Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear MC,
Why do I feel nervous about seeing you today? We're probably just going to talk about H and I not being on same page about discipline for D.

Maybe it's because you showed up in my dream again last night--which is the second dream you've shown up in over the past week? Actually, now that I think about it, you may have been in 2 dreams last night...definitely not telling you about one of them!

Or maybe I want to be able to tell you about my big realization re: your wife and my mom, but know I shouldn't but am concerned I'll slip and say it?

See you in a little over an hour (I hope--I hate how I always worry about there being some reason to cancel, whether from our end or yours...).

Love,
LT

Dear T,

i sometimes wonder what it is that you see in me?
you keep telling me that I can do this, that i can pull through the pits of despair, whenever I'm desperate and close to giving up. And you seem to really mean it. Which i find intriguing.
And then you said, that maybe for now it could be enough to let just you believe in me. And to let this carry me until i find the faith in myself again.
I'm quite scared. And yet it was good to hear your words.

cr.

Dear T,

I wonder what I will bring tomorrow. There is a lot, and I know we can't cover it all in an hour. I don't know whether I will decide or just see what happens. My guess is that if I don't decide, nothing will get brought up because I will be (insert a word or feeling that I can't think of) by the fact that there is too much and I will see time slipping away.

Things on my list.

I want to give you a folded up piece of paper with the words "I love you" on it. To see how it feels giving this to you. To see how it feels you having that but not responding to it. To see if I trust that you won't open it.

I want to talk about my weight with you. It has always been an issue. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Always self conscious. Always a battle, a struggle. But, again, I have decided to do something about it, and I thought it might be useful to talk about this all with you.

I want to talk about the anger I have towards my school and the counsellors and doctors I had back then. I want to talk about how I feel they helped me destroy my life when they should have helped me repair it. I want to talk about the letter I want to write.

I want to show you the scrapbook I made of my life, all the pictures, all the (very few) memories. I want you to see all of the missing years. I want to be sad about all of the missing years and what that meant.

I want to show you the scrapbook of H and my holiday around the world, and the photos I have from when i was in the Navy. I want to show you a different side of me. I want you to see what I became, what I managed to achieve. You only see such a small part of me.

I want to talk about my 'friend' and the group I went to on Saturday. I want to tell you how it went. I want to show you that I am pleased. That I did it. That it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but also that I did ignore what had gone on, and so did she.

I want to talk about how up and down the weekend with H home was. I want to talk about how fed up I was at one point vs how happy I was at another. I want to share what I did on Sunday, something which I would have struggled to do before. I want to share how it was awkward but a step in a direction. (Not sure if it's the right direction for me or not yet).

I want to do another 'feelings' exercise. To get some of those words out in the open.

I want to get some more feeling words on that diagram. I want to move forwards in this area. I need this.

So yeah, lots and lots and lots to talk about, and right now I have no idea what I will actually bring. I just hope I can bring some of it, and that doing so doesn't lead to me being disconnected from you, because I don't like that.

I didn't get to see you tonight due to the road closures and talking on the phone didn't work. I feel sick and tired and have the strangest feeling I want to burst.

T

T-

Why do you have to be gone this week of all weeks??? Is it next Monday yet??

The answer to your question is I keep coming back because I don't know how to leave. also because of the something that I don't the name of the feeling that makes me feel I exist and not just a figment of someone's imagination.

I'm alone in the universe, T. No one cares about me. Not even you. Why would you? Why would anyone?

I know you can't help me with this, but I really wish you could.

Dear MC,
Well, if you didn't think I was pathetic before, you will after reading the addendum to my earlier e-mail. And eesh, I've sent you two (related!) e-mails within 8 hours after seeing you. Sorry...
Love,
LT

Dear CW,

I think I am getting sick again. Actually, I'm pretty sure. But I don't want to tell anyone about it (irl, obviously).

ATAT

Dear Dr. S,

I hope I didn't hurt you with my statement today about what I thought you might think about the transference. I hope you understand that without you giving me any input, all possibilities are available. I did mean it when I said thank you for your patience around it. You are the best. I love you. See you on Wednesday, me

M.

The Little One.

I'm hearing that she needs to grieve the loss of never having what her heart so longed for and still longs for.

It's too much. She can't gather it up to acknowledge it. To let go of it. She will shatter. It's all she's been since she came to be.

It's too much.

She doesn't want that.

It's running in circles in my mind.

I know I've been in places like this before. This one is really hard for me and for her.

Thank you for helping me sort this out tonight. It's brought me to this point, but it's a good point. It doesn't feel good but that's ok.

Good progress and insight never feels comfortable.

Thank you!!

T,
Sorry for emailing so much. Sorry for calling. Sorry for being a failure.

Tomorrow T! Missed you, but it hasn't dragged like usual.

Hi R,

I'm feeling overwhelmed, two days before our next meeting. My head is spinning...I can't decide whether I need to block this out with music, or ride it out some other way. It's mental static all over again, and the only way through is going to hurt like hell. I know I'm strong enough to do this, but the temptation to just stuff it down - like always - is strong.

It's your job, R, to 'make sure I keep drinking this potion, even if you have to force it down my throat. Understood?'

We will do this together...and I know it's just the beginning of the process, but in many ways it's the most important part.

Dear breathing-something-woman(-T?)

You are weird. What you do is weird. Your job is weird.

You know that there's something called mirroring? People do it all the time, mostly unconsciously.
You didn't do that at all. And you were dead serious during those 60minutes while I was laughing and smiling all the time.

I do like you though, so... I guess you'll be stuck with me too now.

You're not a failure! You're dealing with a lot right now and doing great.

I don't want to grow up. It is rubbish. I want to always be little and I want you to hold me and play with toys with me. Forever. I don't like this one little bit.

Hmm t. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

So i basically overdosed yesterday.. Was vomiting and my legs and arms were shaking incontrollably.. Like to the point i couldn't walk

Really scared me and woke me up.. I'm ready now... To stop this. Madness

That's really scary...are you going to tell your T? You see him tomorrow, right? Please be safe...

(((JD)))

Yes i will be telling him tomorrow

I think I am really quite angry with you and hurt by your words. I don't know whether to email you with this or not.

Find that email in your inbox T.