Connection

In session today T and I got to talking about "connection" as I told her that I often want to email her between session as a way of maintaining a connection. T then asked me if I do anything else between sessions to feel connected. I couldn't tell her that I constantly look at her and her husband's facebook profiles multiple times a day. I am sure T would be extremely creeped out if she knew how much stuff I know about her from my facebook stalking. I also look at T's website and read old emails from her (the emails are all about mundane things like scheduling). It is so pathetic and yet I hate holding things back from T, I just want to tell her everything but I don't want her to hate me.

Hi Retro,
Apart from the Facebook piece (Can't find T on FB), I pretty much do the same. I don't think it's pathetic, and I doubt your T will hate you. I think it's normal to want that constant connection. It's taken me a long time, but I'm getting more comfortable admitting what I need , even if I don't know why. Like sending an email just to get a reply - a physical validation she's still there.
If you bring it up - I hope your T responds well.

I feel like I wrote this post

I totally know how you feel and unfortunately, I don't have an answer or any advice. I'm in the same boat.

I understand your reluctance to tell her about the Facebook profiles (my T was upset when I told her I'd found hers and her H's--marriage counselor was OK about my finding his wife's though). But I think it would be fine to tell her that you look at her website (I assume you mean her professional one?) and read the old e-mails.

Is she open to e-mailing between sessions? Even just one line, like a "hey, are you still there?" Or "Feeling a need for a connection." If not, then maybe ask her what she would suggest to make you feel more connected? I know some people have talked about having some sort of transitional object from their T. But maybe she has other ideas.

Edited to add that I sometimes look at old e-mails, too, particularly from MC. And I have a couple of MC's voice mails saved where he sounds particularly caring that I listen to from time to time if I'm feeling stressed or upset.

Retro, you are not alone in your behaviors to keep a connection. I reread emails, I have a voicemail from over a year ago that I listen to from time to time, I have a picture and video of her from the web (she has very low web presence), and I have her business cards from the first couple of sessions. One of her cards lives in my backpack and goes with me pretty much everywhere. The other lives in the top drawer of my bedside dresser. Yesterday I showed T the one in my backpack as part of the story to how my Monday unfolded. She called it a touchstone.

I have not admitted to her that I have the voicemail, the picture, or the video or that I have searched her on the web. I have told her that I read the old emails and she knows I watched a more recent and public video.

She has told me repeatedly that it is ok to email her. I'm in a weird place right now so can't really comment on how I am doing with all that. The real problem with between session contacts is the waiting for replies and the content of the replies. Sometimes they can be so positive other times they can be eh, whatever... and sometimes they can be down right upsetting. They are (or can be) in and of themselves another rollercoaster.

I understand what you are talking about. Been there, done that.

I think it might be useful for you to tell t that you reread emails and look at the website. I don't see how anyone would think that is creepy, or snooping. From reading here, ts have different thoughts about facebook, so maybe not sharing that makes sense. But I think that telling t that you are struggling to keep the connection and that you are trying to do that without bugging her would be good information to process.

Thank you everyone for the replies!

I will tell T about looking at her website (yes, this is her professional website) and reading old emails. I think I will hold of on the facebook stuff though . I have asked T about a transitional object before and we had a lengthy discussion about it which did not result in me getting one. I actually bought myself a transitional object - stuffed bunny rabbit that I named after T which I told her about. I have mixed feelings about emailing because while I do want the connection I also don't want to spend my time obsessively checking my emails which is what has happened with previous Ts. I also know that I can survive without emailing her which also creates mixed feelings; I hate the idea of needing T but hate the idea of not needing her even more.

I wood definitely talk to T about feeling a lack of connection between sessions .. I've never looked mine up online but I can text her between sessions, and I often do .. often towarssbrhw end of the week I text asking if she is still there .. although that is due to my abandonment issues, not because I feel disconnected .. do you have any idea why you feel disconnected? Do you feel connected with her in sessions?

I have told my T about struggling with connection in between sessions (though I never said it like that). I've told her about "researching" her, that I know where she lives, she knows I look at her fb page, that I've saved pictures from her fb page, and that I reread emails. I don't have any recordings of her, but if I did, I'd listen to them and would admit it to her. She's fine with all of it. Well, I'm sure she doesn't like that I know where she lives, but there's nothing she can do about it. Plus she knows I would never go near there. But anyways...

I talked to my T about a transitional object. She said not until we terminate. And when we do terminate I'm not allowed to "research" her anymore (though I can keep the pictures). Well, since we're not terminating for a long time, but we're "transitioning", I'll get my transitional object.

I would definitely talk to your T. Maybe even revisit the transitional object topic. You don't have to admit to anything you don't want to. But maybe, hopefully, you two can come up with ways to help you maintain that connection.

I usually feel connected to T in sessions, I mean there are the odd few that I don't but that's usually due to something specific that's going on and we always talk about it. Anyway, I think one of biggest issues for me is that I spend so much time thinking about T and I want to know that she thinks of me sometimes too. Sometimes 50mins a week isn't enough and I feel I need more from her.

Yes, I will definitely be continuing this discussion with T next week. I'm not sure if we will revisit the transitional object topic again but I will ask her for some suggestions on maintaining a connection. It is just hard for me to imagine T existing outside of the therapy room. I mean obviously she does but when I'm not in session with her, T just seems like some sort of imaginary person or something. Even looking at photos of her on facebook is like looking at photos of a stranger (because I am) I know nothing about who T is outside of the therapy room. I don't know how to explain it... its just such a weird relationship I guess.

Totally relate! It saddens me when I think that I'm just "a client" to my T. Although I would love her to think of me the same amount of time as I think about her but I know she doesn't & it hurts. Its hard to attach and trust someone so much but be so restricted at the same time. Its like being a rabbit and having someone continuously dangling a carrot in front of you only to take it away as you get closer, its like trying to reach the unreachable- you need to be attached but not too attached, it sucks!

Do you think emailing her without her answering back might help? My therapist and I have a setup where I write to him and he doesn't answer me. I like this because I don't want to stress out over replies, but I do better if I feel like I can stay in touch. (If I need to talk to him, I ring him.)

Just an idea! I'm sorry it's so hard.

I totally get all of that and I feel the same regarding feeling I need more time from her sometimes .. do you know anything about your T .. as in what she has told you as opposed to what you look up? .. mine has told me bits and pieces about herself which maybe helps me feel connected between sessions if that makes sense?

This is exactly what I struggle with every day. It really sucks and I can't seem to find anyway to get over it or around it. It's this part of therapy that actually makes life more difficult at times.

Same! Sometimes I wonder if doing therapy was the right thing cause as much as it has helped it also triggers those longing feelings that are so painful and that I had hidden away.
I totally love my T and the work we do but I just wish my feelings weren't so dismantling, its all consuming

Yes, I often wonder if therapy is actually helping me or not because the relationship with T can be so stressful and triggering sometimes. I'm too attached to T to just leave now so I guess I need to "work through" it... what ever that means.

I don't have much to say except that I can really relate