Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I tried to get MC to give me a number once, for e-mails and other outside contact. Of course he wouldn't give me one. He just said if something crossed the line into too much, he'd let me know, but it hasn't so far. And even if I contacted him too much, he said he'd just have a conversation with me about it, not ban outside contact or terminate or something. Which...helped a little I guess? But I like having rules, too. I suspect your T also won't give you a number--I think it's a T thing to respond like that.

Are you really that selfish to destroy my family to empower yourself??

I don't know. I don't think anyone - certainly not members of your legendarily obtuse profession - understands how fragile I still am. So I don't know if I'm up to our planned "discussion." Because I think you'll think your need, however unconscious, to maintain your positive self-image at all costs - ego whatchamacallit - will overcome any potential concern for me.

(Not sure whether I'm addressing CW or 3 here. It applies to both, but the last sentence much more to CW.)

u... are amazing. for reals.

ME

Don't waste
Your time
On me
You're already a
Voice
Inside my head

Dear T,

Thank you for your response. I wish I could tell you everything that is on my heart. Afraid I would be too much. Former T's voice in my head. Why can't I hang on to your voice?

T,

I'm paranoid... like really paranoid. I don't know what to do.

I see you on Tuesday. I hope you don't hate me still... because you were certainly reluctant to set up future appointments. Will we be able to see each other again? I hope you don't stop seeing me. I shouldn't have ranted about one of your colleagues... I mean, when I asked for a future appointment, I still remember you saying "maybe"

Dear T,
You said you didn't get my other e-mail. Did you literally not get it? or did you just not read it because you're out of town? Trying to figure out if I can amend it a bit to be less harsh before I re-send it tomorrow, when you'll be back in town. Guess it might make sense to just send it as it was, especially because I still feel most of those things...
LT

Dear T,

17 hours to go until I see you and I am terrified. I am so scared to tell you what is on my mind and in my heart lately but I am even more scared to let it keep festering. It feels like a lot, like too much for me to conquer. I don't know that you are even going to be able to help me work through this.....

Please don't give up on me.

We went in the ocean yesterday. Now I'm drowning.



Save me.

hang in there DAISY

I keep having this nightmare where I leave your office in tears and walk right into a wedding procession, get my picture taken, and turn to you for help, but you stand in your doorway, confused and unable to save me.

Oh no, wait. This actually happened.

And I still cannot believe it. But you won't hear me say another word about it because for whatever reason, I feel like therapy is the last place I want to be.

T, I have an appointment with you this week but I am very conflicted about it. Part of me wants to cancel, part of me wants to go and be brutally honest.
I am going to try to be brave.

I can't tell you how much I resent the people who TOOK FROM MY LIFE.
They didn't need to, they were not poor, they were not underprivileged.
The only reason they TOOK FROM ME WAS SELFISHNESS.

Now I am WITHOUT.

How do you think I feel???

Dear M

It feels silly to say something like this but... thanks for stroking my hair when you hugged me last time. It seemed like a big deal to me when you did it but I couldn't figure it out, it was just a natural thing you did in the moment, and if my students are hugging me and crying I do the same with them... but then I remembered growing up and wanting my hair played with and my mom always saying "not now" or just doing a half-hearted pat which made me sad more than anything, and then later with partners who also refused: "I'm tired," "it's stupid that you want that," "stop asking." My mom made me have all my hair cut off specifically so she didn't have to spend time on it and I used to measure it every morning in the mirror, waiting for it to grow back, and then she'd take me in again to have it chopped off. I got called awful names for having a short, ugly haircut... from second grade all the way til I graduated. My sisters were allowed to have longer hair because theirs was thinner and didn't tangle like mine did.

So I guess hair is a big deal to me. It's messy (long now), never quite right, falls out when I'm stressed. But when you touched it I felt less ugly and subhuman for a moment. It was a nice, safe feeling.

The funny thing is that the night before I went in to see you, I dreamt a lot of my hair fell out again and I'd have to put it up in a twist so no one would notice as much. It was so real that I woke up and thought, damn, I need to leave enough time to figure out a good way to put my hair up before I go to M's....

Dear group T,

I really don't feel like coming to group tomorrow. My weekend sucked. I just want to hide, and not have to deal with people, ever again. I tried to do the healthy thing, and get rid of my SH tools, and it failed miserably. I don't want to have that conversation. I don't want to be honest. I wish I could just cease to exist at this point...

The consequences of telling you the thing I want to tell you is the thing I want to tell you. Is that not a big enough clue?

Dear T,

I need to tell you something. I am sorry. I am soooooo sorry. I am sorry you invested time in my. I am sorry you worked so hard towards helping me become someone I could live with, myself, and I am still lost.

