Whoa. My session.

So the 1st thing I told my T about was my SI. He said that we definitely need to talk about that because in the past, it has always been mentioned, but never explored. BUT, he reminded me that on Tuesday he had promised that he would bring up the topic of getting angry at him in session (I had asked him to do so because if he didn't bring it up, it would never get addressed). So we decided to talk about that first.

We talked about my strongly somatic reaction in last Tuesday's session-- about how it was connected to my extreme fear of letting him know that I was angry with him.
Then he asked me to read the part of my journal that I wrote after the previous Tuesday session in which I got really mad at him. I told him that it said some very harsh things towards him and that I was scared to death to read it. I told him I was scared because if I read it, not only might I have to experience those angry feelings towards him again, but I was afraid I was going to *ruin* our relationship. After about 15 minutes of procrastinating and him telling me that it is okay-- that he will still be here no matter what-- I read it. I read to him, a whole paragraph in which I cursed him out, called him every name in the book, stated that I hate him, that I felt like he manipulated me, that I wish I never got caught up with him, and that I wanted to slam his door through the wall when I left.

and everything was okay.

he was right there.

We talked about the issue of two sessions per week. He said that he had suggested we wait a whole week to see what happens, since I said it would be too painful to have to reduce sessions once my internship started. I told him how no matter what the situation was, and no matter what I said, I felt abandoned just because he didn't tell me to come twice. That no matter what his intentions were, I felt rejected.

Then, in classic me-style, I brought something important up 5 minutes before the session ended. I started to tell him how I was slowly figuring out where my physical intimacy issues with my husband were coming from. (We had never really talked about this before. It was mentioned once, but I never elaborated because I was embarrassed as hell). I told him that holding and cuddling satisfied my inner-child, and that once I got comfortable enough to release that child in front of my husband, the adult went away, and I became afraid of "adult-like physical intimacy," at which point, my T goes.... "Ummm, I assume you mean sex?" I was like, "Yeaaahhhh.... that would be one of the words I have difficulty saying in therapy." We talked a little about how I never had problems with physical intimacy in the past, because I would never get attached to anyone-- I would just go from person to person. He noted how I love to bring up whoppers at the end of the session, and I stated I would try to return to this topic next time.

Then it was the end of the session. He asked me if I could come back on Tuesday. Then he said: I think two sessions per week will be really beneficial for you. And if coming twice per week is difficult once you start your internship, we will work around that.

I almost died.

Then he thanked me for reading that part of my journal to him. I laughed and told him I never had anyone thank me for cursing them out. I said to him, "You know, you're not that bad..." And he said, "Nah... Tuesdays are my bad days."

Then I fell down the stairs.

Yep, it's true. He didn't see. There was no way he could have because I left his room, and then began my decent down the stairs, which is a winding staircase. So based on the point of the staircase I was on when I busted my ***, there was no way he could have seen because I know he was still in the room. However, my unfortunate incident caused an enormous crash, in which there is no doubt that must have heard it. So basically, I left his room, and then two seconds later, there was a loud crash. He was probably thinking, "What the f*** just happened to her?" Once I recovered, I booked out of there as fast as hell, before he could come down and be like, "Um, are you okay?"

LOL!!! I have to wonder how I haven't fallen down the stairs yet leaving my own therapist's office. I grip the heck out of the handrail.

I am so glad to hear that things went so well for you!!! I think you have a totally awesome therapist. It sounds like a fantastic session! So go twice a week! What the hell! I would if I could. But I'm already doing group and individual, and there's no way I can afford more therapy than that. Besides, if you go twice a week for a while you might work through enough stuff that it's easier to go only once a week. (Who am I kidding? I'd always want to go more too.)

I feel weird if I talk about sex in therapy too (though it's a little easier for me than you). Sounds really productive though, and I bet he'll have some helpful stuff to say on those lines (and it'll probably become easier to talk about it). And it's great that you're going to talk about the SI stuff. Definitely gotta ditch those tendencies....

What an awesome session! I am happy for you!!!

Sidony

I'm sorry for laughing, but that's a priceless end. I hope you're not more than bruised!

That sounds like an amazing session and your T sounds great. I'm glad you got the twice a week issue cleared up.

LOL That was a teriffic post and it sounds like a great session. I hope you are not too hurt (physically)! I have found in therapy that when I have somethnig difficult to discuss,(like your SI) I also tend to blurt it out toward the end of the session. Or even on a phone call in between. Then i don't bring it up again because i'm stil afraid to, and I assume that my T knows so i don't have to mention it again because I mentioned it once. I have figured out that this is not necessarily the case and that I need to bring things up again if I need to talk about them. It's so hard....You were very gutsy and it sounds like you are making great progress.

