Update-- Friday's Session

(Trigger icon for mention of suicidal ideation/self-harm)

I was depressed as hell and couldn't find the energy to talk. I spend a large portion of the session in silence. He would ask me a question and I couldn't even conjure up the mental energy to answer.

We began to talk a bit about my SI and suicidal ideation. He knows that on three separate occasions last week, I made cuts on my wrist (not deep). Then he said, "I'm trying very hard not to get mad right now." I asked him why. He said, "I am not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I'm mad that this is not enough to make you stop what you're doing. And I guess I'm mad at myself for not being able to make you somehow hold onto this connection outside of session." He asked me if he is allowed to get mad. I told him yes, very much so. Then I asked him why he said he is trying not to get mad-- why not just get mad? And he said, "Because if I really did get mad, I don't think that would benefit you or me therapeutically."

Then he said something that really dit it. He goes, "Remember, I can hold opposite feelings at the same time. Even though I am mad, I can still care about you very, very much."

I didn't even know what to do with that. It was overwhelming, and I told him, "Don't say that." One one hand it was amazing.. on the other hand.. it hurt. He asked why. I couldn't even tell him. I couldn't tell him how much him saying that made me want to be held by him, kept safe forever. I gave some fragmented version. Told him that when he says that I want to reach out, that there's too much space, that the feeling goes away when I'm not there. There's so much more, but I wasn't ready to say it.

He talked about being really concerned over the suicidal ideation, and frankly, I am very concerned as well. I have never experienced anything to this degree before. Then he mentioned the hospital. And that's when I started to cry.

It was the end of the session. He told me not to go. He sat forward in his chair tried to help me get to a safe place in my mind. I couldn't do it. Every safe scenario that I tried to imagine was being overrun by anxiety-ridden images.

He stayed there in that place with me, so present in the here-and-now.

I calmed down a bit and he told me that when I go home I need to play with my birds and create a safe place being with them... then write down all the feelings that went along with it and bring it in on Tuesday.

The sad part is that when I went home and went to play with the birds, I couldn't get to that safe place at all. I was at a loss as to what to do with myself. I ended up just laying in bed. This morning I played with them for a long time. It was nice. My husband was sitting there too. Maybe last night it was just too forced or all the emotion stirred up from therapy was too fresh.

One of my best friends from NY is leaving to go teach in Korea for one year. She called me last night and left a msg. that she wanted to come see me this weekend because she knows she's leaving pretty soon. I didn't even call her back because I don't feel up to having a visitor. You know what I hate? That my moods make my decisions for me-- I don't. I'm sure I will eventually regret that I didn't call her back and tell her to come visit.

This has been such a rough couple of weeks. It continues to be. I don't know what else to say. T mentioned meds. Very uncharacteristic of him to bring it up, but he knows that something else is going to have to happen because I can't go on like this.

Do whatever it takes to get you through your dark period whether it be meds or a hospital. None of the rest of it matters -- the therapeutic relationship, the technique, whatever, if you're not here. Sometimes waiting for the next therapy appt. is just not enough because you're just sinking in between and when that next appointment isn't the life-saver you hoped it would be, you sink a little further and your therapist is even more powerless to help.

I hope I'm not being too blunt, but when I've been in that black hole, I've sometimes needed to hear things directly.

Hey Pinksoil

I am sending you love and hugs. It is so beautiful that T stayed with you in that moment. Hold onto the feeling you had at that time. And when you lose the feeling like I know you do, just re-read your post!

It's also precious that you could take joy in playing with your birds the next morning. Sometimes taking just the present to observe and feel the wonder in our pets is so healing. I do it with my dog, Suzy, when I can, without letting my mind wander elsewhere.

You are working so hard at healing and I just know you will choose whichever avenue is best for you. Maybe the hospital isn't such a bad idea because you can be safe while you try out the different meds. You have had a hard time with finding the right combination, that it doesn't seem quite fair. Your body is so sensitive and a protected environment might be a better venue while you try to become accustomed to them...anyway, we are all here for you whenever you need.

It is scary to have thoughts like that. I know for me that when I'm there, it seems like it is always that bad, but when I'm not that bad, it's hard to imagine what that is like or that I could really feel that bad. I'm sorry that you are going through it now. I know it can be a shock when T mentions meds too, when that isn't characteristic. Somehow I found a thrill in that too though. Especially in the realization that someone cares. I relate to sabotaging the things you really want to do (or know that you would want to do or would regret not doing) too. Why do we do that, anyway? Would you be willing to give it a shot and call your friend?

