Friday's session looming: Mostly horrified

Day after tomorrow is The Session. The session after I handed him 16 pages of poetry. I sort of want to crawl under a very small space and die for a little while, knowing that by now, he has probably read everything.

Why am I horrified? Well let's visit some of the subject matter covered in my poems:

- a reference to him %#@&#! his wife; this came after a particularly transference-charged session in which I told him I hated his wedding ring. Oh, I'm sorry... I say reference? No, it's a line that blatantly states, "You are probably %#@&#! your wife."
- more about hating the ring.
- a dream I had in which I attack his wife; fortunately, the fact that it is his wife I am referring to, is not apparent in the poem.
- references to how I idealize him
- many references to my more 'promiscous' days, all of them fairly raw. No censorship there.
- an entire poem entitled "instructions on how not to cry in front of your analyst." Hmmm... maybe he won't figure out what this one is about.
- poems describing and interpreting dreams

And this only highlights some of it. I'm sure the 1st one on the list should go over real well. He told I could say anything. I am only following the instructions properly, lol.

Part of me is eager because I obviously wanted this step to take place. However, I am also impulsive and do things in excess without thinking it over beforehand.

I am very nervous. I sort of want to walk in, sit down, and say, "Ok, now you know... and I already know... So don't talk about it."

It could be argued that unconsciously I was ready to give this all up to him. However, it can also be argued that I am so impulsive, that my unconscious has not caught up to my impulsivity. Hence, I do things without being ready for them. Maybe I'm not ready for any of this. Or maybe I need that push because I'm so resistant, I'm not going anywhere. Like last session-- he pushed a bit.. wanted me to free associate about something... I was resisting... he was pushing a bit... he said, "Come on... just take a chance..." I like that he said that. It helped. I free associated. Then I handed him all that %#@&#!. Take a chance? I really took that suggestion seriously.

The sessions are intense now, they have been charged with transference stuff. Talking about other stuff has basically ceased. Meaning, in the first year of therapy, I talked about outside stuff-- my anxiety, depression, relationship with my mother, etc., etc. Now the sessions focus on the relationship between him and I... the here-and-now... stuff like that.

He encourages it more and more because I still resist so much. But I know what it is now... I'm scared. I'm nervous as hell that I just gave him all of that and he's going to get scared and turn away. Last session I was analyzing something to death because he didn't seem satisfied with the given explanation. I said to him, "This is going so deep, isn't ever enough?" And he said, "It's never enough."

I am still terrified that it will reach this level in which it is too much and he will have to get the hell out of there. Projection? Yes, a bit. Fear of abandonment? Most definitely.

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pinksoil said:

I am very nervous. I sort of want to walk in, sit down, and say, "Ok, now you know... and I already know... So don't talk about it."

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if the two of you didn't talk about it, would you feel dissapointed in a way?

Pinksoil,

You will know what you are ready to discuss when you sit down, won't you? And, if he is like my T, he will not bring the poetry up first, so why not just wait him out? (LOL)

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I said to him, "This is going so deep, isn't ever enough?" And he said, "It's never enough."

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This would make me very nervous too. You are a brave soul, PInk.

Well, he's had time to read and analyze and think about your poems, where they came from, what they mean. He had time to decide how to approach talking about it, knowing you and knowing how OMG! you must be feeling about him reading your deepest thoughts.

He is probably in awe of your courage to let him read it.

I can imagine you are nervous. But not so nervous you'd want to skip right over what I imagine will be a stimulating, interesting, intimate discussion. I can imagine this taking several sessions, maybe one poem per session or one theme per session... I think once you get going it's going to be enlightening and exciting!

I really like how he said "Come on... just take a chance..." to you, and that you could respond.

And I love that he said "It's never enough" about going deeper and deeper into things. That would be reassuring to me, that there is always more there, always more to talk about.

I have to tell you, if it were me, I know I'd be having all kinds of thoughts about what he could say... ("Well, now, this explains EVERYTHING!"). I'd be preparing my defenses and would probably be near hyper-ventilation as I walked into the room!!

I understand your worries but I think you have a really solid T who can take anything, and he likes you and is genuinely interested in you. But at a time when you've revealed a heap of intimate thoughts, you need to feel he's there more than ever, so I think that's stimulating your abandonment fear. What do you think?

I don't envy you, walking in to this next session feeling uncertain and afraid. I hope you embrace your eagerness and excitement too!

I'm betting on an understanding T.

Issues with the T's spouse often come up. It's difficult to accept the T's role in our life, where it really is, and how to create that spot for T (which isn't like anyone else's at all.) Don't worry, you aren't the first patient to need to discuss this, and you won't be the last. Go for it!

