Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

That's so funny-me too!!

I remember when feeling really, really young once, I told my therapist "you seem SO big and strong". (he's shorter than me).

In my case, I thought it was paternal transference. Perhaps it's the eyes of a child...

I loved feeling like that in the transference and really miss it. Still have the teddy bear feelings briefly, but it felt good to experience my child self that was repressed, or frozen, at a very young age. Wish T would let me go back there and finish integrating those parts-it felt so positive.

Enjoy it while it lasts, right?

I did it t, I didn't bother you today! i did think about you a lot. About it being your birthday, and hoping that you're having a wonderful trip, and about this relationship and how maybe it's not 'us' that's changing but just 'me' that's changing all the time and and and I missed you at my session time earlier and maybe I will see you in a dream tonight. It's been awhile since you've been in one of my dreams, they're few and far between.

Dear MC,
Sorry for the e-mail, but it was short! I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I just want you to help me, and I don't want to have to be like, "OK, what percentage of time are we spending on me vs. H vs. marriage...oh, well, LT is right about to figure out something big, but she's hit her quota, so, even though H is OK with talking about her right now, time to focus on something else! Because boundaries!"
I hope you get what I'm trying to say...and it would be good to talk to you tomorrow or Friday, but my schedule is a little odd both days, so invariably you'd call when I can't talk. But maybe we can figure out a time, even if over the weekend.
--LT

T,
I don't think I want to see you anymore. It isn't safe or helpful and I see how frustrating it is for you too.
It doesn't matter.

T,
Thank you for the wonderful session! Thank you for not leaving me!

I said I see you as a protector, and you disagreed. You said you see yourself as helping me. You're right; you don't really protect me from anything. But you're like a security blanket. I FEEL protected, safe, and secure when I'm with you. You reassure me and help give me strength and courage to continue on in this world. I don't know what I'd do without you!

I love you!

In my case, I thought it was paternal transference. Perhaps it's the eyes of a child...

I loved feeling like that in the transference and really miss it. Still have the teddy bear feelings briefly, but it felt good to experience my child self that was repressed, or frozen, at a very young age. Wish T would let me go back there and finish integrating those parts-it felt so positive.

Enjoy it while it lasts, right?[/QUOTE]

I totally relate to this. This is me in every session with my T. I do love the transference feelings. I don't ever want it to go away.

I dreamt about my Grandma T. I had real hope in that dream. We talked. Just the two of us. She gave me a bug cuddle. I believed that I might have had someone. Hope. Then I woke up and remembered that my Grandma has been dead for some years now. Gutted. Absolutely gutted. Back to having nothing. To never having that. Thanks, reality. You suck. I went back to sleep, for the third time. I don't ever want to be awake again.

I'm sorry I'm not getting better any more. I'm so sad all the time I just want to die.. I seriously don't think I can take living like this any more. I don't even know if you can help

I think you should reach out to your T if you haven't already. If your T can't help, then he/she can point you to someone you can, so it's worth a try

I hope you feel better soon!

Dear T,

I am only writing this bear because I have t got anyone else to tell, not the whole story anyway. I have been struggling. Since Tuesday night when the band leader said she wasn't able to make training band and asked whether the three of us who help sometimes could lead it. It sent me into a panic. I cannot be left alone with a group of children that age. I don't trust either them or me. I don't trust them and i am scared of them, and so I can't trust myself to act reaponsibly or appropriately. I couldn't tell her this though, could I, so I just said that I could do it if the other lady was there but that if she wasn't I had a real problem, and that I was sorry but that I hoped one day I could explain. A couple if years ago I would not have had a problem doing this, I didn't have these problems that I have now, but because of this work we are doing I think things are quite different now. Before, I had shut it away, so there was only a few things in life that 'triggered' me, but now, because it is being opened up, it is all so very in my face.

When I got there, she was talking to this other lady and when they saw me they stopped talking and loomed at me and then ignored me. I know they were talking about me. I know it is weird but I can't help how I am at the minute. I wish I could 'get over it' and truth be told, I probably could, but only if 'it' is shoved back in the darkest depths of the closet again, and I know that isn't the right thing to do, no matter how much I might want to right now.

It just hurt even more to see them talking like that and then ignoring me. They have no idea how much effort and discomfort it takes for me to help with the training section, and that I only do it because they bloody well needed someone and no one else offered. I think I am angry.

So I have been struggling ever since, but today I decided to do something, and I achieved it. After a rocky start, and a false start on getting up this morning I decided to cut a hole in the bottom of my hamsters cage so that I could attach a tube between the cage and her burrow box. I had to ring my Dad to ask him how to cut plastic, because nothing I was trying was working, but I did it by myself, and I am very pleased with myself. Spurred on by my success, I moved my living room around and tidied it up properly, because sitting in a messy room only adds to my struggling.

So, I am sitting here now in a nice tidy room and am feeling a little better.

Hey.. I miss you.. I'm having fun time..

Dear R,

Your talk of goal-setting makes me nervous. We both know what I need to talk about, so why are we suddenly imposing formality on it? That's only going to make it harder, IMO. My priority is my recovery, and I need you to reassure me that I am safe in that moment where I'm so damn close to going to the place that hurts.

