Couch 129: The Semiprime Couch

@Squirrel

here is the book my T gave me
https://www.bookdepository.com/Overcoming-Paranoid-and-Suspicious-Thoughts-Daniel-Freeman/9781845292195?redirected=true&utm_medium=Google&utm_campaign=Base1&utm_source=US&utm_content=Overcoming-Paranoid-and-Suspicious-Thoughts&selectCurrency=USD&w=AFCCAU963190KRA8078P&pdg=kwd-104399877699:cmp-710369722:adg-40749717087:crv-163845473028id-9781845292195&gclid=Cj0KEQiAiMHEBRC034nx2ImB1J0BEiQA-r7ctvYPKNIBVhBKY-VBPqPNhXvvB5WTCppQ-swl1o16_GQaAsHW8P8HAQ

But but... I'm only cutting the grass
(Can I say that? Foreign languages are strange sometimes)

Yep, that's perfectly fine English! And carry on, then!

The paranoia of people shooting me when I am driving and that people are plotting to do me harm are my usual paraniod thoughts and are there quite often and how I got the dx of schizoaffective. I also hear voices at times. I also do not have the best self-care for myself and that is a concern of pdoc and T.

The voices were around this past weekend, and that concerned pdoc yesterday as well. It's a lot of things playing together.

I'm not under 25, but I'm not that much older than you. I just turned 34 about a week and a half ago.

Middle Schoolers can be so rude/mean.

The school has different groups come in from time to time to entertain kids at lunch. Friday it was a police dog and offcer, the kids liked that and were okay with it. Today is it a local Scottish music group (drums and bagpipes) dressed in full gear (kilts/etc.). I just walked through the patio to use the restroom before hoping on PC ad kids were yelling vulgar things at them and calling them names. *shakes head* Teens today have no respect. Not all, just enough to make people dislike teens.

Yes Lonesome. Happy Birthday and do enjoy your date! I hope it's a wonderful night for you!!

I don't remember what I did when I turned 40. That seems like such a long time ago. Actually it was 12 years ago. I don't feel that old though, maybe somewhere around late 20s early 30s. That's not too far ahead of you Demunie.

I'm 22 actually, but didn't want to make you all feel too old

Squirrel - You have a scottish music group entertain the kids? That's cool

Thanks, Trail!

I'd thought about having a bunch of friends out to dinner on the weekend like I usually do for my birthday. But that was a really rough weekend last year for reasons I don't want to go into now, so figured better to just focus on H and me. We also went to see a band I like over the weekend.

Have T tomorrow, don't know if I will tell her about the "emergency" appt with pdoc or not, though I probably should. I will see her next week too, the day after I see pdoc (my original appt with him). I feel odd needing pdoc so much lately and think I may be bugging him. Maybe that is just part of my distorted thinking though.

The receptionist did say yesterday that when pdoc came in (he works at the local IP hospital in the mornings) he immediately requested she pull my chart because I did what I was supposed to and contacted him instead of waiting and getting worse. She said that he was proud of me for taking that step (that's her saying it though, not him, so I don't know if I should believe it or if she was just trying to make me feel better). The front staff know me fairly well there, when I call all I have to say is this is Squirrel (not Squirrel Rodent) and they automatically know who I am and pull up my file. It feels odd to be known by my first name only there, but it could be a good thing.

I was surprised that I didn't have to wait long for pdoc yesterday (being an add in appt). When I called to make it, the office manager (who answered the phone) said that they could squeeze me in around 4:30, but I may have to wait a bit because patients with appointments would be given priority. That made sense to me. I got there a little bit before 4:30, the waiting room has about 3 people in it. Pdoc comes out of his office with a patient and grabs the next file. I am expecting it to be one of the other people waiting, so I am not even paying attention when he calls my name. I guess my subconscious heard it though because I look up from my phone and he motions for me to come. I hope the other people did not get mad that I got to go before them. I was amazed that I was told there would be a wait and I was called right back...I guess pdoc has his own priority in his mind. I just really hope the other patients did not talk about me after I went back about getting to go before them when they were waiting first.

I'm dishing out a lot of money into my mental health lately. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It could be seen both ways. Good = I am caring for myself and getting help. Bad = I am getting more ill and can't handle it on my own. I don't know which to go with, I am kind of on the fence about it right now.

Yea, the school had a Scottish music group in today. Some of the kids did not find it "cool" though, but that is typical in a middle school. They will get excited about a police dog giving a demonstration, but when it comes to enriching their culture, they want nothing to do with it. Lol.

Teens NEVER had any respect.

Ok. I'm trying to stay positive and not think worst case scenario.