I'm wondering how you manage practicum when you feel like you are feeling. Are you able to set it aside when you are working with others? I can just see myself in the same boat soon. I hope not, but it could happen. I wonder if the stress of your practicum and work could be contributing to what you are feeling now. Do you need to take a break from it?

Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if it means meds and/or hospital. You need to heal yourself so that you can help others to heal.

Rap

For the most part, when I am working with my patients I am able to separate myself. It becomes all about them; not me. It is more difficult in the mood disorders unit to achieve this separation because it's so close to home. But when I'm working with patients who have psychotic disorders, it's a totally different story. Sometimes I have groups as large as 12-15 so there's no chance to think about myself, as I have to be all over the place at the same time. Last week scared me though because I know I wasn't completely present. I know some of my stuff was seeping in and I didn't like that. I do know that there is no way that I would need a break from it. It is part of what keeps me going. I am also at a loss because I'm on break from school right now and I'm not used to that. It keeps me grounded.

I dread trying medication yet again. I dread the side effects interfering with my functioning more than the depression.

pinksoil,

You're learning how to do this, be there for your clients while you have your own stuff going on. You will always have your own stuff going on in some form or another.

I think what's especially important is that you recognized that your own stuff was getting in there. Awareness is so important! Congratulate yourself on the awareness and take it from there. You're doing great.

Pink what about the Mayo Clinic? I have two friends going there because med after med after med doesn't work.

I am so happy that your T holds the connection with you steady. You will get through this even if it seems like you won't.

This is the past and depression trying to pull you down. Fight it and climb back up.

I know what you mean about not responding to friends. I go through that too. It's okay you are taking care of you right now.

Hugs

pink, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. ((((hugs)))) It made me happy to read that you enjoyed playing with your birds. Keep doing the little things that can help you feel better, only if they help only an iota. Every little bit counts.

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pinksoil wrote:
I dread trying medication yet again. I dread the side effects interfering with my functioning more than the depression.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I hear ya, as I am not a big proponent of meds either. But you have tried psychotherapy and it seems not enough for you right now, even with your very skilled and empathetic T. It sounds like right now, you have less need than usual to function at a high level since you are not in school. Could this be the time to try new meds? I know you are still working with patients, but maybe, even though you find that helpful, you could take a break from that too to coincide with your school break. Then, with even less need to function at a high level, you could try some new meds and give them a chance to get established and help. I feel you will probably reject that idea, but sometimes it can be helpful to get stuff off of our plate so we can really focus on our own well-being. I'm worried about you.

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almeda24fan wrote:
Pink what about the Mayo Clinic? I have two friends going there because med after med after med doesn't work.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
almedafan, I'm curious about that. What does the Mayo Clinic do? Do they provide special psychotherapy? Or some other approach to depression? Experimental new meds?

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sunrise said:
pink, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. ((((hugs)))) It made me happy to read that you enjoyed playing with your birds. Keep doing the little things that can help you feel better, only if they help only an iota. Every little bit counts.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil wrote:
I dread trying medication yet again. I dread the side effects interfering with my functioning more than the depression.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I hear ya, as I am not a big proponent of meds either. But you have tried psychotherapy and it seems not enough for you right now, even with your very skilled and empathetic T. It sounds like right now, you have less need than usual to function at a high level since you are not in school. Could this be the time to try new meds? I know you are still working with patients, but maybe, even though you find that helpful, you could take a break from that too to coincide with your school break. Then, with even less need to function at a high level, you could try some new meds and give them a chance to get established and help. I feel you will probably reject that idea, but sometimes it can be helpful to get stuff off of our plate so we can really focus on our own well-being. I'm worried about you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you so much for your caring words. Unfortunately, I cannot take a break from my internship because in order to graduate, I need 700 hours. If I took a break that could seriously infringe on the amount of hours, and cause me not to fulfill the requirements. I really believe my internship is what keeps me going. Of course it does impede my ability to want to try meds becasue I don't want them to interfere with my functioning. With the mental stuff, somehow I can still function at my internship. With bad side effects, I can't. Same goes for my regular job. School starts up again in two weeks anyway. I actually can't wait. Seems the more I have on my plate, the better I do. Strange. As for right now, I really don't know what I'm gonna do. I have therapy tomorrow.. I think T and I are going to disuss some more serious target stuff to help me because my symptoms and behaviors are not lessening.

That just sounds so familiar. I feel better off when I stay busy too, and going back to school actually did get me through some really rough times. It works, but you have to be careful that you aren't using all the stuff that you are doing in order to avoid dealing with yourself and your real life. That's the trap I fall into, anyway.