My T is dishonest! Technique and no heart!

I didn't read the whole thread... (To the OP)

Although some therapists are or seem to be mostly technique and little to no heart, I think your therapist isn't one of those...

The obvious takeaway, to me, is that Sarah would like a therapist who isn't cold and mechanical and distant. These people are charging you to have a "relationship" with them, and then if that relationship is characterized by a distinct lack of warmth or genuineness, it's bound to be distressing, possibly harmful.

The handshake is beside the point. It's the way the therapist is making her feel in general. If Sarah is feeling that her therapist is heartless, guess what? She probably is. To assume otherwise would mean making logical leaps in order to cobble together some convoluted theory about projection.

The basic transaction is -- you pay me, I pretend to care. It's easy to forget that. When you are reminded, it sucks.

I work at a centre as a t and am allocated my clients with no choice over them. That doesn't mean I don't like them. Every client is so different that it is a fresh start with each and every one of them. We all have our different boundaries and ways of greeting each other, it's very hard for ts to get the greetings right with each client without some negotiating. I strongly encourage you to talk to your t about how the absence of her handshake evoked such strong feeling of not being cared for, perhaps this goes a lot deeper than amused a handshake perhaps it evoked memories of shame and rejection for you Sarah. It doesn't mean your t doesn't care about you it just means either she forgot or she sensed something from you that indicated not to shake your hand. What do you think, could you be pushing her away?

One thing I've noticed in reading threads on here and with my younger sister is that the client becomes very emotionally dependent on their therapist, and then end up hurt when they realize the feelings aren't mutual. They can't be as the therapist has numerous clients, and it's basically a business relationship--this is their job. That doesn't mean they don't like their clients, but they understand that they need to keep their professional distant so they can provide impartial advice.

These responses seem very invalidating. If Sarah does not feel cared for, perhaps she is not cared for? The human heart knows when it is in the presence of real love, I believe.

It is difficult to find a loving connection with a therapist when one pays, which is why my therapist and I work on a barter system.

Therapy is, at heart, the psychological and emotional manipulation of another human being for the purpose of carrying out highly speculative techniques based on highly speculative theories. And additionally for the purposes of making the therapist a living and perhaps providing them with a feeling of importance or power. It's not surprising to me at all that you'd feel upset by experiencing this. What surprises me is how insistently it is rationalized and how readily it will be thrown back in your face if you express a problem with it.

You're right, it is dishonest. Sure, the client should not expect the therapist to care as much as the client does, and yet mosts therapists give a performance that suggests real caring. It's all very ambiguous. And I think most therapists tread a fine line between this subtle manipulation, and something more like abuse or exploitation.

Thanks. I realise I can´t matter to her as she matters or mattered to me but a handshake or another action should be grounded in some kind of genuine feeling for another human.

I understand your perspective and for me the handshake isn´t that valuable as I feel the way I do, that part of doing such a thing for me is therapy technique. In such a case it´s more or less as bad as if she just continued acting indifferent at the end of our sessions.

Thanks. Yes, you´re right about that I want a T who isn´t cold, mechanical and distant. I don´t apprehend her to be distant or cold all the time but she lacks in how she meets with me on a more human level.

As I really want a stable and good connection with a T I assume I believed too much that the relationship with this T could offer such a connection. I will listen but I won´t fall for her stories about her life, what have happened to her and so on. I will bare in mind that she uses her "stories" to kind of fool me to think we are partly the same, that she has gone through similar problems. She has of course but she has already dealt with them and she has nothing to do with me or my life.

Thanks. Yes, I believe it does evoke feelings of rejection and shame, perhaps not the handshake itself but combined with how she talked about our therapy when we had our follow-up talk.

I acted as I always do, I stand up and wait for her to put away her notebook so we can shake hands so this isn´t about me pushing her away.

You make it sound like the therapist did her a favor by changing her normal behavior in response to Sarah's needs. That's her freaking job. If she can't muster up any warmth, what is the point? Stuck with her... well gee she is getting paid to do that. It's not like some act of charity. Actions, words, empathic face… it all matters. The client is paying to be treated well, and in a way that serves them not the therapist.