Of course I'm happier to talk about why I am feeling the way I am, because that's safer than actually feeling the intense pain of this. I all but watched her die many times, and they didn't spare me anything. It's going to be hard to get out, but it needs. to. come. out. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

For the love of whatever, please keep me safe whilst we're doing this work,

Lost

Dear t, why can't i sleep? I need to sleep. I'm making mistakes at work today and I'm too tired to care. What's wrong w me is it because of letting myself feel happy? It is isn't it. I should know better by now. What an idiot i am. But i want to feel happy.

For the last three years – longer, even, for some aspects- I have had no control over any aspect of my life. I have had no control over who I see, who I speak to, who sees me eat, sleep, bathe, shower, change, burp, fart, wank or pick my nose. I have had no privacy for years, and I am the shyest person I know.

I have had no control over what you say about me, or who believes it. I have had no control over my employment or who my colleagues are. I have had no control over who I have sex with, what I eat, what I do in my spare time. I have been manipulated not just every waking hour, but in my dreams also. I have no control over my drivers licence, the maintenance of my forever home, my hopes, plans and dreams for my future. You have destroyed every single, minute aspect of my life. Every plan. My ****ing pension is screwed up by you.

But for the first time in three years I have control over what goes in my body. Drugs, alcohol, food, penises (penis’s? penis’? Peni?). Its MY decision. I have control over what goes in MY body. It is not up to you what I look like. It is not up to you what I eat. It is not up to you what goes in to my body. If I want to eat 3,000 calories a day I will. If I want to pickle my innards I will. And I will relish every single one of them because NO ONE will control my appetite again. NO ONE will control what I eat, what I look like. NO ONE will control what goes in my body but me.

If a by-product of my being ‘fat and disgusting’ and ‘drinking too much’ is that those freak show body builders don’t want to rape me any more – even better! Being attractive is as far away from what I want as you can get. If I want to double my weight you will not stop me. You can body shame me, humiliate me, say, think, judge what you like. I cant control any of that. But it is MY body, and I WILL control what goes in it. I will eat, drink and smoke whatever the hell I want and nothing you say or do will influence that again.

Aw thank you that means a lot! I've told him about these thoughts before when they were bad, I'll see him Monday so we'll talk about it then

Dear MC,
You're totally calling while I'm out with my mom, aren't you? I hope you did understand that I still wanted you to call. I mean, I think "I do still want to talk, if possible" in the text and closing the e-mail with "And that's part of why I want to talk to you" should have made that clear. I'm expecting you just to respond to the e-mail saying not to worry or that it's always OK to talk about, there just has to be a balance. But there's still other stuff I want to discuss. Even if it's like Sunday, that's fine. I just hate not knowing whether to expect a call. And I"m not in a place where it's super-urgent, so don't want to text you. But I still want to chat for a few! So, talk to you soon...or perhaps not.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Why do the weeks feel so much longer at this time-slots? I've had a mostly miserable week with just a day of actual productivity. I feel so lost and can't concentrate on anything. I'm fighting bouts of depression daily.

My work is unstable. My social life is just barely. I feel crazy and disasscociated in everything. WTF.

MC,
OK, guess you didn't call while I was out with her, so I avoided having to decide whether to answer. Maybe you're not going to call me at all (whether because you're too busy or your cold got worse or you just decided not to)...but at least text or e-mail back or something within the next few days...
LT

I'm scared i quit my job. Like really scared. Because of lack of money. I have nothing saved up

T,

Sometimes when I'm driving to/from work, I do an auditory journal; I'll turn on my voice recorder and just start talking. Like my physical journal, I'll go back and review previous entries to reality check, progress check, etc.

Today on the way home I was listening to an entry from a month ago talking about how my father was emotionally absent because he saw me for the horrible mess of a person that I am. I was in the car yelling at the audio, saying that I'm not horrible, that I didn't deserve to be neglected like I was, etc.

Is this what acceptance is? Am I maybe starting to be okay with me? That frightens me; I've never liked myself before.

I feel like a budding flower right now, but I'm afraid of a late frost. Help keep me safe, please.

I'll see you on Saturday.
Daisy

MC would say that anger is better than sadness, because anger is an active rather than passive. So it seems like a good sign to me that you're at least headed in the direction of acceptance!

I am so ****ing angry with you.

Dear t,
I know you deserve a vacation, but the two weeks will crawl by for me. I am also dreading the every other week schedule I agreed to. What was I thinking? I need you.

I have to cancel on you again. Noooooo!

I have to get oral surgery on my lip on the same day. *fun fun*

I mean, I could try to see you too, but I have a feeling I won't be able to move my mouth and I don't know sign language. But I could be a mime. Miming seems fun. I'll probably feel drunk, though. Drunk mime? yay!

Dear Dr. S,
Found new book, pretty much explains everything. Who does duck think bear is? Who does duck even love, when duck isn't even listening to bear?

You listen, you wait for me to talk, you want to understand - thank you.
I love you. me.