Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

It's like when I'm coming home, and I'm so tired, and the last few metres are the worst, almost unbearable, and I'm so close and yet I feel like just giving up and sitting down on the pavement.

That last little bit is always the hardest.

I'd be so ashamed if you ever saw how melodramatic I am about you.

Tuesday is feeling like forever away. Sometimes I wish we were friends instead so it wouldn't be so weird to reach out at weird hours if I needed it

I'm fully in adolescent mode this evening, which as you know sucks. Took a sleeping pill and pondering add ons should they become necessary. Can't see you for another week.

Dear CW,

Ever since our session Tuesday I have been struggling with much greater urges to sh.

I haven't done it. I hope they will pass. Whether my newfound fear, that any professional who learns I made a complaint against an amoral and unethical psychiatrist will then treat me differently, possibly to my detriment, will pass is up in the air. My thanks for instilling that idea in me. And they say therapists shouldn't give gifts to clients.

Your memory loss is awfully convenient - it must really help with that therapists forgetting how they can hurt clients thing.

ATAT

I feel like a shelter animal on death row.

ATAT - I am really sorry about CW. I think it was awful what she said. It is great that you have been able to resist the urges to behave in a detrimental way. It is so easy to fall back into not the best coping mechanisms when faced with these types of set backs. As hard as it is, you are holding it together. hugs

You keep talking about your child. That's heartbreaking. I'm so jealous. I know it's stupid...

Dear T,
I'm feeling progressively more upset with you the more I think about some of what you said Wednesday. I'm feeling invalidated and pathologized. And also worried about what you and MC will talk about. I suspect you'll be in there saying how you're worried about me and think I'm a mess of obsessive thinking and anxiety, and he'll say how he thinks I'm generally doing OK and that I'm just doing some difficult work. Just based on what you've each said to me in the past when I was struggling. I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle.

But I doubt I'd be as concerned if I felt better about how my session with you went. Part of why I sent you that e-mail is to show how I am functioning--signing up for and going to the yoga class, talking to H about what's going on...OK, maybe sending that brief text to MC could have been seen as needy/dysfunctional, at least by you, but his response calmed me and made me feel better about what had been said in the last session with him. Sure, yeah, I could have reached out to you instead, but, based on how Wednesday's session went, you probably would have just made me feel worse.

Maybe you're the one I really need to walk away from. Because you're not so much helping me find solutions on how to deal with the MC stuff, but just making me feel worse about myself because of it. And I don't think a therapist should be making me feel worse about myself... It's one thing to make me look at my thought patterns and actions and see how they're contributing and consider how I could change them. But you mostly just made me feel like I'm more messed up than even I thought I was. And invalidated what I thought were some insights about myself and my childhood. And I don't see how those things are helpful or therapeutic...

LT

P.S. I love you

And thank you for singing songs of my favorite band

Dear T,
Sorry for the harsh e-mail, but I'm just being honest. I need you to know how those things you said hurt me. See, I'm standing up for myself--that's progress, right?
LT

Thank you for swearing

Ugh, I'm sorry you now are worried about offending future professionals will treat you differently. I want to say CW is being extremely dense in her response, and not everyone will react the same. I hope that is true.

This. I was super anxious about cursing in front of my T, so it was awesome that he dropped the F bomb first.

Dr. S,

I'm mostly back to loving you and some missing you. This has been too long. I don't remember what you look like. I don't remember what it felt like, just that it felt different and better to see you. I'm not sure what things will be come Monday. 3 days left. I don't have the urge to email you anymore because you are gone. Maybe it is best if you stay gone. I'll miss you but I'll get over it. If you come back, I will hurt again.
-me

PS - I looked around for another T today. I found one I think I might want to go see.

I wuv yew mattie

Do you love me, T? Is that what you were trying to say today? Will you ever say it. Will I ever say it? I nearly wrote it at the bottom of the email. I love you T.

Hi T,

I'm becoming manic. I'm debating on whether or not I should let it happen or nip it in the bud.

My last therapist loved when I was manic, btw. I remember talking about how Chinese lo mein goes well with milk (it really doesn't), and how cookies "should be dipped in prune juice for maximum flavor". I really believed it and I tried it. Lol. I gagged and almost puked... and then almost sh_t myself from the prune juice

Dear T,

Today did not go well and I do not want to come back. I want to run. Run from you, run from H, run from the world. If it weren't for my kids I would probably be gone right now. I want to email you about this but I feel like I can't even do that. I know you and H were trying to lighten the mood but I feel like I was being mocked about my issues when it comes to emailing..... I'm not sure that is something I can ever do again now.

Sigh.

I just want to give up.

Hugs... Is there anything we can do to help? Here if you want to talk about anything... You see your T individually and as a MC? Maybe you could talk with him about feeling mocked? He shouldn't judge you... And it's a good thing to reach out, nothing to make fun of anyway.

Thanks. I'm not even sure what I need at this point. I do see him as a MC and individually. There has always been a fair amount of joking and teasing in his office and I'm sure today it was ment that way but I am touchy about the email thing. I should bring it up but I struggle with verbalizing things....

I hope when I see u on Sunday you think I am better

I'm sorry...there tends to be lots of joking around with my MC too, and it's usually OK, but not when I really need to be serious. Like this past session, when I wasn't done talking about something that was bothering me, and MC and H were joking around about something else that came out of what we'd talked about. I had to basically be like, "hey, I'm not done yet!"

But I'm really sorry your session went this way. When do you see him individually? Maybe try to address it then?

Thanks. I see him on Monday by myself. I'm very angry at him (and H, and myself, and the world) right now and can feel myself pulling away from everyone again. I'm going to have to address a lot next week I think.