Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I hope everything goes well.

I think it's great that your marriage counselor and therapist are so in touch with each other. My pdoc and therapist are hardly in touch with each other... and they work in the same office!

Anyway, it sounds like you have something you need to get off your chest. IMO, it's good to let it out. I know I sometimes tell my pdoc things that I should tell my T (and vice versa), but it makes me feel so much better to just let it out so that I'm not constantly thinking about it.

I love you so much I feel like I could be sick.

(trigger for drug reference)

I am so bored

I hate you because you don't really care. You pretend but then you always leave me alone, in pain. It's like being abandoned over and over again.

Dear T,

Do you know what subject you stepped into? Yikes you do...do you want to just reserve me a bed now?

Actually please don't but really?

Oh no. Not good. It's 2am. I need to sleep. Please leave my brain alone now.

My daughter is confused. You used her, cheated on her and disposed of her. I thought you were her therapist not a boyfriend. What say you?

Dear Dr. S, We talked about a crash or a peel before your vacation. Well, I crashed. We are broken. Don't now if it can be fixed. Were you not listening to me at all the week before your vacation? Did you not read my journal? I told you what I wanted to experience. Are you going to take responsibility and say that you missed something here? Because I feel like you made a big mistake in how you handled it. I'm adding to the rules not abolishing them. Does not bode well for us. - me

Hi T.

i'm so scared for tomorrow. I know having T with me will be a huge help, but sort of wish you could be there too. Ugh.

Dear Ex-T, why can't you be the T I need?

M

Thank you!

It feels so good to be out of that bad place.

Her name is Brandy. She is very grateful. The LO and the 12yo have invited her to sit with them in the safe place. She accepted and there is peace for now.

There are questions but they can wait. Analytical is being respectful.

It feels good for a bit.

It's late but at least it's not 3.

She just wanted to tell you thank you!

Trail

Hi T,

Looks like I'll be seeing them two days after you. End this June is no longer available according to them.

I'm being assigned a male counsellor who is pretty dang well known in the community. I'm scared.

Hugs! My pocket is nice and comfy.

Regarding your dear T post, it's OK for your feelings to have changed. I hope T can help you because you deserve support, care, help

T,

I am thankful for our conversation yesterday and that some of this stuff is finally out in the open. Problem is, self loathing has really sunk in the last 12 hours and I am seriously struggling right now. I wish you could just make this all go away but I know that is my burdan to bear. I am so worried that you think less of me now that you have seen this part of me.... please don't give up on me, I already feel like giving up on myself.

~K

I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to lie in bed thinking of you.

19 hours to go. Yes I'm counting. And numb.

Your face. Your face is just mind-numbingly beautiful to me. When I look at you, all intelligent life leaves the premises, and I am but a glob of need. For the first time in weeks I had it in me to look at you squarely in the eyes, and you were not cold or uncaring at all. My anger melted away. I keep playing all the little nuances of your expressions over and over in my mind, dreading the moment they will be gone, knowing that will feel like watching something crucial to me sink into the bottom of an ocean. It's like trying in vain to hold on to a dream that mercilessly slips away.

Dear T,
I told you something today, that I did something I am really embarassed about. Your reaction was great. You didn't laugh at me even when I was laughing at myself, you were just sad for me I'd had to use that method to cope in the past.
Thank you.
Breadfish

Thanks for letting me come study and tell ur wife thanks for letting me have that rope

Dear T

This all feels very surreal right now. Not used to sharing that much or feeling that much.

One song was about her, one song was about you.

I want to love you but I don't know if I can, because I don't know you.

Limited. I always knew this was limited. That's a risk, a compromise that I was aware of, and one I was willing to take. One I still am willing to take. It hurts, but nowhere near as much as it hurt realising that my Mum couldn't be who I needed her to be.

Giving up my truth in the search for what I needed. I had to. I was desperate.

Put the feelings in the book. They matter. They want to be recorded. Recognised. Remembered.

I feel weak and small right now.

I still need you. I need you right now. I want you. I want you to make it all go away. I want you to make it better.

I will look after myself. I promise.

It's hard. It hurts. I feel like .......... I don't know. I feel weird.

I love you, T, and I so dearly wish for you to love me back.

I saw ur wife had a bit of a tummy??? ☺

Hei T,

What you said today hurt. Basically everything you said today hurt.

I tried to explain something to you. You didn't understand at all. I got the expression that you didn't even try. You don't seem to get how disconnected I am from all of this. How I don't care about anything that happens to me. Stop trying to convince me that I should care. I know that.

Please stop asking me those stupid CBT-Questions too. I know those things work for some people. They don't for me. I can buy a workbook if I feel the need to...

I guess you had planned to stop what we were doing the past few weeks for a while. I'm sure you thought about it before we even started. So... I get why it's probably best to lay this on ice for the moment, but I don't get why we started at all then.

I felt like crying today. And no. Just accepting that this part of me exists isn't enough. Imagining to have taken care of her isn't either. Just so you know


I also know that things could have been worse. Really. I know that good things happened in my past, that I've probably had nice and healthy relationships. There's just no DAMN POINT TO IT AS I DON'T REMEMBER THEM.
I also know that I could be off worse.

I don't wanna see you again. I really adore you. You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while, but I can't let you mess with my brain that much.

Hi R,

If I can't get what I need to tell you out via email, how the hell am I going to do it in session? The last week has been pivotal, and I don't want to miss any of the important bits out, but words always get tangled up when I'm in session. Some of the ones that come out aren't the ones I want, and the ones that I would love to be able to say get stuck in my throat.

Help me stay in the room on Thursday?

I love you...(I know, but still, you're a beatiful person, I think...)

Dear K,
I am terrified to come to my appt tomorrow. I know I did the right thing texting you this afternoon, but it's scary because now you know I am not ok. And you know how not ok I am. And it's really scary, cuz I feel weak, and vulnerable, and I wanna just not show.