Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

i guess i know the reason why because the little part of me wishes you were her mommy and we just have to get over that because you're not and she didn't get a good mommy and she should just enjoy it while we have it

t i love you so much from the very littlest/youngest part of me

Dear Dr. S, no I am not going to email you today. I can do this, it is only 4 days. I can make it. I know I can email you. The only reason for me to email you right now is because I am feeling the love and thinking of you. I'm starting to either settle with this concept of your vacation or I'm to a place of ignoring it is going to happen. I think it is settle/accept. so hey only 24 hours to calming. We do still need to talk about it. Love me

Dear t,

Thanks for saying if a therapist had bitten me you'd track them down.

T,
Are you still there? I want to email this everyday

T,

I get too anxious in sessions no matter how hard I try to remain vulnerable. I keep reminding myself you're safe. Then I get there and so much anxiety about exposure and vulnerability and shame about the things I message you about or write to you.

Yet in between sessions, I wish so badly to be with you in your office, actually seeing and hearing you.

A whole three weeks away.

No, you're right.
Didn't occur to me when I was writing this... I was quite out of it.
sorry EM....

T,
I don't think you're allowed to terminate with me in the clinic we're at but I could be wrong. I'm sure you would have gotten rid of me by now. I'm hopeless and stubborn and nothing can fix me. I feel I'm a bad reflection of your therapeutic abilities. You really are a good T but I just can't be fixed. I'm sorry.

Hi T,

I'm getting the impression that you're trying to make me angry... Or that you're trying to get rid of me?

Sorry. I know I'm bothering you too much. I know that I'm annoying and way too defensive

I'll see you in 32 hours. I'm better than I was earlier this week, but I'm so afraid that when I'm honest with you about where I was, you'll insist on IP. I can't go IP; it will literally ruin my life right now. But...I'm starting to scare myself.

I'm packing an overnight bag just in case.

I've only just sported this, Oh, CR. I did mean T, but anytime you want to PM, just drop me a line, I'm always happy to talk

Dear T.

I don't really know what to say. You realised something today didn't you. It was a very useful exercise. Maybe I realised something too. I knew it, but I am not sure if I saw it. I hit those very messed up bits of me. I think you are right that we (the two parts of me) have been fighting each other for a long time. Both confused. Both hurt. Both lost and alone. Both sad. Both wanting something different but with no idea how to go about it. I still don't think that we know, but maybe that's OK. Just acknowledging each other like that is probably a good thing. I didn't tell you but the reason I didn't want to touch it was because I was scared. Terrified. That would have been a good one to get into too. For that short few seconds I felt real fear. Then the desire to hit it. But it is a part of me. If the anger came from fear then maybe that is the root cause.

I feel drained, but not so stuck. Not so overwhelmed. Not so locked down as I was.

I will look after myself.

I didn't get a chance to tell you the other thing I wanted to tell you, but I bet you can probably guess that you will be receiving an email from me, and because I think that you care, I think that you will reply as soon as you are able.

I also think that you realised today that I really am alone with all of this. There literally is no one, except you,and in that moment you showed up for me. Thank you.

Dear T,
I wish you knew just how much it all means to me. I wish I could tell you that you are the only person who I can really talk to, and who I actually want to connect with. I'd also really appreciate a hug from you. But that is something that I doubt I will ever ask for. I would like it though..
That is all.. For now!
20oney

Last time you said "Maybe if your parents were nice to you, we'd never met"
Well... I should be grateful to my parents then

Hey, t. I do hope you're ok. I have noticed you've seemed different somehow for a little while now. At first i thought it was just how i was perceiving, like it was my own internal changes making you seem different but now i wonder.... I know it's none of my business whatever is going on with you, but i care, and i hope you are ok. I am not going to want to come in there next week and talk about my stupid stuff, that would feel so selfish. I don't have 'big' stuff to work thru anymore thanks to your excellent help. That makes it hard to let the session be all about me. I care about you, t.

Dammit - you win, I emailed you... you win, I win, lose? I don't know but maybe now I can move on with my day and life. I hate this place in my head. On the cusp of something? I guess because my oscillating between needing/wanting you and being angry with you is driving me insane.

Dear MC,
I hope that e-mail I just sent wasn't too weird or personal. I think I just feel bad for expecting you to be exactly the same in spite of suffering a major loss. I hope I'm not crossing some sort of line saying that I hoped you were managing OK. I don't expect you to be honest with me about that, anyway.

