Couch 129: The Semiprime Couch

Why don't therapists call me back? Has the world gone mad?

Oh couch. I need to unburden my heart some.

My heart is breaking anew for my son. We had a long, very emotional talk again last night. Among other things, he told me that he feels like he is nothing but a burden to his Dad. He said "he's my f'ing DAD, why can't he just for once tell me that he's proud of me? All I ever hear from him is how bad my room is, that I need to save money, that I need to have goals. But he never says he is proud of me. Why? Why Mom, why?" And how am I supposed to answer that?!

I wasn't able to not cry this time. I was able to hold back the gut-wrenching sobs that wanted to come out, but I couldn't not be emotional at all. Through my own tears I told him that his Dad IS proud of him, and that I'm so sorry he doesn't show it or say it enough, that I know in his heart he wants the best for his only son he just doesn't always know how to say the right things. I didn't know what else to say, I don't know if it was the right thing to say or even approaching the right thing, but this is so hard, couch.

I told my son last night how proud I am of him, and I do tell him that a lot anyway, because I never heard it growing up. And I told him that being his mother is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me, he is the most important person in the world to me, that I love him with all my heart. He wouldn't let me hug him until a good hour into the talk, but he did eventually.

I don't know if I am strong enough to handle this, couch. I feel like sitting h down and telling him all of this, and telling him that I can't do this alone, I need him to help me handle this, to let me talk about it, to join me in building our son up and not just reminding him of where he needs to improve. I'm just as guilty sometimes. I ask him if he's keeping up on his schoolwork sometimes before asking him how his day went. He said last night that his Dad never even asks him how his day was. He just starts right in with "Is your room clean?" or whatever. I need to tell all of this to h and tell him also that if he thinks I can end my own therapy right now without him supporting me and our son in this, then he needs therapy more than my son and I combined. I know that's not the right way to approach h. But honestly you guys I just don't know how to handle this. I'm so thankful son is back in therapy. We need to go to family counseling but h refuses to consider even marriage counseling when I have tried to get him to go, I know he would refuse to go to family therapy too. I think I am beginning to see the writing on the wall here couch. I am going to have to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through when he refuses. I don't want to break up my family and end my marriage, but damn it, something's got to give here for me to help my son. I don't know what to do, couch.

I told h this morning a little bit of this. He got very pig-headed and refused to see his part in it at all. AT ALL. Said "B will feel better if he'd just clean his room. It's not my fault he lives in a pigsty." I told him that perhaps if he felt better about himself he WOULD keep his room cleaner and as parents, we need to help build him up and tell him we are proud of him along with the reminders to clean his room. He said something like "he's just going through adolescence late." I said no. Our son has some serious issues and we need to do everything we can to help him now. He said "well he's got a therapist now." yes but we can't just do nothing. He said "I give him tidbits all the time to try to help him." Tidbits - yeah - "Clean your room!" "You have to save money!" "You have to have a plan for your life!" said in an annoyed tone and repeated ad nauseum. These are not "tidbits". These are criticisms.

If my h won't listen, if he won't even think about some type of counseling marriage or family, I am going to have to get really brutally honest with myself and seriously think about ending my marriage. Yes it will hurt. And it will hurt my son too, because he loves his Dad and he knows somewhere inside of himself that his Dad in his own way loves him too, he just doesn't know how to show it I guess, but it hurts him too much to always have it in his face. If we didn't live with h, he wouldn't have to have it in his face every day.

Thanks for letting me unburden myself here. This has been building for a couple days and I just hadn't let it out yet. I'm sorry to bring down the couch. And I thank anyone who actually read all of this. Son and I will get through this, I believe that love is a powerful, healing thing and my love for my son is about as big as love can be, it's just so hard right now.

Art, you and your son don't have to live in a toxic environment. I have felt badly for your son ever since your husband burst his bubble over the band trip a while back--saying he only got invited because X reason which had nothing to do with talent (sorry, can't remember what reason h gave, but it hurt your son).

Also, it may be that your son is ready to move out on his own. It won't solve his dad issues, but at least he can be in a better emotional environment. You can tell him that his dad cares about him all you want, but it's kind of invalidating to your son's feelings if the evidence shows otherwise.

I hope that's not too hard to hear. It would be easier if your h would take part in making changes.

I also think it would be a good idea for your son to move out. Find a couple roommates to share costs, etc. It would help him mature more and self-confidence comes from that.

And, I think it would be good if your son spoke directly to his father. You acting as intermediary means that each of them are talking to you, not each other, and your relationship with each affects those conversations.

And, speaking from experience, no one deserves to be given an ultimatum. When most people receive one, it instantly gets their backs up because it looks threatening, controlling and manipulative. It will make the situation worse. Instead, decide what you would like to do, invite your husband to have a conversation about that, and when/if he is unhelpful or shuts you out, go do what you've decided to do.

Art - I am sorry it is so upsetting for you. I don't think you can control the relationship between your husband and your son. If you decide not to be married anymore because of you and your husband's relationship/what you don't like about him - that is one thing. But to hinge it on the relationship he has with his son seems to me to be a bit misplaced. Would it be possible for you to listen to your son but not immediately jump to you having to act or try to fix it all the time?

Thanks for your thoughts all, and you make really good points, i am thinking 'out loud' here not acting yet except for listening to my son and talking a little to h. I'll respnd more on lunch break. Thanks again.

