Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

T,
I've relapsed into my eating disorder again, but how am I supposed to tell you when you don't even know that I had an eating disorder in the first place? I mean, I hinted at it vaguely, but we haven't ever talked about it. And I want to talk to you about it, but I don't want help. I want to lose and lose and lose. I just want to talk to you about it. But I'm afraid you'll make me go to the hospital, or terminate with me, because what's the point of having a therapy client who doesn't even want to get better?
I probably won't even tell you.
Annie

Dear T.

I don't feel very talkative today. I am just so used to sitting with my thoughts, alone. Learning to talk to you feels like learning to quit an addiction. Sometimes it goes well, I feel strong and positive. Other times the effort is so great that it feels like the hardest thing I ever had to do. Sometimes I just can't be bothered, because I know I will never be completely free of the desire anyway. But overall I know it is for the best, so I try and try and try, and there are setbacks and I fall but I do get back up again, because getting back up is what I do.

I wonder what will happen in 20 minutes. I wonder how much you will see and hear. I wonder if can let some of this be free. But then, is it freer out or in? I haven't an answer to that question yet. I still do feel like changing is giving up who I am. Keeping things to myself is so fundamental to my being that giving that up, giving that away means that I won't be me anymore. That's scary.

Why does it hurt? I miss you already.
I couldn't concentrate today, I felt bad. Maybe that's because I don't eat.

Please, ask me about my meds next time, I can't tell that myself...

And your eyes are fantastic, you know?

Dear MC,
Sorry I'm so needy. It's just when I keep randomly crying, I know I'm not OK. And I'm hoping talking to you might make that better. If you don't have time or don't want to, OK, but please don't leave me hanging. Like reply to my text and let me know that at some point (I'm sure you're in session right now).
Love,
LT

T,

In a way, I'm glad you agree with me. That my parents look happy and like they really care and love me on those pictures. In another way I feel even more guilty now. It's unfair to them that I feel the way I do. It's unfair to anyone who experienced bad things.

I wish I could tell you. Could have told you.

I feel dizzy now. I only had one drink, but then, I haven't eaten all day. BF is on vacation. I'm alone. Alone and empty. I probably won't be able to cope without SH today. Sorry

Dear T,

So, there was a lot in that email and I don't expect you to have answers or to reply to all of it. It just felt right to send it. I emailed Old T too, for some advice. She is very experienced and I hope that she has come across this before, that she has some words of wisdom.

This is really starting to become an issue for me because I actually want to talk to you. I didn't really have that desire before, so I guess I thought maybe that played a part in it, but I do now. For the first time in my life I actually want to talk to someone and yet I still can't. That's annoying.

Anyway. Thank you T, for caring, for being patient and consistent and for generally being you.

Do you think all of your upsetedness (not a word I'm sure) is bc of MC? It seems if you are not doing well, that you should contact your T?

(NOT judging, I swear)

Dear MC,
Thanks for the call--you're awesome. And amazingly, called at a time when I had nothing else going on. You sounded sad for a minute there when you were talking about when your daughter was a baby (I think because you used "we" in there, referring to your wife...) and how she needed the bottle right that second. (Also, the visual of you giving a baby a bottle is just really adorable...) Was amused by the rollercoaster story, too (was expecting you to tap into a different one there). Really, it just helped hearing your voice and having you be understanding of what I'm trying to figure out. I really think you dealt with a void, too...
Love you,
LT

Don't worry, not feeling judged. And yeah, technically, you're right, that if I'm not doing well I should contact her. It's more that I keep having periods of doing well, thinking I'm fine, then suddenly I'm not. So not like a continual state of crisis or in any danger. I have e-mailed T a couple times since our session Wed., too.

As for reaching out to MC, it was partly that he'd already agreed to talk, and there were a few things I wanted to clarify with him (that T couldn't help me with). Plus he just has a way of talking about things that tend to help me with times where I'm upset but not entirely clear why. He did call me a little bit ago, and we talked for about 20 minutes, which helped. Will type that up at some point (I actually took a few notes!)

Hey t. Just thinking about you because i was thinking about what my next assignment is going to be (will find out when i get home and log onto my class) and that made me think about you cuz i can't wait to tell you I'm doing it! Come on, wednesday...

I'm intrigued. What do you want to show me? If this is a ploy to make sure I come back, then it worked! I was going to anyway, but I won't miss it now. I am also intrigued as to which of my thoughts you want to think about.

Dear t, I really don't like you, I tried my best but we are not bonding. I get the impression you don't like me or understand me.

Dear T,

Seriously. Do you read this forum? How did you know exactly what I needed to hear? Sometimes your sessions are like a gas station on a very long desert road. How do you do that? I love you so much. There, I said it.

That being said that thing you did will have to be redone again because the thing I said would probably happen, did. But I'll be patient and talk to you about that next week.

loveLove you.
WIP

Dear Old T,

I hope it was OK to email. I hope that you are able to offer some sort of insight or advice. I don't get this much from New T, and mostly that is absolutely fine, but I really need some help on this one because.....because I do.

Thanks in advance,

Me

Dr S, I am debating on emailing you. Just missing you is all. I have 1.5 hours to decide then you are off for the weekend. me

I remember what you asked. I remember my response.
What do you think of that? Are you overwhelmed? Did you ask it again to check the reaction? For clarification? In case I had misheard?
Do you feel helpless? Hopeless? Way out of your depth? Or do you think it can't be true? Was I just a little experiment on your part?

You should never have left it like that right before your vacation. I am angry. I am hurt. I do not trust you.

I'm feeling grief and loss now , I'm glad those are your areas.

I was able to find the phases of trauma recovery that you discussed a few sessions ago. You were right. I did find it interesting. I fluctuate somewhere between mourning and reconnection. I'm not sure what this means.

Also, I can't believe I forgot about our appointment tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, though!

Not feeling it, T1. I don't know if it is due to my general sense of people being dangerous or due to me being gone next week. But right now, I'm thinking you are an idiot. How's that for unusual!

You suggested text check ins, but now I am wishing that I didn't text today.

I'm mad, confused, hurt, fed up, defensive, protective. That's a lovely way to start a vacation. Not. I guess I'd better figure out what I want/need from you and tell you. But I wish you would figure that out for me.

Part of me want to tell you to **** off.

Hi T i miss you

Hi daisy, if you found the phases online can you share the links. Thanks

Sure! I poured over quite a bit of the website last night. Very informative. http://trauma-recovery.ca/recovery/p...auma-recovery/

Hiya t..I'm writing here cuz they say drunk emailing t is bad thing. I want to write you to say I love you. I've Said It sober so does it matter that I'm feeling fuzzy...I do love you...for whatever it's worth.

T,
I miss you. Usually people on PC miss their T's when they're on vacation, but I'm the one who's going on vacation! So it's my fault. But I'm nervous about my trip. I'd rather just stay home and have a session with you.
Today, I feel ready to talk to you about my ED. But two weeks from now, who knows? I'll probably chicken out and never get the help I need.
Please, oh please be able to read my mind next time I see you...
Annie