Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Really? I've had that slot for about 4 years. How would you feel if you went on vacation for 2 weeks, then came back, and found out you now had 7 am on Tuesday...at one of your most vulnerable moments told in an email by the way, I gave your session to someone else. And then said he gave it away because it was one of his 'prime' slots.

Actually, he wouldn't have to put someone in it for 4 weeks then ask them to do another time. He has at least 3 other open slots on a regular basis. And probably more as those are the only ones I'm aware of. He could have offered one of those times to the new person and used my time for other appointments.

Maybe it wouldn't be as impactful if I had more than one a week or it didn't impact my job/hardship, had he discussed it with me first, wasn't callous about it, didn't shame me for my reaction, etc.

But I do recall you complaining in the past about your T rearranging your schedule to accommodate other people, don't remember the details if he discussed it with you first or if it impacted your ability to get there. He's also asked me to move my time a bit to accommodate someone else, and I was ok with it. So, it's probably more the way he handled it than anything.

Do long-term clients typically lose their slots when they go on vacation? That's basically your rationale. I know some pay to hold slots, I was never given the option. I do pay for my cancelled sessions and did so before he ever even asked me to. I try to respect the relationship.

I was thinking of transference reenactments but I think I know what you mean when the reaction doesn't match the situation. what you are describing doesnt' sound like transference to me-it sounds like emotional reactivity. I'm not typically a controlling person so not sure how this applies. Don't really understand what you're saying here in this part as it applies to me though .

1. I agree the way he handled it, sucks big time.
2. I agree that if you didn't pay for the time to be held, then he had the right to fill it.
3. I agree that since this sounds like it was clearly explained to be a temp time adjustment, he should not have offered the time slot to someone else as a permanent thing.
4. antidote - through the holidays this past year, most of them fell on one of my 2 days so T and I agreed to change my schedule from M&W to W&F; which was hard on me, much harder than I thought it should be. I do have some issues with changes to routines and schedules. During this switch we were able to stay in the same office (shared space). However, when we switched back to M&W, some how our usual room had be pulled as reserved for her and given permanently to someone else. I have something... don't know what it is technically called, but I bond to inanimate objects and spaces and create relationships with them. So, losing the space was a disruption/adjustment. I was able to make that adjustment and work in new bonds. Now we are onto a 3rd room on Mondays due to clinic remodel. I hate this new office and it leaves me agitated or anxious during session. ... ... moral of the story, disruptions of all kinds can affect us in a multitude of ways and reasons... the simple fact that there is the shift in your life might be enough of a reason to have an emotional response and that is OK. The hows, whys, and everything around the shift just adds another dimension to the shifting landscape of your life. Based on what I understand and interpret, the fact that your T didn't check in with you regarding scheduling expectations, didn't honor your relationship longevity, didn't validate or respect the impact his actions had on your life, didn't own his part in causing a disruption to your routines/expectations,... (the list could go on)... are all additional reasons for stress/distress - in short, an emotional reaction/response to the situation. It is understandable, valid, and Okay to feel what you feel. I'd feel it too, maybe just for different reasons.

ETA: I think the goal here, is to get past what you feel (not over it, not discount it, but look past it) to see why you feel it. Is it because of something that is mostly in your make up, past, temperament, personality, ...; mostly in response that is in his make up, past, temperament, personality...; or how the combination of those things are blending together to create the turmoil inside you. AND then figure out if you can really work with him on sorting it out. Since he doesn't ever seem to take ownership on the concept that his behavior alone does impact you in the here and now... I have a problem seeing how you could work out anything with him. Yeah, maybe his actions triggered this cascade of internal stuff from your past, he still did whatever he did in the here and now and he doesn't seem capable (at least not with you) of seeing that maybe he was discourtesy, disrespectful, or not compassionate in the way he handled things.



PS - I must really be over my mad, looking at all those big words and concepts I just used.

Oh, T,

I had emotionally prepared myself for your text this morning, but I wasn't prepared for you to ask to reschedule. It took effort to reply, as opposed to the thumbs up emoji that I had waiting. I don't want to move my appointment up. I don't want to see you at all. I don't think I want to work with you anymore.

But I know why I feel this way. It's easier to distance myself now, when you're finally seeing the real me. I can distance myself as opposed to you rejecting me. Because you're no different than anyone else. If I didn't pay you to hold me in unconditional positive regard, you wouldn't. You would leave like everyone else. I mean, you ARE going to leave me. So why should I continue this charade when I know it's only going to destroy me in December? What am I even getting out of therapy? More pain and heartache.

But despite knowing that every time I walk into your office, I set myself up for suffering, I'll see you at 11 instead of 12.

Thank you by the way for saying thank you. It's nice to know that you respect the little free time that I have.

I bet you will get fed up with me. What's your wager?

