therapist just terminated with me

I see a terribly hurt and confused person reaching out here just trying to be heard and supported. ML is venting and trying to make sense of the brutal hand she has recently been dealt. I don't see ML asking for advice or feedback on what she did that we perceive as being wrong. I know intentions are good but some of the posts here are more than likely doing nothing more than pouring salt into a deep, fresh cut wound.

To point out what ML might have done wrong, what she needs to do, or what she should be feeling, is a method for filling your own needs. That doesn't sound like good support to me.

I agree that the OP is not in any way responsible for the way this termination was handled. And I also agree that I don't think that when one is the throes of anger, resentment, emotional pain and anguish any attempt to correct this "termination fiasco" would be satisfactory. Pain from abandonment and betrayal is exactly that P A I N. Things could be improved a bit in this situation if the offending T offered a much better explanation and took responsibility for what happened. An apology goes a long way in healing, but apparently, he isn't self-aware enough to recognize how poorly he handled this situation, and the longer he denies his poor approach to the situation, the more anger and resentment he's going to create for the OP (in my opinion only). Sadly, this is where therapists fail miserably. They just don't get how some clients are severely effected by this kind of abandonment behavior, and when it happens, they seem to think it's the client's problem due to their mental illness and it's just fine to walk away without addressing their part of the problem!

Solution? Not sure, but it sure isn't a letter saying, it is what is, have a good life. In my opinion, Ts need to be much better trained and up front when meeting with new clients that therapy is NOT a friendship or relationship that leads to a prolonged lifelong closeness or support. Instead, they seem to work extra hard initially to get the client to "attach" to them and then when it happens and they get overwhelmed, some poorly trained ones, run for the hills. Fostering solid boundaries is a hard balance to create because the "nature" of the therapeutic relationship (it's all about you and you can talk about anything and I'll listen attentively without burdening you with my junk) is seductively sweet--many humans crave this attention so much that they forget that it isn't REAL. It's a work-for-hire relationship. It is close and intimate but it isn't a two way REAL relationship. It's fake in the sense that no one can survive in real life in this kind of relationship 24/7. Why? Because everyone in a real relationship needs time to have their own needs met and a therapeutic relationship crashes when the T seeks to have their needs met or when they get overwhelmed (compassion fatigue, which is their fault NEVER the clients).

Personally, I think that Ts need to stop saying stupid, ridiculous and untrue statements like: "I'll always be there for you." or "I'm in this for the duration." or "I'm not planning to go anywhere. We'll work together for as long as it takes." or "I know you have abandonment issues and I won't abandon you." or any other ridiculous statement along those lines. They are offensive and lead to some clients believing in them. Some people can hear those types of statements and not be sucked in by them, most can't and when things go south, there is hurt feelings and in some cases, severe re-traumatization of the client. T also need to learn how to step up and admit when they make mistakes and take responsibility . . . but in today's world, that rarely happens in any job. Sorry for the long rant but this is an issue that really bugs me.

Well said!!! Thank you for such a detailed and awesome comment. It caused me to look at my own therapy. While I'm not going through what the OP is ( and I wish her all the best) I see some similarities in my own therapy. I don't trust easily and for the last (almost) 4 years my therapist has openly encouraged me to become dependent upon her, she once told me that I will need to "fall in love with her" ( not romantically). Now here we are about 4 years later and I have allowed myself to depend upon her and funny enough I have felt her pull back in fairly subtle ways... less email, less warmth at times, just to name a few. I still do not trust her completely and I'm glad for that. Sometimes this process feels like a game of cat and mouse.. and I don't like those kind of games. It's very confusing! Anyways.. thank you for your post!!👍👍

Ummm.. she said you need to fall in love with her??? That is insane

I think therapy is tricky exactly because good therapy involved love from both sides, it is a relationship of trust where one is working on growing into trust and openess. the trouble is, often the client will do as asked, open up (eventually) and love and feel tremendous vulnerability, but the therapist can walk out at any time it seems. No matter how damaging it may by to the client.
And it is abusive and damaging
My ex T USED his father's death as an excuse to get something he wanted, = OUT. Out without having to do uncomfortable or exhausting or emotional 'ending sessions' with clients.
He knows he saw his chance and jumped at it. He knows I also know that. But if he presents the 'poor me' story to his colleagues , of course they are going to go with him and his story. He is currently working four days a week at his three day a week contract job. he is hardly curled up under his duvet. He is a pathetic excuse of a man. I saw someone who looked like him today and I am felt revulsion.
That most certainly does not bode well for if we do have to meet up any time soon. I think any plan to try to do an ending would have to be a few months down the line or I might kick him where it hurts if I do see him.
I also suspect that at the rate I am going, I shall never want to see him again ever and have to work out this anguished catastrophic damaging toxic ending on my own. ***** him.
He should really be struck off, not for the therapy he gave me - most of it good - but for the sh*tty ending where he shirked all responsibility and let them treat me like something he stepped in. For that he should rot in hell.
ooops. I am ranting again. I keep trying not to, but it is hard.

I had a T tell me that he was going to retire in 12-18 months. I was devastated. He had told me numerous times that "we" would work thru dependency issues. In my mind, him retiring was not "us" working thru stuff. It was very destablizing. In T's defense, he told me of the decision as soon as it was made and he fully intended to work with me to help me thru termination and he was sad at the distress it caused. Nonetheless, after 6 months of twice weekly sessions on the topic, we agreed that it was retraumatising me a couple of times a week and that it was not likely to change. So we came up with a plan (not much of a plan-basically that I would bring H to last session for safety and to get me home when I dissociated because we knew that would happen). And I quit the next session. And then it took me a good 6 months of working with other ts to get over it. After about a year, I called him and asked him a couple of questions that were still bothering me.

All that to say, even without being abruptly dumped, t retiring was awful. I feel for OP. For me, it was necessary to stay completely out of contact. Not for legal or complaint reasons, just to help me not feel any crazier. And for me, seeing other ts was important. I was too ashamed of my reaction to process it with anyone IRL.

The more you write about your ex-T, ML, the more worried I become. Was he the one that insisted on talking about termination for every session?

I am confused on another post...he has been holding you/kissing you on and off for 4 years? Maybe I read that wrong, and I hope so.

They have had the letter with the proposal for a way forward, for over 9 days now and no response. I thought they had to respond in three days with at least a letter saying they have received it and will do something about it in a certain time frame.

They have had the letter with the proposal for a way forward, for over 9 days now and no response. I thought they had to respond in three days with at least a letter saying they have received it and will do something about it in a certain time frame.