I didn't ask you to respond to the e-mail, but I hope you at least say something...even if it's just "thanks, LT." Because it was a little difficult and scary to type. And I know you want me to say stuff in session, but I really don't think I'd be able to say that stuff out loud.

Hope you're not mad or anything. Or are going to not respond intentionally because we'd talked about my trying not to e-mail. If you don't respond, then I guess I'll just bring a copy along with me and ask if you need me to read it... But it would be good if you could just respond in some way or another before 2 pm Monday.

I normally would have ended it with "Have a good weekend!" but that would have seemed a really strange coda to that e-mail...

Love (wanted to sign it that way, too, but too scared),
LT

Apparently, it's T e-mailing hour!

Apparently. She has already responded with what feels good, enough.

Here's my email thread -

Good morning Dr. S,
I have been on a slight roller coaster of emotions since Wednesday, really all week. The peaks and valleys are not large but they are going fully from loving you to being angry with you; wanting/needing to email you to not wanting you in, not letting you win. They have been a persistent and in the forefront of my thinking patterns with topics from your vacation to the transference in general to this past week of anger and violent thoughts.

Right now. Poke Touch, please let me know you are still there,

Love,
me

Dear me,
Thank you for touching base. I'm here.
Wishing you a good weekend and looking forward to seeing you on Monday!
Faithfully,
Dr. S

ETA: Yeah Echos, object persistence, lacking much - what do you think ?

That was a nice reply from her--and good how you asked for what you wanted from her, too.

Text me back, please. You know I never text.

Mine (which I hope wasn't crossing some line...):
"Hi MC,

I realize the one-sentence e-mail (from yesterday) probably seemed kinda odd--though I did really just want to share that insight. But there's something I wanted to say related to last session, too.

Your "preemptive reassurance" at the end really did help. Not just in what you said, but in how you were talking to me. And there was something else about it, too. It made me realize that the "old MC" (used his first name here, which I don't usually do to his face) is still in there--that maybe that part of you is obscured somewhat by grief and everything you're dealing with--but that really empathic, caring version of you isn't gone.

I'm sorry if it seemed like I expected you to be the exact same person you were before--or at least the exact same therapist. Like you said, of course something like that is going to change you. And I hope you're managing OK. I'm sure that you're just doing the best that you can, including with your patients. So, thanks for still being there, even if it is a little different sometimes.

--LT"

Did you tell him in the text what happened with your H? Or just that you needed to talk? Hope you hear from him soon...

Yeah, this, I've been wanting to email mine today but haven't, cuz at the end of our email exchange yesterday morning i said "I'll stop with the emailing now" and i don't wanna be a liar. I do hate having to wait 4 more days to talk about it tho.

Hey t i also want to talk about your "maybe you do just need to grow up" comment. I know part of me does. I've said that from day 1 with you. But did that mean you're going to kick me out? That I'm just using my emotions as an excuse for everything? You said something like that, too. Somethings going on with you. I wish i understood where that stuff came from. Do you want to get rid of me?

Dear T,

Right... I saw my Ex today and I can't tell you about it until next week.

And I'm mad that I gave up my regular session times with you for a job that didn't pan out - and I called you within 24 hours to correct it back but you're telling me those times were already GONE? Like, how did you book a month's worth of sessions in less than a day?

So now I have to wait another week to see you again and hustle a lunchtime to do so. That's fantastic. And it's a Friday so no doubt you'll be telling me you need time off again and again.

And Seeing my Ex had triggered all my anger and self-loathing and I hate the world. There is no karma. There is no justice. There is no fate. There is no magic "Universe" out there to pray or wish to. Nothing is out there listening or waiting to take care of me or my needs or "tell" me anything. That is the most middle-class privileged crap and I'm tired of hearing it.

There are only people who **** over other and they're not losing out on anything. THEY do JUST fine. THEY are just getting on with their own damn lives. THEY are having friends and dinner parties and they don't feel a THING of struggle or pain.

If I have to hear the tired *** trope that "happiness is the best revenge" I will ****ing throw up. Everyone who ever hurt me is happier now more than ever and I'm HURTING and I'm ALONE and I feel BROKEN and soooo unlikable.

I can't fake it. I can't play nice. I HATE my life. I can't fix it. I can't fix me.