Maybe the central issue here is that people need authentic relationships in order to not feel so alone and to feel valued. Therapy promises this and plays around with it, but simply cannot deliver for the most part, and instead gives people a contrived, half-assed approximation that clearly leaves some people in terrible distress. Is that so bloody hard to grasp?

Thanks. I think one have to be open to both perspectives, that part of it is my own experience and my own thoughts and part of it is as you say therapy manipulation and technique.

As I´ve hoped for a connection I haven´t been enough attentive to her techniques, to see through her but instead I´ve seen it as she likes me and not that I´m a working material for her.

My T really puts an effort in taking examples from her own life which I generally like but I will try to remind myself of that she´s talking about issues she have had perhaps 20 years ago or issues she easily solved and that it hasn´t really got anything to do with me.

What behaviors could your therapist do to indicate that they are more there at a human level for you?

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Has your T forgotten the handshake several times or one time? When I read your OP is sounds like this was the first time.

You mentioned that you want a genuine connection--human to human. Part of that is knowing that your T is human, just like you, and because they are they will make mistakes or forget. As humans we don't always realize that for some people it's in the details or that the small things do matter. Is it a faux pas to assume what matters to others? Yes, but it is all in human error. If a T never made small mistakes, had a faux pas, or forgot to do something, that seems more robotic and mechanical to me.

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What style/theory does your therapist use? Sometimes therapist will use their own story in order to make a connection with their client or to demonstrate how to handle a situation, this doesn't always work but for some it is better than the therapist who just sits there and is a blank slate.

Have you told your T that the stories don't help? You may have to assert yourself there if it is not helping.

Thanks. I think a T has to have a natural way of showing she cares, being able to say something nice, not just ask questions that is useful for therapy. I think they should have a natural and warm way of greeting and welcoming a client and also saying goodbye in a nice way, perhaps wishing you a nice weekend and something like that.

Yes, that´s right, it was the first time she forgot about the handshake.

My T is within psychodynamic therapy and that she tells about herself I think is just a technique she has developed herself, it doesn´t seem that professional or that she´s able to determine if her technique is useful or not.

I would never want a T who was a blank slate but a T telling stories is to me mostly using techniques. It´s a way of "fooling" the client to believe they share something in confidence but actually it´s just a way of making the client talk.

I can´t tell my T that much of opinions about therapy as she´s the only one at the clinic and we have already had some weeks where we evaluated therapy and when there was a question about ending therapy.

It sounds to me as though you want a kind of care that is different from professional care--like a friend or a family member. But a therapist is neither of those things. It is her job to get you to talk--it is, after all the talking cure. I see nothing wrong with her using whatever "techniques" to make you comfortable and allow you to open up.

Pretty sure I've written this before, but--it sounds to me like you really need to stop paying so much attention to your T and just pay attention to yourself, what's on your mind and what you can learn about yourself in therapy. That way you don't need to have a "perfect" therapist. It's on you to make the most out of therapy.

Therapists don't need to be in private practice to be caring. I have gone to mental health clinics and found most of them to be good, caring people.

This t is never going to be your ex t. Instead of finding fault why don't you try and think about all the good things she does do to show you she cares. I have switched to many different therapists over the years. You have to give them a chance. She didn't have to go back and shake your hand but she did. T sounds at least she is trying.

If you continue to be unhappy with her find someone else or talk to her about it

Thanks. I don´t expect her to care like a friend does but I have several T:s to compare with and I know a lot T:s are more caring and show more warmth than my T.

Her techniques aren´t making me comfortable, they just make me feel it´s a fake relationship and that she knows how to pretend to care. I´ve tried this for several months, to see past our differences and things she said I didn´t like and such but sooner or later you reach a point where too much goes wrong.

Yes, I believe that too but a private T has more of a choice between patients. I think I have given my T a chance, I´ve been with her for 10 months now.

As I don´t have another T to switch to and they don´t do referralls my alternative is just ending therapy and being on my own without health care again.

