Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I'm sure you hate me now anyway.

I don't know what to do.

Art. It is not. Two people make a relationship, two people break it.

You're starting the cycle I mentioned earlier on the Couch. You can interrupt it. You're strong enough.

My T thinks I'm gross. He actually said that.
But that's ok because that's true.

Hi T
I dont want to see you today.
You hate me because i'm ugly and stupid.
I don't deserve you.
But love you anyway

I dont like the idea of a deadline. I realize im talking about a perfect world where money doesnt matter. I want to be free to hear myself when i do tell myself from the inside that its time. I dont want to force that deadline on myself from the outside.

So i would say that "growing up" is taking responsibility for when you call time - whether you decide to call it from the inside or the outside. Growing up is not necessarily calling time (over).

But then again, my model is my dad. Every time my mom tried to rush him, he would move even slower! And she rushed me my whole life. So i have no patience for rushing now!

Thats an awful and unprofessional thing to say captgut. You are not gross.

Hei T,

So, I'm angry. What's the point of that now?

It's just gonna transform to desperation and helplessness

Nope, not doing this anymore. I'll start looking for a job now.

And I might have drunk alcohol in order not to SH... Will you still see me for session?

It's been 6 weeks and I really miss you. I thought I would be okay. I'm trying to remember the things you would say to help me deal with my current situation. Doesn't stop the random tear sliding down my cheek when I least expect it.

I hope your T sees you. You deserve so much. I wish I could send the care I feel over to you if it'll help ((hug))

I know I am (eta) starting that cycle. But I'm not telling her that. I'm trying to interrupt it. I am. But my heart is in shreds right now and I feel so stupid. (eta) and i don't know that i am strong enough to interrupt it. part of me wonders if she was baiting me on purpose like h said to analyze my reaction. all's i know is i feel horrible and heartbroken. she tried to say some 'right things' yesterday. i remember she did. but they sounded all plastic and fake and textbook-y.

i am strong. i will not go back down that same road. i'll keep telling myself this and hope my heart starts putting itself back together.

Sooo

I can't stop this mania. I don't know what to do. I'm surprised you didn't say anything when I mentioned my recent (technically, current) shopping spree! The only thing you said when I mentioned how much I spent was, "wow, that's a lot!"

Gee, thanks...

My psychiatrist is out of the office, so you're the only one who can help me right now. Don't continue to let me down!

S (ex-T),

You won't be here... you won't be here if anything bad happens to me. You won't be here for me to hide with. You won't be here for me to hold onto. You won't be here to make me feel safe.

You're not coming back. I don't ****ing want to ****ing go to group or see ****ing J or the ****ing massage therapist I booked to try and replace ALL the ****ing places in my brain where you exist. I don't ****ing want any of this. I want you. I want your office. I want you. I didn't get to say goodbye to our therapy, to your office. I am never going to ****ing be ok. Never. It has been ****ing months, and I am still. not. ok. and I cannot do this.

I just want you. I just want you. I want you.

J (current T)?? Or maybe to nobody....

Why would I ever think that I would be different?
S left his wife, his severely disabled kid...who he talks about as if he's an object. Who he doesn't even claim as his.
S does stupid **** like sending his ex wife flowers randomly out of the blue on Mother's day to make HIMSELF feel better.
Why would I ever think that he would care about me or what is best for me?
Why would I ever think that he would put me first?
If not for his kid, why the **** would he do it for me?

I should've run mere weeks after meeting him when I uncovered all of this about him. I knew. I knew right then that here was a guy who spelled trouble -- he abandoned his child. He abandoned his severely disabled child. No matter how he tries to spin it, how much he demonizes his ex wife, he still abandoned his child. He could've fought. He could've hired lawyers and fought like hell. But he didn't. He left. For himself. And didn't look back. And disowned his son. Just like his dad disowned him. Whether he wants to admit it or not. And I keep trying to avoid saying it, because I'm terrified of believing it about him.

I believed he was the best therapist in the world.
I believed he was the best, because he told me he was the best.
But, what other evidence do I have?
He was not busting at the seams with clients...
He's not published anywhere... he's not won any awards.
He's not even well-known in the community. Nobody I interviewed to be a new therapist for me knew his name.

All right... Wellp. Yeah

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I LOVE YOU (now you know)

Three weeks without you
Have a great vacation!

T I should probably say thank you because after the disaster of a session yesterday I am finding my strength. It is bigger than I knew. I wish you could have been better yesterday. My heart still hurts. But this needed to happen, I think. I think I will come next time since it's already scheduled and then take a break if that's what you want to call it. Not sure we can repair "us" this time and maybe we're not supposed to.

I hate u but I need you now

S (ex-T/now "friend"???) whatever he is.

Being nothing to you = being nothing, period.
I know, I know, you have not said I am "nothing."
That is how the child part of my brain works, and it is very strong, and I cannot cram it back and keep it there.
You never responded. I cried out more genuinely and in more overwhelming pain than you could know, and there was no response. No acknowledgement. Just, nothing.
I know, I know, you have no emotional reserve. You warned me.
Neither do I. It doesn't matter that I was warned. I can't handle crying out and receiving no response. And, I can't handle having you but without your support, your safety, your care.
What do I have, then? A surface-level texting correspondence? Memes and "how's the weather-"level conversation, and nothing more?
It may have been enough had we not had something deeper for 3 years first.
I can't handle how much and how frequently I am getting hurt.
I'm not who I was. I'm not the same person, and neither are you.

Hi Dr. S, I see you in 4 hours. The little boy is fully present and is having the emotional swings of a 4 yr old. I don't know about today. - me

Can you please come hold me like you used to? Please?

Hi R,

Today's session was odd. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't finish the poem. This is my life, and as such I should be able to handle it. Went to the supermarket a couple of hours afterwards, and bumped into a friend. Conversation turns to the death of her brother...she was the nurse on duty at the time. 'When I heard the cardiac bell go, I knew who it was for...'

I was climbing the walls. Too similar to those long nights, wondering whether she would survive or not. 'The human body can only take so much'...and still I recall everything about those experiences as though they were yesterday.

Help me draw the poison out, please...

continued...

So, what do we do now?
What now?
I don't want to lose you, but it honestly seems I already have. I have lost too much of what we were for what's left to count as "still having you." But, my brain won't accept it. I still catch myself every day counting down "x number of days until I see...wait, it's J, not S" ...pain... every. day. I have to make that correction. Multiple times a day. Always subconsciously latching on to tiny fragments of hope that this isn't real. That you will come back. That I am only just holding my breath "until..."
What do we do now?
What do we do now...