I think turning in the poetry was a wonderful effort on your part to help your healing process. I hope T is able to understand such writings and glean from them more ways to help you.

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_Sky said:

Issues with the T's spouse often come up. It's difficult to accept the T's role in our life, where it really is, and how to create that spot for T (which isn't like anyone else's at all.) Don't worry, you aren't the first patient to need to discuss this, and you won't be the last.

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Really? This makes me feel a little better.

Thanks to everyone who responded. My depression, which has been fluctuating, has hit a very bad spot today. I slept til 9:30 this morning, woke up to drink coffee and take a shower, went back to sleep, then went out to get something to eat with my husband, had a fight with him, came home, slept again, and now obviously I'm awake, and the two of us aren't even talking. I feel like I need my T so much right now.

(Actually my husband just hugged me so that helped a bit)

Today I feel like my depression is independent from everything. Indepedent from meds, because since I was 17, over the course of 9 years and around 16 meds, it has never responded. Independent from my husband because he's dealt with it for 6 years, and he's tired. I don't believe he has ever fully understood it. Independent from T because although I gaining so much from our sessions.. so much self-awareness... so much... my mood remains the same... I am tired of waking up and feeling like I won't be able to make it through the day. Or the next day. I push myself very hard to accomplish things, but I want to enjoy them. My unconscious keeps feeding me suicidal ideation... meaning that I am 100 percent confident that I would not do anything, but aside from that, I cannot control often thinking about it. I am sad because I am only 26 years old, and for the last 9 years, I have been more depressed that not, more often in turmoil than not, more often self-injuring than not, more often angry than not, much more often anxious than not, and most of all.... empty almost all of the time. There are ways in which I have come so far. My panic attacks used to be so bad that I was unable to leave the house. I fought that and won. But there are many things... particularly the depression... that keep beating the crap out of me over and over again.

I didn't call T this time about how I'm feeling. I don't care how many times he has told me to call. I can't this time. I feel like what I'm feeling is independent from T, removed from anything except me. I don't know what calling him up is going to do. It's not going to take it away.

((((((((((pinksoil))))))))))))))

You did a good job. It is hard to do anything like that at all... I did that for my first therapist way back when (it was poems and journal entries actually) and I was terrified about what she'd say. It turned out alright in the end.

I hope your appointment goes okay.

Try not to be horrified Pink. You are at a point in therapy where you trust T so much that you let him read your private writings.
He knows this and I'm sure he is not uncomfortable or scared at all about anything you wrote.

He wants you to go this deep. I understand your fears though. I'd have the same fears but remember that you have a solid working relationship with T.

I'll be checking back to see how this went on Friday. I think you are doing so great. Your close to some huge understanding/healing I can feel it

Ps: I understand what you mean about depression being separate. I feel that way a lot too.

Pinksoil, I would try to treat my poems like I do my dreams? I took one of the British romance poets, a famous poem and rewrote it about my T and me, line-for-line and put the two opposite each other (and the poem I copied was a love poem :-) on the page so one coule "compare" them :-)

You gotta get that sort of stuff/feelings out don't you? So, it's out there now :-) I bet you all won't get into down and dirty specifics but only talk about themes and ". . . the things I said about your wife. . ." sorts of generalities?

We'll be with you :-) What time is your session?

I hope your session goes well today. I'm sure sorry about all the feelings of emptiness. FWIW, I feel very similar right now so at least you have company. But this thread is about you not me! I think you were crazy brave to give your poetry to your therapist. I think you're going to reach some amazing levels of intimacy and probably have some crazy good sessions. I bet it'll be scary but addictive. Good luck today!

Sidony

Just spoke with T on the phone.

He said he is looking forward to talking to me tomorrow.

I told him I was scared that he would go away.

He said he's not going anywhere.

He's nuts.

I wish I could just lose it in session. Not lose my mind, but just cry. A lot. In the two years we have been together, I have only let one single tear escape. I cry by myself. I stopped crying in front of my husband because I don't want to be disappointed by his response. I don't cry in front of friends. My family is in NY. Once in awhile I have cried over the phone, but I want to cry in the presence of someone.... but I don't. Because he can't hold me. I don't know what it would be like, to be comforted within all that space. T has the ability to allow me to feel very taken care of. Even over the phone. So I guess it would feel okay. Or maybe it would be horrible. I don't know if I could allow myself to let go like that. There's just so much %#@&amp;#! built up inside at this point; how do I let it out in session?

Hi Pink,

See he is not going anywhere How do you feel now? A little better?

i havent been able to cry in sessions either.. Its hard. I feel bad b/c my T can tell that im holding back tears. I am just so guarded. Its hard to make the guard go away.