Reading emails in session

Last week my T said that she has started seeing a pattern with me emailing her and she wants to use it as a "tool". She is completetly okay with me emailing her and we are both on the same page about not actually having a conversation over email but that sometimes it's helpful for me to send them during the week.

So going forward, she actually wants me to email her more often, or just not hold back if I feel like emailing, but that I have to read them out loud in the next session. She said she'll still read it beforehand but for some reason, it makes me really uncomfortable to think about reading them to her.

It's much easier for me to open up via writing and it's frustrating that I have such a hard time reading something to my T out loud that I know she has already read. I know she is pushing me because she wants to help me get more comfortable expressing myself in person so I'll do it. I'm just anxious about it.

Has anyone else struggled with this or been in a similar situation?

I haven't been in your particular shoes, but I think it is cool that your t wants to help you move toward being able to just say stuff in session and has come up with (what seems to me) a creative way to move in that direction that isn't punitive. No shame, no blame.

And, I understand that it would be tough to read the emails out loud.

oh Helllsss NO! My T has tried a few times to read an email I've sent her out loud, and I immediately shut it down. No way I would ever read my own words out loud to her. Nope. There is a reason why it is written, it is much easier to tell her some things vs face to face.

Luckily my T respected my wishes, and read them to herself

Yeah, I really appreciate her trying to help me work through that. I know it will be helpful in the long-run but it makes me anxious right now.

I actually felt really good after last session when she suggested it. Makes me feel like she really cares and is trying to help me

haha that was my internal reaction when she first suggested it. In the email I had sent her before that session, I told her she could push me so when I inititally pushed back against the idea, she just smiled and said "You asked me to push you". I couldn't say no to that...lol

Well, if you asked for it That is good that it is a goal that you are trying to attain. Personally, I have never liked public speaking (not that this is really the same thing, except the whole vulnerability part), and my T has always been okay with me writing things on post-its and handing it to her, or like tonight when I e-mailed her something I couldn't say in session.

But, if that is something you want to work on, verbalizing your emotions, you go girl! (or boy!)

I used to email my T. Sometimes she would address it in session. There were times that she would read back part of it to me. I was uncomfortable with the whole thing. I think it would've been worse if I had to read to her. I had a similar issue with expressing myself so we used emailing in order for me to express things that I couldn't verbally express during session.

I think that it's a good exercise but I can see how you would feel uncomfortable. Hopefully it'll get easier and the whole exercise will be beneficial.

Yes, I experience this. I do it with my journal. She respects my line of what I will read out loud, what I will summarize out loud, what I will ask her to read silently to herself (never had her read it out loud to me), and what I give her to read between sessions. Many times it is a push to read it out loud. My T does not have this information ahead of time, unlike in your situation; so she doesn't have time to prepare for a response or what have you. She is able to see first hand how difficult it is to say the items out loud. Today there were 2 important things in my journal and the session/day had already been tough so I said that I wasn't going to read them and that I was uncomfortable with her having them as they were in her copies of the journal. For a change, she didn't ask if I wanted to hold on to the journal pages. In the past, she was always clear that I never had to give her the journal pages and using the journal this way was my idea. We did talk about why I didn't want to read them, what I was feeling around them.

I hope that helps.

Ohhh I have totally been here! It was terrifying. My mind was going into overdrive, face went red, I was shaking, trembling, and yeah the whole lot! It all sounds terrible put like that, and it really was, but, there is also a somewhat liberating feeling alongside it. My T noticed all the symptoms that it was throwing at me, and got me to kind of explain it all, which was a struggle, but I've got to say, worth it. I am in no way open about things with my T in session, like you, I rely a lot on email contact. Which is great, but for me, emailing gets me nowhere, it's the actually face to face communication that brings the strongest feelings forward.

Despite how scary it all is, it is worth it.. IMO

OMG! I feel for you... This sounds really difficult. But you did ask for it somehow...

With former T, she actively encouraged me to email her inbetween sessions. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. Quite often I said, let's talk about this when we see each other. Still, she'd always send a short reply, even if it just said that she'd read it all and see you next week.

I found it easier to get into the difficult subjects, knowing that she'd know the most important bits of information. Somehow this made it possible to open up more. Or open up at all.

Current T quickly noticed that I started to use email to avoid direct confrontation with her. Because I'd often write about things that she said/did in session that didn't go down well with me. Not really accusing her, but lots of musings and ramblings why I might be finding this and that difficult, and how I feel about it, etc.

She wants me to bring those things up in our conversation. Whenever they happen. Or whenever I realize that they bug me. Even if I realize afterwards, so I'll have to come back to this the next time we'd see each other. Difficult stuff, for me.

For the time being, email is for emergencies only. Or if I really cannot talk about something. It didn't go down to well with me initially, but over the months I can see that she did the right thing in pushing me a bit.

Actually, reading my emails out loud to her would have been more difficult than just having the conversations about those topics. So maybe it is worth giving a try wether you can jump directly into those difficult topics, without emailing first, to me this seems more natural. Or you could still write to your T, but not send the email, so you'd collect your thoughts and you know what you need to talk about? Just a suggestion.

I've felt similar with mine as well! She gets me to do homework and asks me about it and with the sheets in my hand I skim over the awful things I've written about myself and stick with the fluffy light stuff or the things I wouldn't necessarily care if anybody knew. I don't know why I can't get myself to just read what I have written down but I completely freeze
I'm glad she doesn't tell me to read something like an email out loud but I do wish she pushed me more or else I don't think I'll get very far in this

Omg yes. Exactly the same thing. I started emailing T because I was having such a hard time opening up (still do after 2 years lol). So my T would be like thanks for sending the email, I read it, but next session I want you to read it out loud. I swear to you, I stopped sending emails after this lol. I told T it made me feel really scared and she got it and after like 3 times of reading them out loud, she stopped telling me to do that and just read them before hand and we talked about it in the following session. Tell your T it makes you really anxious, thats how I got my T to stop.