Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

He still hasn't written back then? :/
Hang in there... can you talk with your T about it soon? (Sorry if I missed anything...)

Thanks for the support No, hasn't written back, though he tends to take a couple days on e-mails sometimes--texts tend to be within hours or a day though. I just know he's off tomorrow and Friday, I think for a family thing, so if I don't hear back today, I assume it wouldn't be till the weekend (he does often respond then), if at all. I'm just always afraid he'll glance at it quickly, then forget to respond. Or in this case, not respond because he's annoyed or frustrated with me (even though he'd probably deny it). I'll just try to keep telling myself he's probably too busy, and that's the only reason he isn't responding...

I see my T in an hour and a half, so will definitely be talking to her about it!

Dear t,

Technically you are a trauma t but I've been having a major autism problem this week. You said you don't think I have autism but you are wrong, I have received that diagnosis from multiple professionals. Anyway, I'm kind of nervous to bring this issue up because I feel like you won't understand or know how to help me because this isn't your training. I'm afraid you'll say this is a trauma center we only do trauma here. I've had autism ts in the past but they didn't understand trauma. I'm beginning to feel like I need one t for autism and one t for trauma but I'm not thrilled at the idea of having 2 appointments a week or paying more to get another t. I really hope this isn't goodbye but I'm secretly worried you are going to refer me out. Maybe my fear is illogical, I don't know.

Dear Dr. S,
dammit I can't stop thinking, focusing on you being gone and on you in general. It is starting to piss me off. All I want to do is sit and avoid the world. I need to be able to put it aside. Ugh!
Love, me

The other day I found myself looking up the cases of T's in the area that had their license taken away, mostly for inappropriate relationships with clients. I think that, on top of reading a lot of stuff on here recently, is making me nervous about our relationship even though there is nothing to worry about. I'm afraid of emailing you now because I don't want it to become too much even though we have a good understanding of both of our expectations around it. Sometimes I think that I rely on you and think about you too much to the point that it hurts more than helps but that's the only way I can get somewhere with someone, get attached. You keep saying that attachment isn't bad, it's a good thing but that the way it consumes me is the unhealthy part. You do a great job setting and holding your boundaries and I have my own but I don't want to slip up and ruin it.

Maybe I need to take a break from the forums for a bit so I stop worrying so much...I need more to do at work so that I don't get bored now that it's summer. That's what leads me here :/

I have had this urge the last two days. The urge to actually talk to you about things. I can't promise it will happen though. Actually, if I listen to myself I don't think it will happen, but the want is there, which is a step forward.

And something that has come up a couple of times for me is that I would love to sit down with you one day and have an intellectual conversation about the theory of the human mind, but that time isn't right now. That time may never come. That isn't what I am paying you for. Heart, heart, heart, as you put it, yes.

Sorry for holding you up at the end of your work day. Not sure if you were expecting to see my crying hot mess of a self on your porch. I had been there for over an hour. The voices said they'd let u know I was there. Then they say you didn't want to see me and I should go kill myself. I also felt like a stalker

Thanks talking with me and helping me and supporting me and saying you were glad I showed up there

Dear MC,
I love you. And I don't want to leave you. Let's figure out a way to make this work. OK? Please?
--LT

And sorry for totally failing on my whole "no more e-mails or texts this week" thing. But all you literally need to say is "It's OK." That's all I want to know. Just freaking out a bit after T today, but I don't want to go into all that with you. I know you have your daughter's graduation tomorrow (though that's because T told me). Just 2 words, OK? Or hey, even a thumbs-up emoji would do.

Dear T,
I finally figured it out. I idolize you because I want to be you when I grow up. I want to have gone through some **** and be able to be a reasonably competent adult because I worked through it all. Part of me wants to be a T, but really I want to be a school psychologist. But we're so similar in so many ways. You are the avatar of what I could be if I am able to process through my trauma. Now, let's just hope that we can get our stuff sorted out when I see you on Saturday.

Daisy

T-

Your suggestion was unhelpful.

