Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

do you even remember me lol

Dear dr s, you know yesterday when I said I wasn't going to ask for anything from you regarding the vacation, that didn't mean I didn't want anything. I hope you understand what I want is to not have to ask for something. You usually if not always make me ask. Well most likely talk about this tomorrow. With love, me

I understand that childcare stuff isnt always within your control but I'm pretty pissed off right now that you just told me we can't meet this week unless I can make tomorrow afternoon work...i wrote you this long email about some really tough stuff I dealt with growing up and now I might have to wait two weeks to talk about it?! I'm so mad right now, I don't even want to try and make tomorrow work because I'm angry with you and I don't think it will be productive. However, I also don't want to wait two weeks.....this sucks. I don't know what to do. A small part of me just wants to quit.

heeeeeyyy t. i have a lot to talk about tomorrow. and i got to thinking just now that none of it has to do with the past (well i mean it sort of does because of the topic of my story i'm writing for my class, but i want to talk about the story and the CURRENT forgiveness i'm trying to find, NOT the past). i meant it last time i was there. i'm done with it. i'm not going to give it any more of my energy. Onward! To the future I go!!

where's a flying delorean when you need one?!

I miss u a lots

I wish I had recorded yesterday's session.

Hi T- I am slightly worried you haven't gotten my emails, or have decided to stop replying unless I am in great distress. If that is the case, I truly don't mind, but I re-read what I wrote you last week, and the topic of the email did not come up at all in session. So is it not important?

Slightly put off, but we will see if you write back by Saturday- bc you do need to tell me if we are seeing each other on Monday.

Dear T,

I don't know if I will bring this up or not, because I do not know if it is important or not, but I really didn't know how to reply to your text.

I wanted to write 'lol, boo indeed! Not to worry, I look forward to it regardless. Thank you'.

Thing is, that seems too friendly and I don't want to go there with you. Well, I guess on one hand I really, really do want to go there with you. Normal interaction. Relaxed. Free flowing. But it scares me, because it takes me one step closer to something that cannot be, despite the free flowing being on our radar as something that would be good for me in general.

I got scared, I guess, so I just went with the formal response instead. I hope you didn't think I was being rude. Just confused.

Hi T i see you tomorrow. I missed you. You know that though. I'm soooooooooo glad to be home. LOVE
me

Hey t I how about that I left you alone for 2 whole weeks!

Look forward to coming back on Friday, so far I still like going... but I am getting scared to tell you the topic I've never spoken about in 3 years.... I need to get it out though. So Thanks in advance for listening and handling it well

I'm feeling the need to talk about ending again.

eta after coming home from my session: this is SO HILARIOUS.

Dear all of you, from No. 1 to CW,

It is not as though I see mental health professionals with high expectations. Quite the contrary. And yet every single one of you has managed not to meet those expectations.

Pretty gosh-darn amazing, huh?

ATAT

Dear MC,
I feel kind of bad about talking about you in T today. It's funny how I can both love and feel confused that you're fuzzy on boundaries. It's like when you bend them for me it makes me feel special...(yeah, I know, all of your clients are special). But then I'm scared that at some point randomly you'll decide to lock them down. I was worried about that with session times, but that lasted about, what, a week? And then you were back to going over.

But I don't want to lose e-mail or phone calls. I suppose because you were basically encouraging me to e-mail this week, I don't need to worry about that. But I'm just afraid you'll suddenly realize that maybe you shouldn't be exchanging e-mails or be on 25-minute phone calls with one half of a couple that you're counseling. And then you'll just cut me off, cold turkey. I want to get there myself. I wonder if the fact that I'm not sure what to tell you in an e-mail right now is a sign I'm headed there?

Of course, I'll probably just send you an e-mail saying "I don't know what to tell you in an e-mail."

I know you're just trying your best to help all your clients however they need it. I mean, maybe you have some paternal counter-transference for me, like you want to take care of and protect me. But I think it all stems from your desire--your need, really--to help people. And you've helped me more than you've hurt me. It's just confusing sometimes...

Love you,
LT

hey t... i have a huge headache right now after seeing you today. that was a hard realization i came to and said out loud to you. i am mad at you for doing your job so well! how silly of me. i'm never going to be done with therapy, am i. i couldn't even let you give me a hug because i needed to punish myself or something for what i realized about me. that was really hard, t. i can understand at the moment why attachment in therapy is important - because if i weren't so attached to you, i would never come back after this.

^ the hug thing made me chuckle. I am actually so scared mine will hug me one day, hugs is one of my issues i am working on.

Anyway... carry on.... lol

agh t! i know what we talked about and what i said i will do and i don't know if i can do it!!!!!!!

I just did my own list of 13 Reasons Why. (Haven't seen the show, just read the Wikipedia entry - and I am not suicidal.)

It was surprisingly helpful, even when I listed myself as a reason why. I guess it was more like a list of 13 reasons why I feel like **** right now.

I'm sorry.

I missed your radio interview because of work yesterday!
I hope they'll upload recording

Two hours to go...we both know what we have to do, what I have to do. I feel as though I'm probably going to want to run away, but you will have to keep me in that place that I know I need to be in to get through this.

You're just a human...just a human

Hi R,

Thank you for keeping me safe today. I'm frustrated that we didn't have the session I had been building towards, but 'maybe it wasn't the right time', indeed. I'm encouraged that you will walk as far as you can with me, even though it is my road. Thanks for bearing with the Harry Potter analogy, even though you hadn't seen the film. I'm going to want to run away, but you're not to let me.
See you on the 8th.

I'm not sure if it's okay if I email you this so I'll just put it here for now...

I was pretty out of it when I left our session yesterday. I felt like I was dissociating a little towards the end but I wasn't completely sure so I didn't say anything. I was sort of on autopilot and I remember everything but I wasn't really feeling anything.

It's sometimes hard to tell if I'm dissociating or not and I don't want to stop EMDR if I'm not actually dissociating. I'm struggling with being able to know when to stop and when to keep pushing forward.

I know I should have said something when I was leaving and you asked me if I felt okay to leave, but like I said, I was sort of on autopilot and I also didn't want to make you stay longer.

I've just been thinking about it a lot since yesterday and I wanted to tell you.

Hope you have a great long weekend.