Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Oh, and yes, I did do it, didn't I, I really did.

I just figured out something which i think is important. I think i have object permanence issues with attachment figures. I think it's how I coped as a child with my inconsistent parent. They became somehow 'not real'.
So when you didn't email back during the break I was angry because I felt like you didn't exist if you didn't reply. I also think i have been this way about my ex all these years. I convinced myself he didn't exist, so that when i went back to the flat it was heartbreaking because it was all so real again. It's making a lot of sense to me. And explains why i feel little attachment to anyone apart from the people under my roof, and you.

Elio, I think Dr. S. is alright!
Hugs from c_r

T,
so I didn't call you today. didn't have time bc today was so incredibly busy. And tomorrow will be busy as well and Thursday also.

Am I feeling better? not sure. I'm less in touch with myself and with my feelings. There's numbness - this feels familiar. Not sure where this will lead us.

The next session is in a fortnight, due to the 1st of May. Holidays suck. By then I will be completely detached from everything. This is how I cope. this is how I've been coping for the last 40something years. You've been asking. Here is my answer.

Am I running away? Avoiding? Probably. But I don't see any other option unless I want everything to colapse on me again. And i'm not ready for that.

So I won't phone you. I'll cope somehow. My anger will have been gone by then anyway.

And I'll see you in a fortnight. Take care.

Hugs, Echos...that makes a lot of sense, sadly...

You know, I used to wish that a lot (your last sentence). I think your T probably wants to know this information. I agree you should probably text him/her. Please? He/She cares more than "oh daisy pays me money, I GUESS i should pay attention to her."

art T,

I am really looking forward to group tonight. Strange and unfamiliar feelings. I'm not sure whether I can admit that though. We will see.
I'm still a bit angry, but mostly curious what tonight's session might bring. So this is defnitely changing. Which feels hopeful as well.

c_r

T,
Tomorrow is the day. I don't want to go. I'm scared. I feel vulnerable and fragile. I want to make the most of this day. I am excited to be getting my rock and card. (It better be a pretty rock!) And I'm excited, embarrassed, and anxious about giving you my gifts. I hope you don't think I'm pathetic! Most of the stuff is made because I think you'd appreciate that more than a store bought gift. But I don't want to come off childish either (though it is child-like). I'm not looking forward to the month without you. You say everything is going to be okay. It's hard to trust you right now. You're in a sense pulling away from me. I mean, if everything works out the way you think it will, then yeah that would be great. My fear is you leaving and how stable can I be on my own.

Please please please don't leave me!

Thanks, I appreciate your reply for what is, in retrospect, a petulant cry for help. I'll definitely talk to T about this.

I'm soooo nervous.

I love you so much.

Why can't I talk to you about suicidal thoughts? I told you yesterday, it's like I need to show you only the good stuff.
Sometimes I just stick to negativity and sui thoughts because I want you to care more. But then when I'm there it's not showing. I want a reaction out of you. You don't work that way I guess. But I can't help it. I'm tired being this grown up with the pokerface. Or being grown up in general.

Did something happen or are you worried about something?

What would your non-grown up self want to do with your hour?

Hi T,

I still haven't managed to start learning. I know you're right. I know it's important. I know that it doesn't matter wheter I'm "motivated" or not, that I just have to do it.

Hating myself. Can't be that hard to get up and get started, eh?

>.>

I'm actually the least grown up in there. I think I meant IRL. To just be honest and real. Spontaeous and childlike. And stuff I can't talk about here...And feeling cared for. And live life as there is still all that potential you get to hope for when you are a kid.
But my non-grown up self is angry in therapy that she is excpected to not show up. Or at least how she feels. So I'm getting angry at T a lot and play the sulky child routine.

It was just the first session back after a break, and I always feel like everything's going to be different. But it was good
Thanks for asking.

Dear M,

I get so annoyed when I suddenly get back a lost memory in session and then we spend the whole hour fleshing it out and trawling around for details and causes and consequences and implications.... because we don't do anything therapeutic and then I'm stuck for the week with this stupid awful memory.

Like, I could have had the flashback on my own time, not on the clock with you, and then I could go in to see you and do something about it. I didn't have the flashback on my own.... but I could have and it would have made no difference.

I wish I could go back in to see you and tell you how everything is hard and how I have no idea how to structure my life so that I'm not inadvertantly perpetuating the trauma. I'm just flailing around with no clue. See you on May 8 I guess.

uhhhhh,

i dont even want to see you, ?

me

Love you T. What would you do with that? You didn't mention it at all last yesterday, even though it was in NY writings. Is this just because, as I have said before, that it doesn't matter what you feel, but what I feel that you feel? Complicated. If you felt it too, would you tell me? I would want you to tell me.

2, 3, Smaug,

Do you all realistically expect me to just go along as usual after the cr*p sandwich you handed me last November? Resiliency doesn't happen in a vacuum, you know.

ATAT

Dear MC,
It's been nearly 48 hours since our appointment, and I've managed not to e-mail you! You're probably checking out the window for pigs flying, though maybe you'll wait till Monday at 1:59 for that...
Love,
LT

Continued here https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...part-xxiv.html