You OK and safe now, JD? Glad your T was there to support you.

please please please please pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

Dear MC,
Thanks for the detailed e-mail and the apology. You're awesome, even though you're not perfect. And congrats on your daughter's graduation and the award T said she got today--I'm sure you helped raise her to be an amazing person.
Love you. So much.
LT

I'm starting to the feel the exhaustion from all the emotions. I can't shut anything off no matter how hard I try to distract myself, journal, or whatever. It. Won't. Stop. Please care about this... Please care about me...

Dear CW,

You know, when you say you're worried about me making a complaint against you, you're first of all questioning my right to my one legal protection as a client against any wrongdoing by you, and then you're suggesting the previous complaint was somehow frivolous, like I just go around dropping complaints on therapists, and third you're not recognizing at all what filing that complaint means to me (sticking up for myself and my right to be treated with respect and professionalism), and fourth you are diminishing the experience I went through that caused the complaint. It's that not-so-rare feat, the therapeutic golden sombrero!

Yeah, we're done. Maybe not right now, but we're done. There is absolutely no point in discussing this with you, because based on previous experience you will shilly-shally and BS me and then pull some sob story out to justify your behavior or feelings. You probably don't even remember the conversation. How convenient.

ATAT

I am not a game piece to be played in some kind of power, ego, trip. Get your act together and come to the table with a full deck. If you are straight with me, I'll be straight with you. My faith in the psych field and in others has been brutally shaken.

thank you !!!

Hi R,

I braved the cinema again on Tuesday night, with a friend and a family member. We'd planned months ago to go and see The Shack, an adaptation of one of my favourite books.



When I first read it in 2011, it helped me. Now everything's done a 180. I sat through the first half of the film thinking 'Who the hell am I holding it together for?' I still don't know the answer to that one.

I'd warned my friend that I would probably cry, but still didn't expect it to actually happen. Towards the end of the film, there was a scene and a song which finally undid me. I cried, I wept, I sobbed...my friend grabbed my hand as soon as she heard me dissolve.

We got home, and the family member started on 'It's in the past, and the past cannot be changed...' To say that it's in the past is to misunderstand my current situation. You and I need to have the conversation about the medical details to lay that to rest. Please don't let me walk away from that.

See you on Thursday, I hope.

Yes I am okay

Dear T,
Had another freakout moment but I did the right thing to take care of myself. I didn't isolate. I got out with friends. I accepted affection and kindness. I wish I could have texted you in that brief moment of success. I thought how proud you might be.
-WIP

T,

My dad hates my bf. But he seems to like him more than me. Does that mean he hates me too?

I hugged him and his wife for goodbyes. He said not do overdo it. She pushed away.
I feel bad.

Dr. S,

I am mad at you today (right now). I think you keep too much to yourself. I want to know what you were planning to do, if anything. I think it is nothing. I think you were not going to anything to help me even though I had told you that I wanted you to do something that left me feeling taken cared of. I think if I ask you you won't tell me.

I don't think I trust you right now. I don't think I believe you. Something inside says you lied to me.

-me

Dear T,
That thing you said yesterday about how I keep saying I think I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough...and then you said you didn't think so--that really hurt me. Couldn't you have some faith that I know what's going on in my own mind? And the fact that you acted like that revelation I'd had about my dad's best friend dying when I was 2 was nothing...I mean, you almost sounded disgusted when you mentioned it again yesterday, like, how could i possibly think that was important?

Are you just tired of dealing with me? And the fact that I can seem better for a while, but then slip back into anxiety or depression rather than having a direct curve toward growth and improvement? I certainly can't be your only client like that. It's called having mental health issues... I know you would say it's because you're concerned you're not helping me...but maybe you're just frustrated? That your methods aren't working on me like they worked on other clients? That you haven't been able to completely fix me?

I guess I'll wait to see if anything changes after you talk with MC. Though, since you'll likely be retiring soon anyway, probably wouldn't hurt for me to start T-shopping...just to see what's out there. I think I need a different approach.

LT

MATT,

i am SPAZZING out . WHAT GIVES??????????????

should i go to the hospital, like i just DONT KNOW anymore.

me

If you're not sure, I'm thinking that means you should go. Please be safe...contact your T, too.