Wow, I love the session you had!! He is an awesome therapist. See, this is what I mean about making you feel okay about every emotion you are feeling and expressing. That is awesome that you started with the SI first, you mentioned before usually you end with that if it has happened. I'm very proud of you!!!!

I love that he told you 'it's okay and I'll still be here'...that is very profound. I also love that he brought up the sessions 2x per week and then said if difficulties arise, he would work around it.

I don't think your session could've gone more perfectly!! Oh except for the fall down the stairs...<giggle> well, I worry about that leaving my T's office because the steps are outside and his window where he is with his next person is right there too. So, imagine if I fell down those stairs...eeeek!

pinksoil, that sounds like an awesome session! Congrats. You were very courageous to talk about all these difficult issues--the SI, your anger towards T, your physical interaction with your husband. You were also so brave to read from your journal.

I think it is a great sign for your marriage that you have allowed yourself to attach to your husband, in contrast to earlier relationships. That is really a strong foundation for a marriage.

I hope you are not too bruised from the fall down the steps. Please be more careful next time. I wonder what your T thought?

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I think two sessions per week will be really beneficial for you. And if coming twice per week is difficult once you start your internship, we will work around that.

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Ahhhh, your T is so great. Just what you wanted to hear. Maybe we just need to write little scripts out for them and hand them the paper. Then they read it, and we feel great.

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

My legs hurt a bit today, nothing a little Advil couldn't fix. I am just thankful T didn't see it happen. I'll probably tell him on Tuesday that I fell, only because it really was hilarious, and I know he'll find it entertaining.

Here is what I have learned about myself today: I have absolutely no ability, whatsoever, to resonate my feelings from a good session, to outside of the session. None. Zero.

My session with T was wonderful yesterday. But that's just what it was-- yesterday. Today I am left with feelings of depression, agitation, and most of all, disconnection. Why am I only able to resonate when I'm with him? I am completely disengaged today, and all I can think about is going back on Tuesday. It's like everything that happened in yesterday's session has disappeared, T has disappeared. In my mind, there is T and there is no T. Where's the middle? The part where I am able to integrate T and no T? To understand that he still exists, and that although I may not be able to see him at this very moment, that there are things I can take away from our sessions together to find comfort and safety. This does not exist. I am not able to think of a good session and embrace feelings of warmth, safety, etc. I tried to channel the feelings of the session and all I could come up with was that maybe one of these days he's going to tell me he's moving away or something.

I hate myself for this.

Wow! That sounds like a great session. You were very brave to really take the risk of sharing about SI. I tend to pop up with important stuff at the end sometimes. Although, I also do the opposite and deliberately start with the most important and work down to less important at times too.
As for being able to keep the experience of T with you, I have trouble with that too. That ability will grow as time goes on. It may take a while but it will get there. Hang in there.

((((((((pinksoil)))))))))

I think you were very courageous to be able to read your journal to him - especially if it was anger directed at him. Wow. I could never do that. Good job.

Glad you had such a productive session, and I hope the next one goes well.

edit: well, I just saw your other response here about today. Not sure what to say to make you feel better, except I do that as well. It sucks, but eventually the good feelings and whatnot we get from a good session will stick with us outside the session. Just takes a whole bunch of time. Take care of you.

Whoa! A great session indeed! Pinksoil, I am so happy for you! And that he mentioned two sessions would be beneficial ---- how much better can it get!
I hear you on not being able to internalize the experience of being with your t, your inability to take the experience with you. However, I think seeing your t twice a week should take care of that. When I began seeing a new t some time ago, I told her I need to see her twice a week at least until I can internalize her, and then I could reduce to once a week...simply because twice a week is too expensive...($150 per session) (P.S. things didn't work out with her, so I'm now with yet another t, but I'm digressing)
Your t seems awesome! Lucky you!

Internalize... that is the word I was looking for, but couldn't think of.

I cannot internalize him, not even for a second.

I can't even internalize my husband. If he's not next to me, then he's gone.

I have compared these two things to my T. I'm going to tell him on Tuesday, how the impact of a wonderful session left me disconnected yet again.

If I saw him 7 days a week, I'd probably still be lost.

Hey pinksoil, I hope you don't think sounds a little weird but...to stay in my T mindset, I have "talks" with my T everyday--sometimes several times a day. In my head I pretend I am in a session and I "tell" her what is going on and what I am feeling. I have been seeing her long enough that I can guess what she might say or ask...so, I have mini T sessions in my head. This helps me continue my therapy throughout the week. I also do this with my pdoc. A little strange, but it seems to work for me.

HI Pinksoil. I resonate with your post. I come away from sessions thinking "this time" I will retain the warmth, the memorys. But like yourself its gone in flicker of an eye lid at times.

