Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

hi t,

you were perfect this week. can we try to replay this session again next time? it makes me feel so calm and safe when you are on top of your game.

me

Dear T,

I can't stop checking my emails. I am anxious to receive an email from you or from Old T, but not in a bad anxious way. Maybe more excitement? Like waiting for something that you want. That is a big step too, from how it was in the past that I was worried you had decided to make me leave or that you hated me or something.

I rarely obsessively check anymore, so not sure why this time, but there it is, I am doing it and it is annoying me. I think I am apprehensive to hear your thoughts, though that's not really a bad apprehension either.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now, and hope I will stop checking too, but I somehow doubt it.

Hi R,

Five more sleeps. I feel so freaking disconnected from everything, because I'm frustrated with myself. I want to be able to explore those difficult, tender places. I can't really do so outside of the sessions, because I don't have the faculties to support somebody else in dealing with their reaction to my honest emotional responses.

So...we'll start with the 'goals', and then I need to dive straight in. When I get to the place that I want to reach, that I'm scared of...don't let me back out. We've observed the pattern, now we break it, right?

See you on Thursday...

Don't hurt client's that come to you for help. Actions are irrevocable.

I am so incredibly nervous about seeing you on Monday. I'm terrified.

Heyyyy i miss you

Haha

T-

Not gonna lie the fact that I will see you tomorrow at the same event, is comforting right now. Well, actually I think it more will help me to feel grounded. It's funny how you talk about how you feel so out of place at these events, because that is how I am feeling about life in general.

Think before you disparage your client's name. It's not okay whether they find out or not. You will have a reputation of betrayal that will never leave.

I love you feelings mixed with angry feelings, with protect feelings. I want monday to come so we can talk about your vacation. I'm mad at you about the vacation. I don't want you to go. Tell me again the lines:
- you might not come back
- you want to come back
- something really bad would have to happen to keep you from coming back
- you might not think of me while you are gone
- you won't forget me (forget who I am)
- once back you'll look forward to seeing me

Can you add - if something really bad happens, if possible, you'll try to contact me? Would that be too much?

Don't die, don't get hurt, don't anything happen to your family; I still need you. I don't want you to get sick either. I know it is selfish, I feel bad about that, okay. Just come back please, I don't want to lose you yet.

Dear CW,

Sleepless night. I thought about writing something to bring to next session but my thoughts are too jumbled.

Also, no offense, but you are not the therapist of mine I want to be talking to these days.

ATAT

T,

Trying to figure out whether I'm extremely lazy or just depressed...

i still miss you and i miss my house and my things and my cat and my people

art T,

I'm still hurt and angry about not being able to see you longer.
But still: it was good to say goodbye face to face. To reflect together what has been happening in this group situation for me, and why. I felt seen, I felt validated, and you never gave me the impression that those feelings of mine are out of place. Which was overall very important for me. A new experience. And hopefully another bit in rewriting the narrative of my life...

And also - despite my rage and my anger - to make the experience that we still have a working relationship, that you are still there, that you "allow" those feelings and don't get threatened by them. So this was another new one.

Still sad, still grieving. Slightly apprehensive about those referrals you gave me.
But not totally desolate any longer.

cr

Miss you, I can't survive 2 weeks without you

Miss you T. I want to talk to you. I hope we will find a way, as you said. Tomorrow I will see you tomorrow.

Well... all the drama today has certainly taken my mind off the fact that I'm TERRIFIED ABOUT SEEING YOU TOMORROW OH GOD!

T,

I am going through hell right now. I need your help to help me pull through. I am sicker than a dog (thanks to my pdoc's ignorance) and I have to get surgery on top of that. Yeah, I'm not happy.

I suspect I'll be depressed tomorrow or something like that. My pdoc f_cked with my medication and I'm currently experiencing nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, cold sweats, chills, etc.. I almost puked. And usually depression will come after that. So I hope I don't feel suicidal the day of my surgery on Tuesday

T, I appreciate you in a whole new light. You are a really really good T and really good at what you do. No wonder you're always getting promoted. So many people can't cope with the kinds of problems that you know how to help with. And I see how you truly love your job, and make it look effortless. (I've always thought that making it look effortless is a mark of true skill. Like a ballet dancer).
I really hope that in the places you work you have co-workers who are skilled and committed and compassionate like you are.

Dear T,

There are memories that need sharing. Snippets that need to escape, that need to be heard, but I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to do that. Ever. It feels impossible.

Me

I'm missing you so much I'm crying.

Dear T: I am going to start setting some goals in therapy. I know you're not big on things like that but I need to do it. I'm so done with all the stuff from the past that we have already worked through, I'm working myself through the recently come-back-up childhood bully stuff (and I'll tell you about how on Wednesday), and I'm ready to move forward. So we need to set some goals for that. For moving forward. And yes, my moving forward does include no longer needing to come see you. I know I'm not there yet, but I can see it, and I want to start working toward that. Hoping you had a wonderful trip and a restful, rejuvenating birthday. See you Wednesday.

You have to ask the question...i can't say.

Please answer my email with something comforting and reassuring. I need that right now.

wish I had met you as a friend. I just want to hang out with you and listen to your irreverent sense of humor.