My T is pretty close to me in age (7ish years i think), but even when she shares stories from her life, I never feel like it truly is helpful for me, but maybe i am different. IN your case, your T is probably trying to get you to see that other people have/had struggled with these things, and they are conquerable. I think that is what my T tries to do with me, but i just let her talk even if it doesn't help me per se, mainly because i suck at talking (in a therapeutic setting)
I agree you have stuck with this T for almost a year. Overall, how do you feel about your therapy in the past 10 months? Good? Ok? Terrible? Could be better?

Why isn't private therapy an option for you? The expense?

I too struggle with the "benevolent manipulation" of therapy. I had a former T who was very heavy handed with technique and I found it annoying and triggering. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a warmer and more authentic T, especially if you have a history of attachment trauma.

Thanks. Yes, I agree to that´s what she´s trying to do, to show me how other people and sometimes herself has struggled. Sometimes that´s helpful to me but it isn´t enough to hear about others and then feel ok. It´s absolutely not helpful when I realize she isn´t telling me things because she trusts me or want to share things but that sharing is just a therapy technique. That´s what I´m feeling at the moment, that it´s partly fake (and has to be as it isn´t a mutual relationship) and that those techniques aren´t helpful.

I think this therapy has been partly good, sometimes terrible and for the future it needs to be better. Private therapy isn´t an option as it´s too expensive and here we don´t have health insurances covering therapy.

Have you told your T how you feel about her telling about herself?

Thanks. That was a good expression "benevolent manipulation". I don´t think all clients knows about this or how much of techniques there are behind sitting there and communicating with clients. Some T:s are good at being as genuine as possible but many T:s are not and when doing mistakes it becomes evident how the role as a client and the role as a T is really different.

I think if it´s possible as a client to accept that most of the caring is fake and that the T has no personal connection to you, it´s easier to stand therapy. As I´m very lonely therapy becomes another dimension of loneliness as it´s a fake relationship. I have no solution to how to relate to that.

I hadn't heard the expression "benevolent manipulation" before, I think it's a useful
expression for how some therapists operate. I saw a female therapist who was considerably older than me, but was new to the profession. Although I think she meant well, her technique felt clunky and fake to me

She did help me in some ways but in others not...thinking of you

I think that is well said, and is the inescapable bottom line. This is a large part of what I found so damaging. People need genuine relationships, therapy is a fake relationship. The rest is details. You have my sympathies.

What does your picture of therapy look like, I mean without knowledge or technique or process? Ts are trained to offer a therapeutic relationship - which by definition is different to most other relationships. How would you know, for example, that she really cared, as ipppsed to doing caring things because she wanted to build a relationship where you can open up to her? I'm lost with what it is you want, that can be provided in a professional, boundaried therapy relationship.

I do understand the need, want, urge or pining for close, mutually revealing friendships in most humans. I think it's programed into our DNA. But, and this is a big BUT, therapy relationships cannot become deeply personal or mutually revealing; they are professional relationships, designed to assist people in solving issues they seek to address. Once the focus is taken off the client and the therapist begins to reveal and ask for "help" or support by becoming vulnerable to the client, I think things quickly go south. You only have to read posts in this forum to see how hurt people become when "professionalism" goes out the window.

But I also recognize that "therapy" conducted in a solid boundaried professional manner can be hurtful to many clients. They deeply want and need emotional closeness with another person and he/she finds the professional therapy relationship too hurtful and painful, awakening intense feelings of longing and resentment. Because the T is working from a professional focus and the client wants something more intimate and balanced in regard to giving and taking, things go a off kilter. I'm not sure how that can be resolved. I think that is why some people simply find therapy unhelpful and in some cases damaging.

I don't see your need for a more warm and authentic T as something that is out of bounds. I know that I've had Ts who were warm and authentic, while still maintaining a professional therapeutic demeanor. I wasn't their friend. I would never be their friend, and I was never more important to them than they were to me. They were someone I hired to help me deal with life issues and when we were done working on the issues, I wouldn't see them again unless we ran into each other on the street or I made another appointment to see them again professionally. Hard reality for some, but it is what it is. I hope you're able to talk about it with your T, you might be surprised to find that you will gain some really important insights about yourself and your approach to relationships. It might deepen the work or you might decide that a therapeutic relationship is not something you want to engage in because it isn't helpful to you.