I am sorry that I have let you down, I am sorry I have disapointed you. Eventhough you have not said these words to me, I feel them. You helped me leave my bad situation yet I returned. I feel like a fool. I feel like an idiot. But you must feel worse then I do. You tried to help me, tried to give me the tools, and for a little while I was doing good, but now, NOW I am not doing so good. What a disappointment I must be. What a failure I am. What a waste. I feel like I have let down the one person who cares. The one person who helped me and held my hand as I walked Threw the valley in the shadow of death. You guided me, gave me stregnth, gently pushed me and I quit. I quit fighting and I went back. I went back to him. No one else would stay for the crap he dishes out, yet I threw away every tool you gave me, I tossed out every effort you made to help me see the light.

What A fool you must think I am, a loser, a joke. You must think I am hopeless and beyond help. By now you must think that your efforts are going to be in vain. You must feel like you have been slapped in the face and have had all your efforts thrown to the wolves.

I don't know why you continue to care, why you continue to listen, why you continue to help. Why do you do it. You know I am a failure and not even you can save me. No one can save me at this point. No one but me, and I don't have the stregnth to do it alone. The only person who can save me from me is ME. Right now I can't even do that.

I cannot fight the battle alone. I cannot deal with the fear, the confusion, the pain, the emptiness, the questions, the doubt. I need someone to help me and be by my side as I try to get out of this mess I am in.

Thank you for your time, your support, your willingness, and your faith in me. I do not deserve any of it. Yet you gave to me. I am sorry I have screwed things up so badly and continue to do so.

Please never leave me, never stop helping, never stop believing when I can no longer believe in myself. Please, you have no idea what it means to me to have one person who will not lie to me, who will tell me like it is, who is always there, who does not judge, (or if you do I cannot tell ) who is always strong when I am weak. Thank you for all you do, all you have done and all the things you potentially do in the future. Who knew something so small as listening could have such a life long impact. Thank you.

I wish you would email me. I'm like 99.99999% sure you won't. I don't know why that 0.000001% of hope sits out there wishing rather than me being able to just not think about it. 19 hours to go. What am I going to do?

Dear CW,

I don't think I'm coming back. I'll just email you to cancel and attach what I wrote to you yesterday.

I am walking on a very, very thin edge and I don't think you have the sensitivity either to appreciate that or deal with it in a helpful manner. I can't afford anyone else's mistakes anymore.

I feel like you are preparing to tell me you think you are not the therapist for me. Maybe that has more to do with the Smaug episode than you. Regardless, being dumped hurts. And at some point I just can't take any more pain.

ATAT

48 hours left till our final session. I don't know if I can get through it without crying.

T,

The LGBT org got back to me with 2 date/times. I'll be seeing them at the end of this June because the earlier appointment is just 2 days after our session in mid June. I hope you understand why I want to see a counsellor in addition to you.

Dear MC,
Nervous to see you. Not sure if you'll already have talked to T, but probably not. I hope it's OK if we spend a couple minutes talking about my stuff, even though I know we need to focus on the marriage. But it's my stuff with T, and you're going to be talking to her about me, so I think it makes sense to discuss for a few. And maybe we can talk more about the direction the marriage counseling should be going, which I touched on a bit at the end of last session.

Still worried we won't be able to see you for some reason, but hope to be sitting in your office in 4 hours.
Love,
LT

Hi T,

I wanna know if what we did as children is considered to be "normal behavior" or not. I mean, it was fun back then, but thinking about it now it causes me a great level of disturbance. I don't wanna tell you though because... I'm ashamed of what we did? We were kids, it was a game. We laughed about it. Why is it bothering me so much right now?

You could just guess what it's about and tell me that it's normal. Please?

And concerning therapy... I want to quit again. I feel that what we do is not enough. That it'll never be enough.
I'm hurting T. That's why we shouldn't mess with my memories. Past is past

I am sorry you are struggling so much Your T seems like a good one, so I am going to re-iterate what my T has told me about this issue. She said she would never be angry that I was emailing too much. She said if I emailed every day, it probably showed her that maybe I need a higher level of care than what she could provide right then. But she wouldn't be mad. She also said that she knows when I e-mail, I am in distress, so she understands.

I also don't think from what you described, that is considered "too much" emailing. When I am doing well, I can go a few weeks to a month or so without ever needing to email my T. When I am not doing well, it is usually 2 or 3 times a week, with sometimes a phone call added in!
That has never bothered her. I know how it feels to be worried, but I am guessing that your T isn't worried that is "too much," and also, he would have a conversation with you about it, and not just take it away.
I agree that you should probably stop seeing CW. But I wonder if you somehow come off as being much more okay than you feel inside. Even when I read your posts about how unwell you are doing, it seems to be sort of cut off from the emotional side of it, if that makes sense. Also, it is through words and not in person--so I could be WAY off.

But if you think she wouldn't be able to provide a good response, I'd email her the letter as well.
Blink 182? If so, awesome!
Are you upset at your T for this? It seems like something that caught you both by surprise. I hope you can talk to her more about it.



Hey T: I haven't seen you in sooo long! I know 2 weeks isn't very much, but I feel like a lot has happened. I am looking forward to this evening.