Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Thank you for being so patient with me, you are more patient with me than I am.

I need more from you than what you've been giving me lately.

roboT,

You said you wanted to do more memory work with me? Then buckle up, buttercup. I'm ready to figure out if the memory was planted.

That is, assuming that I don't walk out after we discuss our last session. We'll know in less than 12 hours.

Daisy

I am not doing well.

Hugs....

Dear L

I got a lot of things done today. But one of the things I got done was That Thing.

Too bad I don't see you for two weeks and I'll probably forget to mention it by then. Anyway whether or not you end up knowing it happened, you were right, I feel better.

Dear CW, I am torn between just firing you by email, with a long letter about your mind-boggling number of screw-ups in just one session, or bringing said letter to session and see if I can make you squirm. (I suspect I can't - that would require you to have the capacity for self-reflection.)

Btw, if you want to be able to complain that a client has a low opinion of therapists, you probably shouldn't then turn around and enforce that low opinion in the same session.

Tata,
ATAT

LT,

Your concerns are valid, and you are ABSOLUTELY right that if a therapist is making you feel worse, maybe you ought to look elsewhere. My struggle is usually that I make excuses or hope for the best or somehow idealize them for way too long. If that's the case here, I'm so glad!

I felt like I needed to note here, though, that as I read through your post, for some reason it struck me with memories of my bipolar depressive episodes when suddenly my perception changes. My husband or my journals are usually where I come across something and realize - oh, I wasn't feeling like this three weeks ago.... Then I know that it's not really real. I've even had times where I felt like you wrote above with my current therapist - January and February this year - that were really bad and every week I considered quitting therapy with him. My husband and mom reminded me how well he knows me, how much he's helped, etc. As the episode continued, the things my mind was telling me also changed. With your suspicions of bipolar and that you've sounded down the last few days or week, and then this post struck me so strongly, I'm concerned at how you are being affected. That said, I know you will be careful about making big decisions like leaving T right now without giving it at least a couple weeks.

T,

My loving feelings towards you are so very pathetic. Because I'm worthless, my feelings towards you are pathetic and laughable.

I dreamt about you just now. How convenient that it usually happens the night before session. You had a teenage client show up with their mom to your office about 2/3 of the way through my session. The child was in crisis, so you asked me to wait in the waiting room while you talked to child and mom. So I did. The kid came out into the waiting room and we played Solitaire while you talked to their mom alone. Then mom comes out, the child and I hug, exchange PC usernames, and they're on their way.

I go back into your office while you go to the restroom. I'm sitting in my spot when you return and you look at me bewildered. "Weren't we done?"

I replied, "you asked me to wait."

Then you say, "no, I'm pretty sure our session was finished."

So I stand up and I say, "you know what? I'm done. Just take me off of your books. I don't want to come back."

Your reply? "OK."

And then I woke up. I'm pretty I understand the dream, but I think it's a way for me to start talking about my dissatisfaction about therapy lately in a safer way. It's not what I wanted to dwell on, but it's obviously bothering me more than I want to admit.

6 hours and 15 minutes...

Daisy

((QM)) You are not worthless. Your feelings are not pathetic and laughable. You are very much deserving of love.

I've come to a point where I don't want to tell people some things you've said, because they judge you when I do. I feel protective of you. That's ****ed up. I know this, and yet my stomach does these stupid little flips, when I think of you. And I still crave for your approval and validation and affection like my life depends on it. I know it doesn't, not really. I have been through enough bs in life to know better. I'm so damn angry at you. And you. Don't. Get it. Shouldn't you get it? Why don't you get it? Shouldn't you be able to accept and hold my feelings without judgment? Even the angry ones? Haven't I given you all the tools to help me? And why do I want you? Why can't I stop? Are you just pushing my buttons or do you not know what you're doing? Or am I messed up enough to not understand you? Please, please step up. Yes, I want all the things from you. That's been made clear. But it doesn't matter. I expect just one. Do your job.

I'm not really that fragile. I've got thick skin and an elastic heart. What do you have? Show me. Do your part. Please.

Why does your profession seem to attract so many crazy assholes. None of you people really have a clue what you are doing. I just wish you would admit it.

This is hilarious, I nearly fell off my seat laughing. Cheered me up anyway!

Ur the bestest

Dear T,

Out of all of the many times I have seen you at school or dance events, today was hard. Today was the first time that I wanted to not be at the auditorium. I didn't want to be talking to your wife, I just wanted to being talking to you in your office. And now, after only 5hrs of being out and interacting in public, I am back home hiding in my room. Thinking about how many hours I have to wait until everybody is in bed and I can cut again.

Stop testing me. Trust goes both ways. Its not the thought that counts.

I've got a mission.

Also, whenever I have said that I am worried that I am emailing you too much you always say no I am not don't worry about it. Well, could I get like some kind of number? I just feel like it is too much, and I don't want it to go from being allowed to email you too much and then all of a sudden I am in session and we are having a conversation about how I email you too much. I would like to have like a well defined line.

I suppose you don't mind because I think if you thought I was emailing too much you would perhaps suggest going to two times a week until I get more stable, but I really doubt you have room in your schedule for that right now.

Can you tell I am thinking about emailing your right now??

I made you a card. I want to give it to you when I see you next. Don't stop me feeling the hurt, because like we said it is the grief that I should have processed years ago but didn't get a chance to.

This song I am going to play you, if I can find a copy before we meet, is a song that I can't really put a dialogue yo. It's like an internal feeling, and this song sums that up for me. I guess if I had to say something, it would be that when it was near the end......no, I can't, because that isn't right. It wasn't then, it wasn't then and it isn't now, but it is a mish mash of all of it summed up in one song. All ages. All times. Longing. Loss. Desperation. Learning. Realisation. Heartbreak.

That last one. My heart was literally breaking back then, and I had no control. I was powerless, trapped. My body just flinched writing that. Powerless. I had no choice. That's a pretty common theme in my life from my early days, isn't it. Is it any wonder then that I struggle to be not in control now, then. As soon as I had the chance I took that control and kept it all to myself, vowing never again to be in a position in life when I could be so desperate and yet so powerless. It made me the strong, capable person that I am now, but it went too far the other way.

I think that you think that the early abuse was the main driver for my struggles, and maybe it was, but that isn't where the feelings lie for me. They come at a later age. At the age when I so desperately wanted things to be different yet could not find a way. Nothing worked.

I can't convey to you the strength of those emotions back then, but I can assure you that I felt them at the time. They are stored. I am not so sure that the earlier ones are accessible, but these ones might be, and who knows what doors they could open into the past. I think this is worth exploring, sharing.

All this from a card, huh!?

I am doing better. I still think that we might be limited in as far as we can go.

Ugh.. so, I emailed again.. I last initiated an email 4 days ago- then we had a brief exchange of short emails. I think before then it was a week. I am sooooo afraid I am too much.

OMG are you my twin?! LOL

I don't even email that much but even if I email 1x, I think it's too much and he is always ok with it. I wanna smack myself sometimes

BTW, I love your icon! Best movie

I don't see how you could live with yourself. It must be hard to sleep and function without a heart. Seems like you have lots of company or have convinced many others to be as cold as you. How sad for them and their families.

Do you enjoy brainwashing people? I suppose it gives you some kind of power trip.

I can't believe you told me to give up my dreams. It made me feel worthless and hopeless. I'm struggling and I can't trust you to help me.