weaning myself off emailing T???

This may seem dramatic. I'm so up and down about feelings for T. I love him then I find myself calling him an ***** under my breath. No matter the feelings, I'm super attached, and if I could live in a room with a laptop and spend all day emailing him I might do it. My emailing him has become excessive lately, though he insists its not as much as some clients he has had. Nonetheless, *I* am uncomfortable with it, especially because I got a bit nasty with my tone in a few. It's not like me. But also, I nitpick and de-code every last word and punctuation mark or LACK of punctuation mark and make myself crazy. Which is why I need to stop the emailing. So we decided to try, for this week, no contact. It's a short week (5 days) and I'm on day 2 and going out of my skin. I hate hate hate feeling this needy. Make it stop!!! Is this all just me acting out 40 years too late, the anger and frustration I felt when my father left? The human brain is so weird.

Has anyone had success weaning themselves off email contact while maintaining a good therapeutic relationship?

I don't have experience in this, but I do have a few thoughts. I have done nothing more than give my psychiatrist a piece of artwork. It never occured to me when I did so it might be construed as anything. And, I gave it to him after he said he liked a photo of it.

You are self-aware that a problem exists. Yay for the first and hardest step! I think as with any goal you need to start small. Goals need to be achievable, measurable, and realistic. Thus, don't bite off more than you can chew - do this in small increments. Advise him you are doing this too. I meantioned measurable. Ask yourself what you want each week and what will success look like. Don't forget to celebrate your success when you achieve each step - maybe a new book or something you like yet don't allow yourself often (with in reason of course). It might be good to list of the positive reasons for cutting back. Strike these off the list as they happen.

This is good news.

Thanks for your response! You're right, it IS good news, and I should view it as such. I just hope I can stick with it and keep my sanity. I like the idea of rewarding myself with a book. Gonna do this! Thanks!!!

During some of the times I cut back on emailing, I poured the energy into making a collage or a card to bring to t. It helped me to think about t and express feelings without bothering t between sessions. Don't know if that's something that might help.

Thank you so much, another great idea...
what sort of things did you put on the collage?

I like cutting out pictures and words from magazines, arranging them and gluing them on a card. The last one I made this summer was from an advertising catologue from Pier1 Imports. I have also made mosaic pictures from small colored things. I hope it helps you.

I understand how you feel! I've emailed my T for 6 years but she has suggested I don't do it anymore. What helps is that she hasn't forbidden it, so if I slip up, it's okay.

This time (she tried once in the past but it didn't work) I am motivated because I realize she's right. I've been kind of stuck in my belief that my T is THE answer to everything, but that's changing. Not emailing is going to enable me to depend on myself, not my T. Maybe it will help if you look at it that way too. I'm not depriving myself; I'm freeing myself!

But it's difficult! I know! I feel more distant from my T because I'm not emailing but our relationship is surviving. I think it's going to be even better because she knows how I'm working to change and grow.

I told myself that emailing my T is a last resort. It's not on my agenda now. I'm posting more here instead. Good luck with your decision.

Not sure weaning works. It would be better to just carry on doing the work in therapy and watching as the needs toy have change automatically. Stopping doing something, is just that. It's not an answer.

Ex-T had me wait 24 hrs before sending an email. I had to sleep on it and then summarize it before I sent it. Current T, I set my own boundaries. I don't go into too much detail in my emails. And I only email if I really need to.

For example: these past 2 weeks w/o her, she wanted me to go w/o looking at her photo. I used her photo to comfort me when we missed a session, but sometimes I'd obsessively look her up. Well, I lasted 8 days...crying, anxious, thinking about her non-stop, desperation. I gave up and emailed her saying I couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore. (She said okay). My point is I did my best to hold onto feelings for as long as I could. I still emailed in the end, but I didn't feel guilty about it.

Thanks Rainbow... I will try to look at it this way. I've only been with T for about 9 months so I'm surprised I'm so attached so quickly. It's hard to imagine relying on myself for comfort, at least healthy kinds of comfort.

I am not sure. It was my idea to stop, not his. He actually assured me that he's had clients who got out of control with emailing, and he had to ask them to stop. He says I'm nowhere near emailing him that much. I think my discomfort comes from reading too much into his emails, response time, etc. I make myself crazy by over analyzing. Then I reach out again and again in desperation. My big fear is that I will drive him away.

