Couch 129: The Semiprime Couch

I am drinking too. Stood up to h. More in a few when i get to my laptop.

Completely unrelated to what i just posted but wondering. When someone responds to an email and says "It was good, was it not?" Is that rhetorical? Or does it require a response? stupid question i guess but i wonder if i should have responded.

goes off to read the post....

Depends on what it was.

If it was a party at work, no response needed.

If it was sex, you should respond.

Still drinking, but sipping not guzzling. It's really tasty, a fruity white zinfandel.

So yeah. I stood up to h earlier. Son is out with friends this evening, so we are alone in the house. We were both in the office, him at his desk me at mine, and mine is by the door so when I pushed my chair out and turned around to talk to him, I was kinda blocking the door, not intentionally, but I was. And I just started talking to him. I told him how hurt our son is, how he feels like he is a burden to his dad and how he just wants to feel like his dad is proud of him. I asked him, would it hurt you to tell your son that you are proud of him? and he said "for what? He's not doing anything to be proud of right now." I said yes he is! Dig deep! Find something, no matter how little, you feel proud of him for! He said "well I told him after the accident that he did good getting help from the police." I was like dear, that was almost a MONTH ago. He needs to hear positive things from us every DAY right now. Would it kill you to tell him you're proud of him more often? I mean seriously? And he said "I guess it would." I asked him why. He said he didn't know. I said I am not trying to attack you here. I am just trying to explain what it's like to have negative voices in your head and needing outside approval to help counteract them. H said "Isn't that what the therapist is helping him with?" I said yes, of course, but we can help too, how hard is it to say while he's playing his bass "Wow son, that's sounding really good! You're really doing well!" But he doesn't. Sometimes he says it to me, and I pass it along, but why can't he say it directly to son? I said he needs to hear it from YOU. He needs to know that his Dad loves him and values him while he's learning how to value himself. I told him son said that he feels like you think he's a loser. And he said "If I thought he was a loser, I would kick him out of the house." I asked him well then why can't you find something, any one little thing at all, that says to you he's NOT a loser, and tell him good job for that. Actually just talk to him about ANYthing other than criticizing him. Ask him how his day was. Even THAT would be enough. Don't just go knock on his bedroom door when you get home from work and say "Did you make your budget?" without even saying hello. I tried not to attack, I didn't yell, I did get emotional, but I said a lot of the things that are on my heart. He didn't get mad, actually it was worse he kept making jokes, and it was really pissing me off. So I said "I am trying to talk to you here. Please stop changing the subject." And he said "I don't know what you want me to tell you." I said I want you to tell me you will say something nice to your son. He said fine. And then the cat distracted us and the conversation was over. I hope I have given him some food for thought.

Completely unrelated to what i just posted but wondering. When someone responds to an email and says "It was good, was it not?" Is that rhetorical? Or does it require a response? stupid question i guess but i wonder if i should have responded.

It sounds rhetorical to me.

I hope you feel better for telling your husband what you think. But I really don't think you can dictate his relationship with his young adult son. Plus this seems a bit triangulated - your son talks to you (possibly even in confidence) and you go and tell your husband what he must do because of how you feel about what your son reported. It really does not take your husband into consideration it seems to me. In the situation you describe - I would probably respond more like your husband (not about saying nice things to son - but in general to having A come to me about what B said and expecting me to be different to B than I am because of how upset it makes A that I am me and not someone different)

The son is not a child anymore.
Just my opinion.

The son is not a child anymore.
Just my opinion. I see a lot of people (young adults) who cannot handle things because their parents are constantly doing it for them. This has nothing to do with the mental and physical health here - he has a therapist and if he wants his father to change - then, in my opinion, the support should go to helping son talk to father - not having mother triangulate.

Again - I absolutely disagree. But of course Art is free to do as she thinks right.

It depends on who it was that wrote this to me.

I know you think differently than most others on here, but I think with a parent relationship, regardless of mother/father dynamics...the focus should always be on helping the child. If her son doesn't feel comfortable talking to his father, there is a reason for it. If Art can help things along, I think she should.
That is not saying that she should expect her husband to be different, but when you have kids, that kid comes first. His health and mental health comes first.

I just gave how I saw it and that I understand the H to some extent. I understand the son is a young adult not a 30 yr old. I gave my opinion.

Is it good to try to force the father to do something he does not mean and does not want to do? Is that really a good basis for the father son relationship?
I think not. I realize I am the minority. I have sympathy for the father. I hope it works out

At this stage, the father's heard enough from art, it should be the son who has the next conversation with him.

SD's right, the son talked to his father about sex with his girlfriend at least. It doesn't sound to me like this has been their relationship all along. And with luck it is just a father-son rough patch: the father is upset about the car accidents and corresponding inconvenience, is worried the son doesn't have the survival skills for life (the budget and cleanliness stuff), maybe is jealous of the kid's youth, expects him to contribute more around the house since he's over 18, father's from a different generation, etc. I don't think the husband is an ogre.