Morning couch. I am in my little room.

Mom called me after I got home from CVS last night. I don't know why I answered...I guess I just wanted to be sure she was okay. I got to hear more crap my step-dad is doing. Originally, he said all she could have is the car and the dog. He called and left her a voicemail yesterday afternoon saying that was no longer possible, that everything is his and she will get nothing. He's upsetting her, yes she has a lawyer that will take care of as much as she can, but my mom still does not need my stepdad's BS. And by telling me, my mom is involving me. Grrrr.... I have enough problems of my own, I don't need anything added to it.

I'm thinking about texting pdoc to ask if the local outpatient part of the local mental health hospital takes walk ins for counselling or if I'd have to have an appointment. My T is always booked and cannot fit anyone in at times like these and I want to talk to someone. I don't think I need to go IP, I just want to talk to someone to try to relieve some of the stress. I thought about using the EAP from either job, but all they do is set you up with a counselor for appointments, not immediate "help". I just feel like talking to someone not involved who does not know either of my parents. I can't talk to anyone at work (school job) because my mom used to work here and my step dad used to be principal at an elementary school that feeds into my school, so they are both known by many people here, plus I don't trust anyone here not to blab to someone else. I just want an outside party to talk to. I hate all this garbage that is being laid on my shoulders that is not even mine. Why must I be pulled into the situation. My mom did the same thing when she diviorced my dad, pulled me in and I was only in high school. My dad did too...at least this time it is only one side pulling me in and not both. I just want all this crap to be settled and done with.

I have my own issues I am trying to handle right now, this garbage with mom's life is not helping at all. I guess I could tell her I don't want to know and not to tell me, but then she might get upset and think I don't care about her. It's a complicated situation.

I think I am going to find my appointment reminder card in my purse for my next appointment with pdoc to get his cell number and text him. I normally email him, but that may not be seen for a bit of time, texting would get to him sooner. I don't know...maybe I shouldn't, I don't want to look like I am becoming unstable. I just want it all to go away.

Squirrel, your pdoc is already concerned about your a stability I think. Telling him about the mom situation will at least put your current functioning into context. I don't think it will make him more likely to admit you to IOP or send you to the hospital. Just my opinion though.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My parents both confided in me their feelings about the divorce and I was only seven at the time. It's rough.

(((Squirrel))) your mom needs a t. Tell her you are not a t, and that you are very sorry, but this is upsetting you. Heck, run a guilt trip back on her and tell her it reminds you of your high school days when she and your dad divorced.

You want to tip the balance of this relationship back where it should be. You are not her mom. You are not her savior.

When i lost my job, my mother told me, she would help me, but she would not let me take her "under" with me. It was her way or the highway. I accepted her help, i accepted her conditions. If you think there is a way to do stg similar where you are the boss, then MAYBE talk to her about it. Maybe that will be enough to scare her off!

Maybe suggest seeing a t with her? Or her lawyer? Sounds like she needs help, and just talking to you about it, no offense, doesnt accomplish anything. Youre very action oriented! Tell your pdoc to give HER a shot in the butt!

I am enjoying my late middle-agedness. A highlight of my morning is using my waterpik flosser. It makes my mouth so happy.

That brought a needed chuckle.

You're going to be the life of the party at your retirement home.

And una will be your roommate.

She will have to get her own water flosser.
And how will I gauge my dementia? I don't understand exhankster now.

When you start understanding her?

That's what i was gonna say haha

I wonder which one of us will be like the demented clients I represent? They are forever trying to smother their roommates with their pillows.

What if you're both like that? Survival of the fitter.

Whoever wins gets the water pik.

I am younger and spryer. And I will have the excellent gums.

I just treated myself to a chai tea latte. Yum. Its like a hug on the inside. Feeling a little better.

You're going to bite her?

It'll be good to have excellent gums if someone plays hide and seek w your dentures haha

That whole conversation just cracked me up.

Of course not - with all that fat free, sugar free, salt free fake food she eats, she would taste terrible.
I would make her watch me eat corn on the cob.

Day 5 of Wellbutrin taper and day 2 of Klonopin taper: dull lingering headache, dry eyes, exhausted physically and mentally. I was supposed to be done work at 1:30 but she asked me to stay till 2 today. It's 1:15 and it feels like 2:00 will never get here. At least both infants are sleeping at the moment. (Knock on wood)
5:30 am I got a text from my husband. He said today is not going to be a good day at work. I called and asked why and how he knows that within a 1/2 hour of being at work. He then went on a tangent about how his route was setup today. It's an ongoing issue. (He's a truck driver) the dispatcher don't know how to do his job. I told him to contact the big wigs and tell them what's going on. I then told him if he doesn't want to do that then change the situation and find a new job. I then told him if he doesn't want to do THAT, then change the attitude. I told him those are the 3 options. I don't want to see "It's not going to be a good day" as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. That's why I don't bother watching the news.

I was reading this while H was reading sports at lunch. He asked what I was laughing about and while I'm trying to explain why people smothering each other with pillow is hysterical, he is just looking at me like I am crazy. Whatever. At least I am one of the laughing crazy people and not one of the smoothing roommates crazy people.

I'm sitting at work cracking up. My boss asked me what I was laughing about. I'm like..you don't wanna know. lol