Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

T! you would be proud of me right now. I was feeling all cranky and listening to the naysayer but I told it to shut up and started working on my vision board and I feel better already. Lights! Camera! Action!!

I've been thinking about my transference, T. I don't think that I want you as my dad. That's not quite it. I wish you were a friend or a mentor. I wish we had met when you were at your old job. We have several mutual friends and mutual professional connections. I'm not sure if you know this. Well, I doubt you think about me outside of session often. But I digress.

The point is that the idea that we could have been something other than therapist and client is not entirely implausible. But while I am so thankful we have this relationship for the time that we will, I'll mourn your loss. I mourn the missed opportunity to have you in my life outside of this artificial relationship we share now. I'll not speak to you after we terminate. It'll be too hard. I just hope you're thoughtful in your referrals. And think of me sometimes.

You mean, "Mes Mots Meilleurs"?

Thanks for the email, getting back on track. I think I'm done being mad now.

I'm disgusted that you are still so lost after all this time.

T3, This is the first time your office has messed up an appointment, but I wish it wasn't right before I was heading out of town. And I wish that I didn't wish that. The dim glimmer of attachment, ugh. I better not get attached. You've even said that.
So what do I do with this? Sit with it? See if I can get in before I leave? Rearrange my life so that I can get in if you have an opening? Sigh. I don't want it to feel icky about this. It makes me want to get a hold of T1. My automatic response, I guess. I dunno. I guess I will sleep on it. Sigh again.

T,
I'm so excited to see you tomorrow! It feels like it's been forever. But I'm also scared. Please don't punish me for the other week and all the emails! I really needed you. And you said it was okay to be needy. I really hope tomorrow will be a great day with you!

T,
I didn't want to leave session hurt today. More than anything, not today. I don't know why you did what you did. And then did it again. You knew it was hurting and you knew it was time to go. I do know why you didn't help fix it even though you knew it was wrong. You knew we shouldn't leave it there but there was no choice. You had a plane to catch. What else was there to do? I knew it too. I didn't ask more of you. I knew you had no time to give.
Now here I am left standing with pieces of me bleeding out between my fingers.
They scream.
I comfort them as best I can with bloodied hands.

EMDR T - I see you in a few hours with something to process. It's all swirling around but I think I will finish the session with cohesion. It's all the disrespect stuff that isn't acceptable - no , it's not - I deserve better.

T, 8 days is the longest I have went without seeing you in months and it has been difficult. I hate that I am struggling right now and I hate that I am apparently attached to you in some way. Basically I hate everything about therapy at the moment and yet am hoping that the last couple days pass quickly.

Is it worth it? I'm locked in this reality. There is no exit.
Who are they? Who are you? Who am I?
I want to wake up.

I don't think they want to kill me.
Seems i was a mistake. Someone made a mistake. Or is it a challenge? Or a punishment? What is it?

(ahem)
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday, dear teeeeee
happy birthday to you!

I spend waaayyyyyyy too much time thinking about you. I miss you so much. Every. Day. Thinking about you is comforting.

I want you to hold me while I cry but I can't seem to cry in session...maybe this week. I want to feel your arms embrace me when I feel like I'm falling apart. To be held up by someone rather than feel like I need to hold myself up. To let out the sadness and frustration without feeling like I'm letting out everything inside of me at the same time. To feel the warmth from you so that maybe one day I can provide it for myself. To know that you're "there" even when you aren't physically there.

You know I missed you, I also sort of missed the process. It feels like I'd been holding my breath for 10 months but now I can breathe easily again. Last weeks session was the first I can remember where I didn't get stuck or dissociate, it feels really good

Ugh. You are so ****ing beautiful. I feel like I can't or shouldn't say that to you, because I don't want to make you self-conscious or uncomfortable. Also, it's hard to justify its therapeutic value. And...it makes me feel shallow. Why should it even matter what you look like? I truly believe in human beauty being a projection of the observer's brain, one that activates when feelings of affection form. And yet, it feels like your face has always been some kind of a gold standard for me. It makes me feel like sometimes things in this insane world aline just right, into something perfect.

Rolling my eyes at myself so hard right now. KTHXBYE.

You hold a note really well Art !

I so want to text you happy birthday today. But i won't bug you while you're on vacation. I won't.

T,
My body hurts... Everything hurts. I barely have the energy to move or breathe. And my body doesn't even feel like my body... This sucks. Why can't anyone just help me? I'm 22, it can't be that hard to make me feel remotely healthy

Dear T,
Seriously, you're in your "very early" 70s?!? Please, share all of your anti-aging secrets! (Also, now I'm even more worried about you retiring!) I'd figured you were mid, maybe late 60s at most (only because I know you have kids my age).

And thanks for the session and the hug. Still too scared to ask if I could just have one every session instead of having to ask and fearing you only will allow so many. And I still feel bad about feeling more attached to MC than to you, but I'm glad you seem to understand. And I'm definitely much more attached to you than I was even 18 months ago.
Love you,
LT

Dear MC,
I kinda do want you to call, but I'm also nervous about it. And it's like, do I *need* you to call? Do I try to just save those for when I'm in a really bad place or really upset with you? But then, I mean, it's been since January, I think. I know you're going to call at the most inconvenient time possible...either right when D gets home or when I'm talking on the conference call (though I could always be like "there's a call I need to take") or when I'm on the phone with my mom or when I'm out with my mom tomorrow... Really, there's very little chance you'd call at a convenient time, unless it's like right now (you likely have patients) or on your way to work tomorrow. Or like 9 pm tonight, assuming D is being cool. And I'm sure you'd just call with no warning, as you do...

Still hope to talk to you somehow though. Because pretty much, I always want to talk to you, if there's the chance...
Love,
LT

Sigh. There's too much T. I can't do it. I can't see it.

Align. ALIGN! Argh, it drives me absolutely insane that I can't correct things like that. I know that's silly, but waaahhh, it wasn't even a typo.

I can relate LonesomeTonight. My therapist is early 70s too, and he also looks and seems much, much younger.

I think psychoanalytic therapy must be the secret to longitivity.!

(But then again, I am still seeing him through the eyes of transference enough-I told him that he still seems like a a giant teddy bear to me, when i first see him at the beginning of sessions.)

I do feel lucky my T is only 42!

Also speaking through eyes of (sometimes positive, sometimes negative) maternal transference, I always think my T is taller than she is. Then when we hugged today, it was like, "Right, you're wearing heels and about my height (5'4")." It's like I picture her as larger than life.

MC I remember is short because he references it all the time.