(((Skies))) ive never gone on vacation while i was in therapy. My first long term t kinda scared me out of it. Plus i dont travel much, so im probably the wrong person to talk about this. I take my "time off" whenever my ts take their time off. Im not really normal! Not exactly agoraphobic, but kinda. I just dont see the point of a lot of stuff. Plus im not healthy enough. And im alone.

I havent worked for over ten years, but when i was working, yeah i had 7:30 am appointments that i had to drive an hour to get to, then drive into work, where i was already considered late. Or i would take 3 hour "t lunches". It doesnt exactly help your career, so yeah i can empathize.

Forgot the standard stock responses? Or slip of the finger? Whichever, doesn't matter. Time for me to draw away, anyway. In all areas. I need this holiday. Don't reply. Leave me alone.

That is not the point, its not a matter of something that is not helpful for my career, but I have plenty of my own work hardships too and can empathaize with you in not taking vacations. Id give you a vacation if i could. I think that would be nice if you could take one. Im due for one too.

The issue i posted about was feeling wounded and being treated on a cruel manner. I dont see therapists giving away long term slots when people go on vacations or surgery or other short times, and not even talking with the client about it-its just mean. Im calling it for what it is.

I dont need to own my therapists stuff AND mine (i feel like that is what you are suggesting to me though i could be misunderstanding your other reply). I have enough of my own stuff to regret, grieve, or beat myself up about. I have plenty of my own crap.

Then maybe its time... for a poll! Your t pulled the "nobody in 40 years has ever complained" card. Counter that with pc poll stats on the bolded part above. Or google research on vacation? Now youve got me curious.

I hear you saying that a big part of the bad feelings comes from being told AFTERWARDS. After the medical appointments. After the "break".

1. Would you have NOT done the medical appointments, had you known it would mean losing your t time?

2. How big a factor is your disappointment in the outcome of the medical appointments?

3. Did t discourage you from doing the medical appointments, and you feel now he is punishing you for going against his advice by taking away your time?

#3 above could be a transference situation. I could see MY parents acting like that, and then me acting OUT like that. So it FEELS like punishment or meanness, but RATIONALLY, who holds 4 weeks of unpaid prime time open? Cuz yeah he probably assumed you couldnt pay for an unused 2nd session per week. But thats financial, not mean, not personal.

I really am trying to make you feel better, not worse im kind of an expert at finding reasons my family didnt really mean what they said or did. It can be used for good or evil.

Una - you'd make a good defense lawyer. But given Skies' history with this therapist previously, I think he's exactly the type to do something he knows he can get away with in most peoples' eyes ("he's running a business!") but that he also knows will hurt her. Win-win for him.

Also I think stopping making excuses for poisonous people in one's life is a good sign. When I stopped doing that for future ex, I could move on (or I suppose I could have chosen to stay with no scales on my eyes). And I'm not sure I could have gotten to that point without listening to my feelings, or observing the larger pattern. It's like, individual events, good and bad, are trees, all the events together are the forest.

Elio's right, maybe there's some kind of transference and sure, that's worth looking at. But does the presence of transference exculpate bad behavior in the other party?

Its ok Una. Good people or people i like can do mean things to me (or anyone). Happens all the time to people. Im just dying here, didnt mean to be snarky, ihope i wasnt..

I love u T

@@ - im a hippy, i would hope id be the last person to say "its business, not personal" as an excuse. But worst case scenario, the client assumed the time would be reserved, the t assumed it wouldnt, and it was a misunderstanding that was not openly discussed.

A case could be made for both sides, there are extenuating circumstances on both sides.

A rupture to be resolved?

No, there is no case. It's not an argument or disagreement. There is no misunderstanding. If I had any doubt, I would seriously be thinking of that-probably hanging on to it right now.

Would be nice if it could be resolved...will try. Or not..

I think people go on vacation all the time or have medical interventions, for example, and don't expect their slot of 4 years to be given away. I don't see this as any different.

Using my imagination-the forum would fall apart every July if everyone's therapists gave away their sessions when they went on vacation or took a short break.

He knows how sensitive I am to scheduling, extremely vulnerable and sensitive to it. We've talked about it over and over and over. He knows how much it affects me. How could there be any room for misunderstanding there?

He had other slots available. And he had plenty of opportunities to tell me he had someone else he was considering giving my slot too, or that someone else wanted it. I mentioned here that I pay for any sessions I cancel. If money or business was even the issue, or needing to fill his schedule, he could have offered me the option to pay to hold the sessions. Plenty of opportunities to ask me.

Really bad adverse effect from my treatment, was incapacitated for 9 days total. It felt my brain was swollen, for one. Just deleted extra information about numerous other stressors going on at the time affecting me mentally. He knows how demanding my work schedule is, it is extreme.

