Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I hope that it doesn't result in this. Whatever the confession is, I would hope a T can 'hold' it.

I almost told you just before I left, watching that last minute count down, that I felt like punching a wall. You asked what I was thinking. I didn't tell you. It seemed unfair somehow, to leave you that way. Or manipulative, maybe. It was only the truth though.

I feel incredibly self-destructive now. I don't know what to do.



I won't. But I really want to.

Fifty minutes is a ****ing worthless amount of time. Stir it all up and send me out the door.

Dear MC,
I think part of my issues right now is that there keep being things I want to talk about or explore more from previous sessions. Because, as Luco said, 45-50 minutes isn't long enough. But then the next session, we're on to dealing with stuff from the past week. Instead of continuing conversations that need continuing. Maybe that's something to bring up Wednesday. Maybe we need more of a plan or something. I know you do this occasionally, but maybe I need you more often to be like, "Hey, so that thing from last week? I don't think we finished discussing that." Maybe I want you to help control the sessions more or something and not let us continue down a path that's headed nowhere. And not so much chitchat or joking around or personal stories maybe...even though that's part of what I like about you, it also eats up time.

It just feels like there are all these hanging threads out there. It would be good if we could tie some of them up (or stitch them up? However that metaphor would work).

And I really wish I could just talk to you individually about some of this stuff because that would help the stitching/tying go faster, but I know that's probably not an option. Wonder if you'd consider an individual phone session (that I'd pay for)? So that way it would be 50 minutes, not trying to squeeze me into your break time. Hm...doubt you'd go for it, but maybe worth a shot to ask... Not right now though.

Please do say something back to me before our appointment though. Even if you're, say, out of town right now for spring break--we don't see you till Wed., so that gives you lots of time. Honestly, at this point, even if you just say, "Thanks, LT. Let's discuss this in session," then at least I know you've gotten it.

Love,
LT

I'm hoping you email me back today. I'm just starting to wonder since its 8.38pm at home. But you have emailed me as late as 9.30pm before so I'm still hopeful. I've just realised if you don't email me back at all I will be mad at you! Not completely adult I suppose, but today we would have had a session so I feel like you could give me five minutes of your time today. Maybe I'm overdue being childishly mad at you. Gotta bring little echos sometimes, right?

Well, I see you're not going to tonight. Great.

I'm sorry to hear that, Echos I'm surprised he hasn't replied, and I don't think it's childish at all for you to feel angry that he hasn't - after all, as you say, you would have been having a session with him today.

Thanks Luc. I feel guilty for being angry in case
seen as he's the same age as my ex but I just needed this from him. It's hard being away. I think (hope) he will email tomorrow, in which case all is forgiven.

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams and I don't know whether I want to stitch myself back up again or just undo them once and for all and be done with it. It's too hard. I can't do it.

I am really tired, and I know it isn't helping, and that I should just go to bed, but I don't. I sit up and fall deeper into the pit. Often. Why? Because I know that if I go to sleep then I will only wake up again and then it all starts over. Over and over and over again. Somewhere inside me I think I wish that if I stay awake and let myself fall into the pit, that it will all be over. That either the world will disappear or that I will disappear. The latter would be preferable, for me.

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.

Maybe we shouldn't waste any more time on all of this. Can't I just go back to the way things were? I don't need people in my life. I want them, but I don't need them.

It's too hard.
It's too hard.
It's too hard.

It's too complicated. It's too confusing. It's too painful. It's too much for me.

I am useless. I can't even figure out how to build a relationship.

But things won't go back to how they were, will they. Things never go back exactly as they were. So what do I do? Help me, please. Help me.

Dear No. 2,

γαμήσου ρε...

ATAT

Hey t. I have a super-weird feeling I'm gonna regret not asking to come see you this evening. What's wrong w me.

Dear MC,
I never should have included the part about how I feel safe with you in that e-mail two nights ago. Of course, now, I'm not going to hear back from you. I can tell myself that maybe you're doing something for spring break with your kids or that you're just waiting till you have time to respond. But my mind is like, "Great, now I admitted I felt safe with someone. Time for them to back away slowly..." I know I'm asking too much of you. That's what happens when I really trust someone.

I just want you to help me. Because you seem to truly understand what's going on with me. So to me, that puts you in a place where you can help. But I know you're fettered to some extent by the boundaries of marriage counseling. It's just hard to have someone who seems to have the potential to help me so much within reach, but only be able to partially benefit from that help. It's like we get close but then have to back off to deal with marriage stuff.

