Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I'm still very, very hurt that you gave my session away.

It's still really affecting me. Now you are going to say I "did it to myself" and use that as an example of how I am 'hurting myself' or being a victim. I was actually trying to empower myself by taking a break and thought it would work. Don't have much experience with feeling empowered anymore, maybe i just forgot how to do it in a way that works and was too spontaneous. But now that little glimmer of taking my power back from this depression, the little glimmer has dimmed and burnt out again.

Why couldn't you have warned me and told me someone else wanted my slot? We talk every week and you could have emailed or texted me anytime. I would have quit that treatment sooner and was already thinking of quitting.

Why couldn't you even say you were sorry? That's the part that hurts the most. Like you did it to be mean because I took that 2 day break. It's not like I even had a pattern of doing that--i've never even taken a 'break' before. I don't even go on vacations, you know I don't have that luxury.

My needs never matter. Why does that person's needs matter more than mine? I can even pay someone to consider my needs. Maybe if I could pay more I would matter. I have so little and what I did have you gave away. I don't think I can even meet this week in trying to work around your schedule that's available for non-prime people.

I've been really ill too, can't think of a worse time to not have a therapy anymore. It no longer exists.

No, it feels traumatizing. and i could never go to another therapist again if that happens

he emailed me back. We just found a time for every other week, i think. I cant be doing therapy from my car in work parking lot and leaving in the middel of meetings. i was just desperate. i get really desperate when i feel i'm being abandoned. i can't believe at my age how much it affects me. thank you lonesome

Ugh, I'm sorry Skies. Therapists are basically holding us in the palms of their hands when we share so much with them (I've done an awful lot of sharing, too.) I wonder if there's any way you can repair this with him? I have to wonder how much of it is a counter-transference reaction. Not necessarily romantic, but paternal, or maybe you remind him of someone he knows, something like that?

Are you noticing now because you are recording the sessions?

Yes! It is fascinating.

I told my T once that he has the potential to make me feel really bad and idk if he even realizes that. Like he is THAT important to me. I don't know if some get it

There's this line in a Dar Williams song, "And the ones who can know you so well are the ones that can swallow you whole." I think T's are like that. I wonder if they realize how much power they have, too.

That might be a good poll...Do T's realize how much power they have over clients? How things that might seem minor to them (an example in my case, not shaking hands before session anymore) can really affect us?

I'm pretty positive she knows. I just want to hear her admit it. I cannot fathom why, really.

ETA: this is something I was already thinking about today, since it struck me how odd it is that a person simply acknowledging my existence could fill me with such joy and comfort... he has such power. He could hurt me so terribly. He could ruin my life. Pretty terrifying really.

(Or he can just say 'I remember you, you exist' and make me feel amazing )

Or maybe a therapy couple is like Velcro - the two pieces together can form a very strong bond, but on their own? One is soft and bushy, the other is a little rough and prickly. They can come apart and re-bond without much harm.

I think this is one of my best therapy metaphors evah! I really gotta start writing these down.

Or maybe a therapy couple is like Velcro - the two pieces together can form a very strong bond, but on their own? One is soft and bushy, the other is a little rough and prickly. They can come apart and re-bond without much harm.

I think this is one of my best therapy metaphors evah! I really gotta start writing these down.