He also didn't he tell me that he gave my session away weeks ago until after I took my 3 day break. He told me this in an email when I was having a PTSD meltdown, where I thought dissociated parts and material was coming up like it did years ago. He knows I was traumatized when that happened.

If it was simply a misunderstanding, would the average therapist tell someone that vulnerable, with all that going on, who is known to have major issues with scheduling, in an email oh, by the way, I gave another client your session. Someone practicing 40 years? Like he wouldn't realize? Seriously?

Then when I expressed hurt and distress over it, have no empathy? Instead, shame me and tell me I am the only one in 40 years who had ever been 'upset' about having their slot of nearly 4 years given away?

Face it-it was cruel.

Look, i'm not trying to demonize him. I feel like I'm dying and am alone and have no one else to talk with about this. Not coming here to prove anything or win arguments. Have been a total wreck, feel kicked in the stomach, sui, can't function well enough to be productive, and just want to not be alone in at all.

I dont get it. You feel he was being mean. Okay. But if you skip part of the story, then that gives extenuating circumstances.

I kinda feel like when Trump said, Obama wiretapped him. Thats kinda true, but not the whole truth, right?

Did your t first say your old time was no longer available when you asked him for a new session after your break? That must have been horrible for you. Not a great moment for him either, but you are really the one affected. Really a letdown, on top of everything else. THAT i get.

This time i was not accusing trump of being paranoid! Nor you. Im saying, yeah, obama "was" wiretapping because he was recording russian conversations. Not obamas fault those russians were talking to trump people and therefore they got tapped!

I need to reread your post.

Yeah - my question is, exactly when did he say it? What precipitated it? I think, you can win this battle with your t (in your mind) and go on losing the war (which is only with yourself, really), or you can repair the rupture and no one gets the blame.

Also, when you keep saying how he should schedule his time, i hear dr phil say, "stop taking his inventory!" It just seems intrusive to me.

Skies, I have debated whether or not to share my own experience--mainly because I don't want to risk upsetting you when that's not my intention. But I will because maybe it will cast a different light on this for you and ease some of your anger at your therapist.

A few months ago, I needed to cut back on therapy due to a heavy work schedule. I knew it was time limited--two months--but I did not expect my therapist to hold my time slot. I told her the time frame, said I knew she would have to let it go, but I couldn't see a way around it.

I haven't been seeing her as long as you have seen your therapist--it's about 2 and a half years--but since we talked about it ahead of time, she said she would hold the days for me and use them to fill in for people who needed to reschedule due to other reasons. I think what helped was that we talked about it about a month before it started, and I didn't start with any assumptions about being able to keep my time; in fact, I really struggled because I was certain I'd lose my time.

So we got clear about it up front and both felt respected. I think that clear communication might be what's missing from your situation. I say this not really knowing much about your therapist (as I've shared, I haven't understood the nature of your therapy)--so maybe it's that he's a total jerk. The way he handled this was definitely cold and hurtful. I'm just sharing because I don't think it's a given that a time slot should be held for someone. I think I have an awesome therapist, but I would have accepted if she had to give away my time slot. It's just one of those things.

"Sorry about your experience, thanks for sharing."

My experience was just fine. I was sharing because I thought it might help, which it totally didn't. I should not have said anything.

Right. But your t doesnt tell you when to schedule your work meetings so its convenient for him.

Either This thread has jumped the shark or i have!

T, Ruh Roh is right. Your email sucked, you don't. I still love you.

Im very sorry.

Dear Dr. S, thank you for responding to me. I'm past my mad so maybe we can talk about some of it. That bump was weirdly darker but not as intense as other bumps, lasted longer than the usual 36 hours too. Love, me

PS, you could have mind read into the poke, touch part of my email and given a little more, maybe I'll ask about why you didn't. Do I always have to be explicit in this relationship?

Hey Skies. Don't leave. I think you are just vastly misunderstanding Una. She speaks mostly in riddles (to me), and I think she can easily be misunderstood.

When I read the Trump comment, I thought of it as an example where there was partial truth there, but not the whole story. Not that You = Trump.

All that being said, it seems that you are getting angrier and more hurt by the day with this T. Do you really want to continue? I do think what he did is slightly baffling, and I am a bit confused on the timeline of it all.

When do you see him next?

Dear MC,
Sorry for all the handshake-related e-mails from H and me. I hope you understand that it is sort of a big deal to me--and why. And that we can find some way to reinstate the opening handshake. I feel we've lost so much with the move to the other building...don't want to have to lose that, too.

And, ugh, Wed. seems extremely far away right now (as does Tues., when I see T). And I ended up crying in a restaurant with H today because of stress. Just feel like I'm falling apart...Wish I could shake your hand right now (though I'd probably want to put on a bra first...)

Love,
LT

What would you like people to say? What would you find useful?

Is that to us here at PC or to your T or to yourself?