Maybe I will try the 24 hour thing. We'll see.
Gosh I'd be upset not being able to look at T's pic. I obsessively look T up too, to look at him and to see if he has changed his site (he never has).

What about the possibility that the compulsion to email is a direct result of what your therapist is doing or not doing, and therefore he has equivalent responsibility for it? I don't mean that he deliberately set out to create the situation, but that the role he is playing and the constraints of therapy have brought this out as an inevitability. Why does the client have to be the one to take responsibility and to bear the burden of coping and finding a solution?

I can relate to this. It all ends up being grist for the mill. Like telling him about your fear of driving him away and looking more closely at where that comes from. Almost sure it wouldn't have originated in this present situation. Talking about it might uncover stuff that will be helpful for you. I just used that sentence as an example. Mouse has a point too about not stopoing while you need it so.

I kind of agree with Budfox. I have been emailing my T less. First I started because it didn't want to bother her but after finding that hard and talking to her she said I can still email if I want to. She never me tioned not emailing or lessening them before I started to send less, I just did it to see what would happen. To see if I could manage without. She has always remained consistent about it. She replies within 24 hours normally and always replies to my text as soon as she sees it to acknowledge that I have sent an email and to tell me when she will likely get round to it. This consistency and availability has now naturally led to my being far less anxious about it and as such a less need to do it.

Had she been unavailable, unwilling to reply or inconsistent I think it would have driven me nuts and I would have struggled not emailing because I would still be wanting something I couldn't get, if that makes sense.

ETA, sorry OP, this is almost completely irrelevant to your post because I see you make no mention of your T being unavailable or inconsistent. Sorry, I think I got confused but I want to leave my post here because if these things were present then I do agree that it isn't always the clients fault they are struggling, the T has to play some part in it.

Anyway, I hope you can find a way to make this work for you, if it is what you want, which by the sound of it it is.

I'm not sure he wanted me to stop emailing. I did it because I was making myself crazy, and we talked about trying it for a week to see if it brought me relief or not. It hasn't, and I already messed up by emailing him this evening. I feel I have zero self control. He will likely not email me back, to see if I can try to go the rest of the week. I think he just wanted to help me be more comfortable, because I thought no contact might bring relief. But I'm even more of a head case now

Yeah we both know it comes from having a father who abandoned me as a toddler, moved across the country and has had no interest in a relationship with me. I am hungry for a dad. And I'm in my mid forties... it's laughable.

Well my T isn't always reliable with responses. Sometimes right away, sometimes 4-5 days later. Sometimes not at all (rarely). That part does feel hard for me. I just want to be able to reach out and ask "do you still like me?" Lol. And have him say "yes, of course I still like you". Except I usually email him about other less direct subject matter because the thought of him not replying to that question rips me to shreds :/

I don't worry about my T liking me. But I sometimes want to know if she cares or simply that everything is okay. So I ask her for reassurance. Sometimes I'll even directly ask her the question: "Do you care?" Or "Is everything okay?". She is more than happy to send a quick reply reassuring me and it helps getting exactly what I need from her.

Sorry, I Know It's Difficult the attachment, I don't have the email or text options, I hardly ever call her, I was attached to t2, and that hurt, when she left. I hope weaning gets better for you.

I hear you, I was in a similar place with emailing. I don't know what the answer is. Sorry you are struggling with this.

I think therapists ought to take a large share of the responsibility for kicking off this pattern. They say -- expose your most basic needs and fears, ok time's up, bottle all that up for a week. It's torture and I have to wonder when does the resulting dysregulation become traumatic or debilitating. And then if they treat is a problem and demand that it stop, or worse turn it into a teaching moment, man that is just wrong.

How about trying online therapy between your t sessions.. this has really worked for me. I don't do it all the time, but when I'm really struggling, I have a few I can pay and go to pretty reasonably and you can email them 24/7.. they won't write 24/7 but.. you may at least get an almost daily response with some.. and they never mind if you just ramble whatever is going on and then they catch up and write you back!! Maybe that would help in weaning off from emailing T?