But if we could address the core of what's going on with me, then I think improvements to the marriage would follow... It often feels like we're just treating the symptoms. Like you acknowledge the underlying cause, but then we can't really work to treat it, aside from talking about it for a few minutes every few weeks. But if we could do that...if we could really spend time to focus on it--I think so much other stuff would fall away.

Please help me?
LT

Where are you?

Dear Dr S, It would have been nice if you would have offered or said something when I told you that I had written about asking for it back. You just sat there and waited, waited to see where I take things. Well, I didn't take them anywhere. Maybe you don't have it anymore, maybe you threw it away after all. What will you do or say, if I do ask for it back and you threw it away? Then again, you know I won't ask it out loud. -me

Oh Hey T.

So S came over last night to give me back my skates...and she somehow got me to go to prax at the park. I didn't bring gear, and helped B for her first time skating after surgery. EXCEPT, when I left, I hugged S and said I appreciated that she came over even if I don't seem like it. She said she was glad I said that bc she was worried I hated her bc she "forced" me to go.

Sooooo...that made me feel bad, and then I texted her ridiculous vulnerable things that I KNOW BETTER, to which she didn't respond to. She just said she was glad I came. So tonight, after a few drinks, I texted her I was sorry that I spewed all that at her, and she responded with she is glad to hear from me, but doesn't know how to respond.

Whatever. I hate myself for trying. Again. WHY. I am such an idiot. Will I tell you this next week? Not sure. (probably)

Why are you away ANOTHER three weeks?

Dear CW,

I am trying not to lapse into self-destructiveness again thanks to No. 2's letter. I've come too far - at least I hope I have - to let a petty, unprofessional action like that set me back.

I may wait to open the letter till next week's session with you. I rather fear its tone will not be conducive to my peace of mind.

ATAT

Oh, EM, I feel for you. Why is it, that our "younger" needs and desires always surface whenever T is not available? Or the other way round. T not being avaible brings the younger feelings out...
I hate this, it almost always makes me feel lost and abandoned, on a really fundamental level. Hugs to you!

Hope your T has replied by now!

art T,

group session yesterday was ok. I felt fine - most of the time. That's more than I expected really.

But: I hated the moment when at the end you asked everyone how they are feeling now. And then you questioned my response when I said "ok". you asked "just ok"? I "gave in" and said something along the lines that I feel really good. And then I immediately added: But not any longer. Because I was 'forced' to state that I feel good... It just burst out of me. And quite aggressively so.

And now I'm stuck with all the ambiguity that goes with it. On one hand I know that this is huge. I noticed in the moment (and not hours or days afterwards) that something feels wrong to me and I did something about it. (Which ironically makes me feel good now that I'm thinking about it...)

And yet I'm feeling guilty. I lashed out at you, quite aggressively so. I feel the need to check with you that this was 'ok'. That I won't be 'punished' for this. I'm sure you can cope with it, it's me who needs some reassurance...

And, of course, now it's easter break coming up, so I have to wait until the end of the month until I can ask you about all this. UGH!

I'm soo MAD!! We talked about that one not knowing what to do with anger tonight. What a timely discussion.

Well. It still doesn't know what to do with it!! I'm actually PISSED! There is no outlet for it. It is after 12 and I'm still up, looking for some time to sort this out in peace. Finally! I have time but I don't know what to do with this. There is no person with reason here to sort this out with me.

I don't know if I'm being rational or not. I have no idea. It's just making me more angry.

Think I'll have another adult beverage and go to bed.

I truly can't believe this.

Thanks, he hasn't.
I dreamt last night that I said to him "did you forget about me?" and he replied "Yes, completely. It is great how honest I'm able to be with you about this". So now I'm mad at dream T too.

Dear T,

Oh my god. I feel AMAZING! I stopped taking that stupid @ss Seroquel. I feel that I got my bubbly personality back, and I can't wait for you to see the real ME!

All antipsychotics have done is wash out my personally and make me gain weight. So I came across as miserable to talk to.

I am freeeeee! F_ck yea!

Can't wait to see you again!

Cheers!

Dear L,

I get that you're worried about me but I'm so confused about the "please send me one email every day" thing. I email you and then you always respond right away with a question? Do I answer so you know I'm ok and coping, or do I save my answer as the next day's email of the day?? But then, I'd spend my single email on an answer to you instead of what's really going on?

I settled on the answer immediately thing and then you asked another question!! So now we've gone from zero contact to five emails a day.
And one more thing, why, when I write to you, do I construct my sentences like I'm six?

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

hate you

Right there with you, Luco.