Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Hey T--I will NEVER bring this up to you, but I think you cried a little bit when recounting a story to me last week. It doesn't freak me out, but I think it is sort of funny that you can easily shed a tear or two, and I am a robot upon your couch. You know I think it is sort of funny how emotional your H is, and I'm all like "eh, feelings are for the birds."

Life wasn't good when I sought you out. I was hurting and needed help. Now I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, and it's all your fault. I don't want to live anymore.

T,
I don't want to see you next week. It will be the session before our "transition" session. It feels like I'm going to be saying goodbye. I know it's not actually goodbye, but it feels like it.

I know this will be a good thing for me. I know you will be there when I need you. But sometimes I wish you were like other Ts here. I wish you would just keep taking my money and see me for years. It would even be nice for you to talk about yourself some. You just started doing it a little and it helps.

I just want you to stay with me. I don't want to let go. I'm screaming and crying on the inside. I want you in my life forever and ever.

T.
I
want
you.

Dear Dr. S,

I have a world of feelings right now regarding life in general and towards you. I am mad at you and I love you. I don't want to see you tomorrow and I can't imagine life without you. I doubt I email you again and I so much want to hear from you. I want to do so much today yet I can't seem to get very much motivation to do more than move from bed to computer back to bed.

I want to eat and I want to feel good in my body like when I was starving myself.

I don't want to cancel for tomorrow, I don't want you to cancel on me tomorrow, I don't want to talk to you tomorrow... Maybe I still want to see you, I don't want to tell you anything or talk to you about anything. I don't even want to talk at all.

What am I going to do?
- me

Hey ex T, I'm sure you picked up on this already, but on the off chance it passed you by...

"And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool"

-------------------------------------------

T,

I wish

I wouldn't have had to go through all this pain.
I wish I wouldn't care so much right now.
I wish I'd just do what I want, although I know it's self destructive and stuff. I wish I wouldn't care how I affect other people.

You know, in a way, I achieved everything I ever wanted. I moved out. I have something you could call friends. I'm in a relationship. My life is perfect.

I'm ungrateful. To you, my parents, everyone in my life. I'm sorry for that. I'm trying, I'm trying really hard. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong...

Ugh. I just don't feel like talking to you.

I wish I didn't have to do this whole therapy thing. I'm tired.

Miss you T. Want to talk to you but don't want to say anything. Maybe we could just sit together again on Tuesday. Thing is, I know that it would disappoint me if I didn't talk so I will try. I will try to stop worrying about it all. I did something today which has left me feeling unsettled. I don't think it should have, but it has. I rather think it 'should' have left me feeling OK, if not good, but it didn't. I don't know if I will tell you, because I feel stupid for it and I have no idea why. It doesn't make any sense to me. I thought it would be a nice thing to do, and I think it was, so why did I feel shaky afterwards. I think it was worry? Not sure though. Probably would be good to discuss with you, along with my incident from the other day.

What is happening to me

I arrived safe. I know you probably haven't thought about it or wondered at all so I won't actually contact you to tell you. But I kind of wish you did wonder so I had reason to tell you.

Dear MC,
Kinda nervous to talk to you tomorrow after dumping all the paternal transference stuff in the e-mails... and then I wonder whether H and I should talk about our issues instead... but then I'm pretty sure my paternal needs affect my relationship with H and, especially, my daughter, so I think we need to talk about them. Like...if my inner child doesn't feel safe, how am I able to convince my daughter that she's safe? Your super-caring voice seems to speak directly to my inner child. Can you just tell her that everything is OK? That she's safe? And that now she needs to help daughter feel OK and safe? It might take more than one session to do that. And maybe I need a recording of you saying that to help it sink in. But that seems kinda weird. So maybe if you could just say it a couple sessions in a row? Because I think that super-caring voice of yours can have more positive, healing effects on me than anything else. It's like your voice taps into my soul...

So, thanks, and love you,
LT

Dr. S, I'm pissed, I'm pissed at me and that will bleed over to being pissed at you as I've been barely holding off on being pissed at you all day. I'm done... in this moment I'm done with all this therapy stuff. - me

T,

When I think about why I "love" you, I realise a lot of it is young, childlike feelings. Which are really awfully shameful for me. It's feeling safe with you when I haven't felt safe in the world, and wanting to be close to you in this young way because you are safe... Definitely not something I like experiencing as a fully grown adult.

T, you were wrong. I do trust you.
I trust you to do your job, and I trust me to look after me.

It felt like you were flirting a little bit with me today I know you weren't but I can hope

I wish you would reply. I'm fine, but I still get worried when you don't reply. And I had an emotional week.

I wish you would have checked up on me over the weekend.

Sorry for my freak out meltdown

Dear t,
I don't deserve you.
We're from different realities

Dear R,

Not sure whether you're back from your leave yet, but I'm hopeful that you will see my email soon. I'm safe, but my head's a bit of a mess at the moment. I think our next session is going to be a heavy one. I hope you're ready, I'm not sure I am.

Dear T,
I think I trust you, but I'm not always sure. You never take notes. Are they hidden away somewhere or do you not have any? Do you remember what we talked about last week, last month? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I wish you would ask me what I'm thinking about, not about how my week was. I wish you would push me harder. There is so much in my head that I filter out by habit. Sometimes I wish you'd share your opinion of me, either personal or professional. I don't know where we're at or where we're going. I just feel lost.

T last week you asked if I'm actually a thinking type instead of feeling. No i am not. What a question... Really?? Thinking is what i do when the feelings get to be too much and it's also where all my complexes live... That's why i am how i am when in the grip of thinking, most def an inferior function. Do u not even know me, t??