Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

T,

I was going to write you another message. Part of that message was about how I should ghost because we don't have much time left. 15 at most. But when I was calculating that number, I realized that one of my sessions will be on my birthday!

I want to celebrate my birthday with you. I want you to be a good daddy and bring me a present and cake and sing me the song.

This will never happen, of course. Even my own parents don't do that for me. Ugh.

OK, I'm sitting here thinking about how sad this all sounds. Im actually crying. I'm going to ghost. I can't do this anymore with you. It's not you. I just didn't find you soon enough.

Daisy

T,

I think I might need my parachute tomorrow. I'm in emotional free fall. Not good.

I'm scared.
cr.

I hope you didn't see it... I'm stupid and I was drunk.

Hey ex T. I'm very drunk. And when I'm drunk I get my Freddie Mercury on. I guess you saw that. And you know what? I don't give a rats arse how many people saw, cos Freddie Mercury kicks arse.

P.s. my home made salad dressings also kick arse. I'm glad you were there to witness my culinary genius.

You knew I was high... You told me to drive safe.. You never say that

Yes yes he does. Rip Freddie.

Hmmmm...shouldn't he have let you drive at all?

He can't do that

T , you'll hear about my crap day tomorrow. Being falsely accused of shoplifting and commonly assaulted wasn't fun - I was minding my own business.

Oh no, I'm getting that excited/terrified heart-racing feeling that I get when I'm standing outside your door already. That doesn't bode well.

I hope you're okay, OT

Um... Daddy?

👶

t, i hope i can be centered and calm on Wednesday. because i want to talk about why i still come there, and how much of it is just because of my attachment to you. and i have to totally stop this weekly stuff. i'm glad you're taking the day off on your birthday since it falls on my normal day, so it'll be an easy transition back to every 2 weeks. I have to because 1) i'm out of money from my overtime now and 2) it makes me too damn attached.

I can't believe I haven't emailed you yet. And I won't, either.

. To my Daddy...who I never knew.

It just seems unsafe is all! Did he suggest you should call a friend? I'm not sure what my T did if I showed up under the influence. I have a feeling she wouldn't let me drive home.

But I am glad you are safe!

It is unsafe and dangerous to others. I am all for one doing to one's own self whatever one would like, but impaired driving is reckless to others and a criminal offense even where using a substance is legal.

I agree, I've never knowingly driven under the influence. However, my T and his friends used to drug me without me knowing. I had no idea what they were up to so I suspect there were occasions when I drove under the influence when that was going on. I really hate that they so little regard not only for my life, but for the lives of those on the road too. They knew I was really strict with myself about not drinking/ smoking and driving.

Damm you. Why. Why am I so attached to you that I can't go 5 days without wanting to hear from you, contact you. Maybe you should tell me that I can't email you any more, maybe that would be better. Then the rule would be there, clearly spoken, and I can be the good girl and follow the rules. No, no you say it is ok to email you. But at the same time I feel every time I do, I am just showing you how messed up of person I am.

I am sorry I told you to shut up today, I don't know where it came from, it isn't like me at all. It was such an angry reaction too.

I keep messaging my T too. Her boundary is that she'll never respond though she said she reads occasionally.

I doubt she reads every message and I've sent her so many.

Anyway, I hear you, Elio, on can't go five days without contacting T. I lasted two days this week and I just sent a bunch of messages while crying at work. Attachment can be SO painful.

Dear T.

I just thought. You know you keep my pictures up. Well, you say you do anyway. You say some other people ask about them. Is that fair on them? How would I feel if every time I came in there were new pictures around the place? Sometimes I see cards, and that feels OK to me. I small pang of something. Maybe intrigue? Maybe jealousy? Maybe something else? But it feels OK still, because I can't see anymore than the front of a normal shop bought card (often with thanks on the front). If it was a picture though I would like want to know more. I would want to know the who, the what and the why, I think. But I am not sure I would ask. What if other people are the same?

Less than 48 hours till I see you. This week has gone surprisingly fast.

Your sad expression breaks my heart. I think I'll see it again on Friday...
I miss your eyes, your voice, your smile. I don't deserve you. I'm such a bother

Dear T,

"......It's me, it's me it's me that I blame. I was angry with you during that hour. I'm sorry for that, I was wrong. This house has me crazy. You had no idea I was afraid my house might blow up, etc.

Yes, I agree, we need to work on me following my instincts.

If I have it right, I'm worried I don't have my guard up enough (for everyone in my life, not just you) and you are telling me I don't need my guard up at all when it comes to our relationship because you will not hurt me. Does that sound right?

Please don't let me mess up our relationship. That's not my intention....."

From T,

"...You are not messing anything up. I want you to tell me how you feel. I respect your feelings and want to be able to work on them with you so that you get to a place in your life where you feel that following your instincts is safe.

You are right...I will never hurt you. You have the right, though, to ask, to want to talk about your fears. I will not stop being a safe place, no matter what we talk about. You do not have to worry about messing this relationship up. That's part of the safety I want you to begin to trust. I am here......"

You can judge me.. It doesn't bother me