But you know I just discovered something. I was just sitting out in my garden whist my twin 14yr old daughters are messing about in the water and I sat there just letting them chat to me, letting them be 14 and all the boy chatter and make-up chatter knowing it was important for them, for me to accept them completely in that moment, and that warmth I feel when T does this with me, hit me. Its like I retained her through giving it away. Does that make sense?

((( pinksoil)))) Are you are okay after your fall?!

Boy talk about a moving session! It sounds like a wonderfully affirming session. He literally knocked you off your feet! (sorry)

I love that about the holding and cuddling being satisfying. It's the only part I ever wanted. The rest seemed like knee-jerk physical reaction to me. I was always kinda hoping they'd just fall asleep.. lol.

Gosh I'm so glad he convinced you to read your angry journal entry to him!! You were really really brave to be able to do it, pinksoil! What a risk (in your mind) and what a rewarding outcome! I"m so happy for you!

I read once a long time ago about a term used for when a big issue is brought up at the end of the session. Something like 'the doorknob syndrome' .. an exaggeration of the client with a hand on the doorknob on the way out, and saying something very important at the same time. I guess if there's a name for it, it must not be uncommon, huh? I know I have done it.

I'm so glad you let us know how it went. I'm so glad you were able to get to your anger and talk about it and have it relieved!

ECHOES

mouse that makes a lot of sense to emmulate your T and to feel connected when doing that. It sounds like it was a very special and satisfying time with your daughters. What a great mom you are, being there fully for them.

it is so hard to retain what is felt in session. i can't tell if it is a common occurrence or a symptom. lol. i know that i can lose the good feeling if I start to worry about the separation.

it seems odd that when moodiness is one of the symptoms that interferes in life, therapy seems to be adding to that, being another cause that affects mood.

ECHOES

Pink, it is hard to internalize our T's after we leave. Even when I feel a session is good, like it was this week. We really talked about my job and how I'm moving on and briefly that things are good with my husband. I still feel like he's gone and not coming back.

Maybe you're on to something about you would still feel this way if you saw him 7 days/week.

Echoes, yes therapy does add to moodiness, your so right.

Wondering whether there's a subconscious reason for not internalizing the good experience....perhaps it might be useful to talk about it to your t....maybe it feels too good...fear of being hurt...just putting it out there....then again, it may just be you need more consistency, and twice weekly might be just the thing....

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pinksoil said:
Internalize... that is the word I was looking for, but couldn't think of.

I cannot internalize him, not even for a second.

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It's interesting to hear a number of people say this is difficult. And interesting too, pinksoil, that it is not just a problem with your T but with others, such as your husband. It made me wonder if the difficulty internalizing a person is a general feature of one's personality, or if it is specific to T's? You know, like a phase many people go through in therapy? From what you wrote, pinksoil, it sounds like you do this with more than one person, so it is not just a therapy thing. How about for other people here?

I remember in the early phase of my therapy with T, I did have some trouble internalizing him. I had trouble remembering what he looked like from one session to the next, and was always reassured at that moment before each session when he would pop his head out the door into the waiting room and tell me he'd be with me in just a minute. It was such a relief to see him again and remember what he looked like. And I would replay his phone messages over and over again to remember his voice. I also googled his name on the Internet and found a number of photos of him, and I found it really helpful to look at these occasionally (understatement!) to remember what he looked like and to feel close to him. (Sheeesh, I hope that doesn't sound too stalkerish!) Now, in a later stage of therapy, I am able to remember his appearance and voice much better. I think I have "internalized" him. Every night when I go to bed, right after I turn out the light, I think of him and the feeling of warmth when I am with him in session. It is very reassuring and soothing and helps me fall asleep. I look forward to this moment each night. I guess maybe it sounds obsessive, but it feels very healing to me.

I remember what he looks like. That's not too much of a problem, as I'm a very visual person. But I can't internalize the positive feelings that I have when I'm with him to transfer out of therapy. I mean, I can't even lay on the couch because he'll be behind me. I need to see him right in front of me, to know that he's there. Sometimes I feel like there is too much space between us; I would probably sit in his freaking lap if I could. Maybe then I could cry. If we could close up the space.

too
f***ing
attached

I do the same thing you do Sunny. Photos on the net. Played a saved message today that he left me last week. Called his # and listened to his voicemail.

I can't wait until Tuesday.

pinksoil, interestingly, as I have become more secure in my attachment to T and better able to internalize him, I don't have to look at his photos or replay his messages like I used to. That intense need has faded. Now I am happy to just feel the warmth of his presence and memory as I fall asleep, or sometimes hear him in my head as I confront each day's challenges. It's very cool. I hope you will become more and more secure as time passes. Even though my attachment feels "different" than the more urgent mode of earlier in therapy, I don't feel "less" attached than then. Just different. Does your T have any ideas for helping you internalize him? (or would he want this?)

Hang in there until Tuesday. ((((hugs))))