (like months).

Is the list supposed to be more ideal qualities your H would have? I think your T probably just wants you each to talk about what you think is missing. Not that you think your H is going to change who he is entirely, but just little changes maybe. I mean, at one point, I wish I said my H had more empathy and understanding, that he listened more. And we've worked in session on what exactly I mean by that, because maybe he's feeling empathy but doesn't know how to show it. (That's just an example, of course.)

Now, if you're like, "I wish my H was 6 inches taller and much better looking"--well, that probably isn't something you could change! But if it was, say, "I wish he'd do more nice things for me" or "I wish he'd do certain chores without my having to ask" or "I wish he'd listen to me talk about why I'm struggling"--those are all things you can work with in session and at home.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions about marriage counseling.

I came up with: "I wish he showed he cared in the ways that are meaningful to me." But then when I do the To Do list, I can't help but get very upset and frustrated with futility because this has gone on for so long it's disgusting.

Also, I have been reading psych articles about what love is supposed to be and what is toxic. Nearly everything we are doing is unhealthy. I feel so broken.

And, I know I have trust issues, but I feel like the assignment is a trick. The doctor is going to say "you can't change anybody. You are supposed to accept them for who they are." So the very assignment of making a wish list and a to do list is going to be pointed out that it is just being manipulative and wrong.

Ain't I a doozy?

I think this is the beginnings of eventually dealing with and improving upon your self worth. Listing off things you do want will give the therapist a pretty good idea of where things presently stand in that regard.

Look, even writing down "I don't know where to start" would be helpful as it indicates to the therapist the extent of the difficulties. Remember too, you aren't the first person to experience these difficulties and find this homework overwhelming. That might be a good place to start even, "I don't want this to be overwhelming. I want to feel good about starting this."

What if you were to think about your daily routine and his? Perhaps jot down for yourself your feelings about each incremental part of the day noting what time and experience is a trigger or gets under your skin. Note too your recation to it and how it changes your mood. This might make things easier to then address that homework.

I don't think your T is trying to trick you. (If it turns out that's what it was, you need to find a new T!) Sure, you can't change someone based on your wishes. But if--OK, I'm just using a random example--if you were like, "I wish my H would buy me flowers sometimes for no reason." That's something your H *could* do something about. Or if you said, "I wish he would focus on me when I'm talking about something important rather than playing with his phone." Then that's maybe something he could work on. So...maybe think about stuff like that? The idea a PP mentioned about thinking through your day and what you wish could be different could help, too.

The wish list is just a starting point. It's to help you think about what's missing from your marriage. I'd also suggest saying in session that coming up with the list was hard, because you know you can't change him. Maybe your T will explain the point of the exercise. I'm sure he had some reason for it. Probably to get you thinking about what's missing, what you wish was different, and then to figure out which of those things you/H could work toward.

It wasn't a trick. It was a starting point for things to work on.

Very interesting session where my husband made it sound like we have a tiny issue and then I painted the picture of how hugely, deeply dysfunctional we are.

The therapist said I was being histrionic. I guess I was dramatic in explaining. I'm feeling like that adds to 'getting the book (of diagnoses) thrown at me. I don't care, as long as I can stop this hysteria. I said I am not hysterical as long as I am not in the bed or even in the house with my h now.

I am hoping we can take the time to really get to the bottom of it all and sort out how much is me truly having diagnoses, what is happening with him and me together, etc... I need to look into myself before I try to move on because what if I leave my h and then fall into just as unhappy a situation?

I am very thankful I am getting this time and help to sort things out.

The therapist said you were being histrionic? That would make me look for a new marriage counselor... He shouldn't be labeling you like that. Plus, how does he know it's you being dramatic and not your H minimizing?

In the beginning of marriage counseling for me, I was generally the one bringing up all the issues, while H would just be like, "I wish she did the dishes more." So I'm sure I sounded like the dramatic one, but MC wasn't labeling anything. Eventually, he started pushing harder (partly at my request), and H started being more open about some issues he was having, too.