My counselor is moving to another location in about a month. He's considering 2 different places. One will be ok for me, I think. The other one he is considering is not in a really good part of town. It actually scares me to think of going into that area.

45 minutes of yoga didn't "shut it off" and I'm right back struggling with it.

I don't even want to think of the possibility of not continuing to work with him. I feel like I can talk to him about anything and I don't know how I would rebuild that with someone else.

If he does choose the "bad place" and I am brave enough to go there, I'm going to be triggered from that! How will I be able to make any progress?

He seems more 'not real' to me today.

I hate this!!!

I'm NOT going to worry about it!

Right?

Back from my 2nd (and last) push in class of the day. Now in my little room till dismissal, though I may head out a few minutes early to beat the cars lining up to pick up kid where they are not supposed to and blocking you from pulling out of the parking lot. And so I can make a LH turn out of the school. Between certain times you are not allowed to and I have to turn left to get home. When I have to turn right, I have to loop around 3 blocks to get in a direction towards home. PIA, but whatever.

I have CVS tonight, but only for 4 hours. Pharm manager should be back from vacation tonight (well he was yesterday, but worked morning only, so he was gone when I went in).

T tomorrow should be interesting...I wonder if she will ask me about hospitalization again like last time. Pdoc did again yesterday (multiple times) but I declined every time. Am I really appearing that "unstable" to them? Well, I guess if it was severe, they would Baker Act me even if I did decline when asked originally. So, maybe they are just concerned. I dunno.

At least next week's appointment with pdoc should just be a "check-in" on if the additional shot yesterday relieved my symptoms or not. I know for sure there won't be another shot that soon...that will be the week after that's appt. Seeing pdoc 3 weeks in a row...my insurance is going to hate me. Pdoc will get a pretty penny out of it though...maybe not though, since ins companies don't pay drs the full amount they request and my copay is not that much.

I don't know what to do about all of this. I have never felt this "bad" before or thought these things for that "long" before. I guess I am getting help to resolve it though. Switching to every week with T and asking pdoc for help. That's the first step to get over this hurdle I assume. I'm horrible at jumping hurdles though, so hopefully the assistance will help this time.

I got a speeding ticket!!!!

(((Squirrel))) when things were bad with my mom, like she was being really pushy with me, i was getting paranoid about crossing this one street on my way to my ts. No other corner, just this one particular one. I think it had more to do with feeling like i had no control over what was going to happen to me, that i would be forced to do things her way.

But just look at and hold on to what you are doing! Two different cateers AND going to school, without your familys support or even encouragement? That is a real true thing. I could not stand up to my family. They tore me down just because i was a girl and was going against expectations. Its ridic but it still happens.

Oh Trail i hope if he has to change it will be to the better option. If he goes with the other one, might he consider skype or phone sessions so you wouldn't have to go to the place? Just a thought... I did phone sessions for over 2 years w my t while she lived in another state during that time and they worked well for me. (i mention it from time to time here but never remember who was around at the time lol)

Um...the quadruple exclamation point says this is a good thing?

I hate calling potential new therapists. Curse you, DBC.

And while we're on the subject, mini-poll time: what would you think, if a therapist trying to convince you had symptoms of x mental disorder says after some increasingly heated discussion, "and your other providers thought so too"? Asked why she would say that (especially given her low opinion of said providers), says she's being honest. It then turns out later that she is wrong about one of them when she consults her notes (as she tells me by voicemail). Is this as offensive as I think it is?

Thank you! He has made mention of Skype a while back. I didn't remember that until you mentioned it. I've not thought about the phone. That feels weird to me because I'm such a people scanner. It will truly be different if it comes to either, and he offers.

I so hope he chooses the good place. He said last night that he would make a decision within 24 hours. Next week I don't see him until Thursday. I'm going to try and not email him and ask him. That will be a battle! Maybe he might let me know before then.

Maybe he would understand if I did email him and ask what his decision was. ?

No it's bad =(

You sound very self-aware here. For me, it would be worth trying either the higher dose shot or an oral Ned. Can you set an alarm or use some such method to take your pills?

I think it would be OK to email. For me, simply requesting information over email seems like a good use of time. All he would have to do is type the name. And , depending on the decision, it would either help you relax some or get you to start problem solving.

I don't actually understand the sequence of events I don't think.
If she said "I think you are X and your past therapists did too" and then called you up and left you a message that she was wrong and that one of your past therapists did not think you are X = then I would not find it offensive. I would find it somewhat incompetent and would find another (or others) to hire and quit this one (which it seems like you have been sort of trying to do any way) - but I can't say offensive is the word that comes to mind for me.

I don't fully understand how she would know about the other therapists or have their notes - how did she get them and why?

I'm sorry! Hope it's not too bad! ((( hug )))