Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear R,

You were right yesterday when you said that you see the logical side of me. The more I think about it, the more I realise that this logical part of me is trying to protect me from having to relive the details. Thank you for reminding me that it's only been a short time that we've been together. I suppose it is going to take time for me to open up and sick this up in the way that I sorely need to. I wish there were an easier way for me to 'report' what's going on in my head when I am not speaking.

See you on Tuesday.

I want to email but feel like I'm not upset enough to justify it. You say it's okay to email, but what if I'm just doing it to connect? What would I say? I've tried to write down what I'd say, but I can't find words.

I woke up thinking of you, and then I lay in bed thinking of you, for a long time. That's what happens every other Thursday morning, when I don't have to get up for supervision.

I thought a lot about how you told me it 'wasn't too late' to get married and how massively you'd misinterpreted me. I don't want to get married. That wasn't what I was saying. I think you were thinking of yourself. I hate you for being married.

I would marry you, though. Of course. We could run away together. Maybe that's what you were actually saying? "It's not too late, Luc, I'll marry you?"

OH! I just had a memory that feels really important.

When I was little, around the time that my parents were splitting up, I think... I used to complain when my mum held my hand that she wasn't holding it tight enough. So she would try to squeeze my hand tighter... but it was never enough.

That seems like such an essential metaphor for everything that I am. No-one will ever hold my hand tight enough.

****.

Why, t, do i love you so much? I suppose I should talk about that. I need to stop coming weekly. It makes me too attached. It makes me want even more of you. Meh.

Just call the police and tell them to haul me away that's the only way I'm gonna get better and stop this... Please see through me T

Had a discussion with T about a similar thing recently, and have several times before. She said that we had worked hard on me realising it is OK just to reach out. Maybe you don't need to have the words. Maybe your T is trying to help you realise they are there, they are safe and reliable. Just a thought.

Dear T.

I kind of want you to acknowledge how 'privileged'? you are for being allowed close to me. I am not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it is neither. Maybe by you recognising this it would show how hard you think it is for me to allow it. Weird.

Not weird at all. My T has told me a few times that she feels honored to be with me on this journey and the role she is playing in my life. I take it as a recognition that I don't let others see these things in myself and that it is a privilege to be let into that circle or sphere of my life.

I hope your T recognizes it and finds a way to share it with you. Sometimes I took her statements not as well as other times and yet all times they turned out to feel as an acknowledgement for work involved to be vulnerable.

I had this same want.... and then one day M said, unprompted, that he was honored by our closeness and connection or something similar. But then it made me mad-- what, so now you think you're so special, huh M?

Except... he is.

hold my hand tighter, T

Dear t,

We have session today considering you don't cancel again last minute. I'm kind of nervous to talk to you so Sarah Palin and Johnny Depp have come to visit me and distract me from my thoughts. I think Sarah and Johnny are going to be in session today too. . This should be an interesting session. I'm wondering if you are going to want to call my psychiatrist after you hear this, not that she'll do anything, she doesn't think upping my anti-psychotic is necessary. I'm sorry I'm such an oddball.

art T,

shouldn't come as a surprise to you after yesterday: I'll be leaving the group.
Thanks for everything and for every step that you went alongside me on my journey. It was a good time - mostly. I'm just sorry it has to end like this.

Heartbroken and forsaken,
c_r

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, there for a bit it seemed like it had started to look brighter. Are you going to give it the one more time? Or talk to someone about what is and is not working?

Should I email you??

I've been processing most of this with my "normal" T for the last three months, and I'm just tired of spending my valuable therapy time on processing problems I have with this group setting. Would be ok maybe if I didn't have any other problems... Also if I always feel that I need to process my group experience in individual therapy, something doesnt fit for me.

My take on this at the moment is, it's not the right timing. This group is too much to handle for me at the moment. Too many emotions, too intense, and my emotional baggage from the past that makes me perceive groups as threatening (at best) or as a massive trigger (at worst). I've experienced enough to realize that it could be possible for me to benefit from a group setting, to learn and to grow in my experiences. Some other time, maybe.

I thought as well, that I had turned a corner - (a small one at least). But last night during group I was about to cry or actually crying more or less constantly, I couldn't stop, at the same time I didn't know why and what was going on. I noticed the others' bewilderment and helplessness, wondering what to say or what to do. This included art T as well.
I know that she would want me to come for another session. For proper closure etc. Both for myself and for the group. Not sure whether i'll go along.

I've asked her for referrals for other art Ts that she can recommend. So I can return to an individual setting. Overall this art therapy experience has been tremendously helpful. If things go well it is a wonderful resource and coping mechanism for me. I#m a bit scared now, that this might have changed.

thanks for the offer, EM. I really appreciate that. But I need to go to bed asap. Was on a business trip today and had to get up at 5 am.
Good night.

Think she was writing to her T?? Could be wrong

So t i feel like i need to apologize for my emails today. It's hard you know being a sensitive person and picking up stuff and wanting to care about you just human to human instead of the prescribed t-client roles. I mean i get why the boundaries exist i do, but... I am not going to ask you what's going on i know it's not my business now that i know it wasn't anything i did. So don't worry about that. I just want to be allowed to care, that's all. On a human level. I hope whatever is going on for you gets better. ❤

MC,
OK, so I caved and e-mailed you, but it was only one sentence and just a bit of insight. Of course I want you to write back, even if it's just to say "Thanks for sharing, let's talk Monday." But you know that. Even if you don't respond, then I still know you care. This is so stupid, but I still keep thinking of the trash can thing. How it felt like an act of caring. As I said to T, only I would be touched by a trash can!
Love,
LT

Dear T,
It would be nice if you'd respond to my e-mail with all the insights from yesterday. I'm feeling a bit awkward about one of them now (the second one, of course)...but I'm guessing because I made the comment "Just letting you know so we can be ready to discuss these next session" that you would claim that meant I didn't expect a reply. But I'm really wondering what you're thinking...I don't want to drive you even closer to retirement by checking in though...
Love,
LT

I should have stayed away when I had the chance to. Why didn't I just stay away? Why?

and,



p.s. don't be upset with me for the emailing this morning okay please please pretty please with a cherry on top?

Art, why you beating yourself up again for loving, wanting, and needing your T? I know this is your pattern. It seems well, like the problem isn't seeing her weekly or every other week; your loving/wanting/needing her; your missing her... the problem is that you can't say.. hey I'm Art and I love, want, need, miss my T and that is OK, valid, real... and screw whatever internal and external voice that says otherwise... because my T is awesome at helping me and being helped feels great.

And I hope that doesn't rub you the wrong way... if you wanted a supporting hug instead, just ignore me.

ETA - oh, not to say the missing/longing feeling doesn't suck, cuz it sure sucks for me at times. I guess I feel it's part of the bargain that comes with the good feelings, when everything feels great.

You're right it is a pattern with me huh. And nope, doesn't rub me the wrong way at all it's true it's true it's true. it's because no matter how much work I do on myself i can't sem to get rid of that voice inside my head that says i don't deserve her, i don't deserve her, i don't deserve her and so i need to push her away because she's going to realize i don't deserve her anyway at some point and send me packing . i'm drunk nevermind me id n't really t hink she's going to get rid of met hat easy sbeecause of anything id o. it would htave tobe something major going on with her. i should try saying that elio maybe i will print it out and read it to myself 3 times before i fall asleep tonight

"I am Art and I love, want, need, miss my T and that is OK, valid, real... and screw whatever internal and external voice that says otherwise... because my T is awesome at helping me and being helped feels great!"

why does loving you have to hurt so much