Dear TishaBuv,
One possibility: The fact that he's making you hysterical means that he has the capacity to really hurt you. Only people we really love in some way can hurt us that deeply. I don't know him or if there are a few or many things that have or are hurting you so deeply. Nor do I know how it will all end. Marriage counseling is good but remember all healthy relationships start with learning to forgive and love yourself first. I'm not saying it's easy.

Plus, now that I think of something you previously posted; it's most unfortunate that other family members are not being at all empathetic and understanding toward you. No matter. (though it hurts making it harder for you to heal) What matters in your marriage is can you be empathetic and understanding to each other? Can you forgive each other? Can you find ways to show each other that you care? It seem impossible when it's not happening. I wish marriage counselors could hypnotise people and make them go back to how they felt when they first saw each other. Also, stay away from family members who do not show any understanding towards you. People like that just make a toxic situation worse.

The fact that he was willing to go to therapy must mean he cares in some sort of way for you!

I looked up histrionic:
overly theatrical or melodramatic in character or style.
"a histrionic outburst"
synonyms: melodramatic, theatrical, dramatic, exaggerated, stagy, actorly, showy, affected, artificial, overacted, overdone;

He criticized my expressive demeanor? Certainly, what I told him was not exaggerated, and my h confirmed it. Hmmm. So, I got accused of being somewhat unlikable by him? He didn't like my way of speaking?

Maybe I'll tell him next time that bothered me.

My h told his 'side' of our story in a strangely single-faceted way, omitting critical information. He spoke very slowly, giving very little detail. He took a long time with his answers to the questions the t asked, looking pensive. The t rambled on about having confidence to be encouraging in a gentle tone of voice.

Then I told my 'side', painting the whole picture, telling him how dysfunctional we both truly have been. The t said I was being histrionic and took a rather abrasive tone with me. When I started to cry he looked so cold and intentionally emotionless to me, like that was something he purposely wanted to portray, and handed me a box of tissues. I swear I read on his face that he was thinking 'you are not going to get any sympathy from me with those tears!'.

I feel like this same thing happened with the last male t we went to together, too. That guy outright attacked me with his tone and whatever he said to me in that session, which I really don't remember, only that I was hysterically crying.

I also feel like my husband is playing the situation. He is purposely playing this by pretending to be so clueless and one dimensional. If he is truly honest, I can't understand what is wrong with him. It is not possible for a person to be so dense.

Wait! The same dynamic happened yet another time with two male T's in the room we went to together. Same thing! I also felt attacked, like they all ganged up on me.

Interestingly, the female T's we went to were different. One focused that he should eat lunch and exercise to come home in a better mood. We stopped seeing her because it seemed wrong that we would need to keep checking in with her to keep us on track for initiating sex. It seemed like a dominatrix, weird dynamic.

It's just all too weird.

I did not feel attacked by the male t who told me to have my h come see him and he would give him a good talking to. I hate to stereotype, but he was an inner-city black man who was very macho and these other T's were suburban white average built males. The women were middle aged white females. The women seemed the most neutral in their treatment toward both of us, and yet there was something just too uncomfortable about the whole dynamic about the very nature of our sexual problem and involving someone else in the mix, period.

After seeing many, many therapists about this, I feel it's just futile.

Sorry you are being ganged up on, not helped. Sounds like you just need to go to your own therapist. It sounds like your husband is taking something (anger at you?) out on you in a very passive aggressive way. It sounds awful.
My recent suggestions are a bit biased, in that, my husband and I, somehow, figured out a way to feel love for each other again. Of course, being a romantic, want everyone to be so lucky. But, I know that every marriage is different and some of the dynamics are simply indescribable.
So I am so sorry that your marriage is not working. The whole situation sounds maddening in ways that would make many women upset down to their core! You must be especially upset by the the fact that h is not showing tenderness/love. Sorry you are going through this!

How about I wish you gave easier homework