Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

J,

I'm scared to see you today. I'm scared that you don't want to see me, that you think this extra appointment is too much, that I am too much. I'm scared that you are upset or irritated with me for shutting down on Friday. I wrote and printed out a letter to give you, but I'm scared to give it to you. I want to hide.

Not-so-dear Current T --

I can't decide if your latest trick was an icky combination of manipulation and infantilization or some semblance of real caring.

If I'm right and it was manipulation, I wish you'd put in the effort to make it a trifle more subtle? Do note that my standards (given my vast and long experience) are rather high.

I guess if I'm still having such doubts, it speaks to our "fit".

I'm taking up the new therapist I contacted last night on her offer to see me next week.

I won't tell you that of course.

Honesty (or the distinct lack thereof) goes both ways and so on.

- AY

RoboT, I am mad at you. You said that you would email me when we met on Saturday. It's 48+ hours later. I can't stand when people don't keep to their promises.

Daisy

ETA: you must have heard me. Thank you for the email.

Dear t-

I think you are too good to be true. I am waiting for it all to go to hell.

Little one wants to play tomorrow but after last week I think I will talk to you first, with the caveat that you make sure that we make time for play too. I want to pit that on you and I want you to make that happen. She will be disappointed if you don't. I often try, and sometimes I succeed, but often I fail and let little one down.

Last week I enjoyed playing with you but when we got round to talking, I just wanted to run away from it all, physically and mentally. That did create some....work?....but I don't remember any of it so it might all have been pointless? Don't know.

Anyway, I have stuff I want to talk about. An awkward position I have been put in where I have been asked to lie to someone, by email, that I don't know, because of bad blood between people. It makes me feel bad. I wonder if we can find a name for that feeling. Frozen to my seat. Ankles hurting from being crossed. Tense muscles in my legs. Arms pinned back and raised. Tense? Is it alert? Ready for something? I don't know, but I think it would be useful to look at this. I think its unfair that I have been asked to do this, but I can't say I wouldn't do it. I did manage to say I would rather someone else did it, but when they told me what to say I just said OK, as long as I could say that it was coming from someone else. It isn't OK though, for me.

And I guess maybe I want to talk about H being home, but not desperately.

Anyway. See you in 9 hours. Guess I should try and get some sleep.

*string of expletives*

Nah. You've been with him a long time, and from what I've seen over the years (? i think!), is that he has been a very trustworthy and awesome T

Those do exist despite popular belief on this forum

T,

Why does no one like me?

I know he does have a pretty good track record for last 5 1/2 years..

I like you.

T,

I see you today. I don't know we'll resolve things. As usual, it all feels stupid and unimportant now. I don't know if we can resolve it. I don't know if you want to.

Also, I don't matter enough to you. This is 11 months of just seeing you once a month. This situation is not going to end. I've hoped for so long.

Me too!

M.

Man!! Horrible headache!!

I had to use the cards to get order to my thoughts. It is overwhelming now. I'm trying to sort out what to feel or even think about.

I want to get in my car and drive. Away. Away!!

Compliance is there. Much confusion. Compliance is numb.

We will hang here and see what comes.

Thank you for being who you are.

Thank you for not putting us in a box and being open to hear us.

Trail/12yo/LO/Brandy/Lucy/Star - Compliance

T,

Three and a half hours till I see you. My mood is cynical, grumpy, combative because I haven't eaten for 24 hours.

Sure you want to see the "real" me and not the "good" me? The real me is nasty, combative, and can be pretty ****ing prickly. And I know you dislike me being prickly. And the real me is so very cynical and believes you really don't genuinely care.

I'm mad, very, very mad. Can you handle it?

You didn't need to laugh so hard T!!! Though the fact that I can see the funny side of that is a sign of my development I think. A good thing.

So that's your Son, well, one of them anyway. I wanted to go up to him and tell him how lucky he is. I hope he knows it. How I wish I could greet you like he did. "Hi Mum". Maybe one day I will do it anyway, because you have been more of a Mum to me, emotionally, than my Mum ever could have been, I think. Keep that stone safe and hidden for now, because my knowing that you have it is enough for now.

I am going to get some bubbles and have them for those moments. Not my circus, not my monkeys. My monkeys fly.

Something else I need to give back to someone else is the stuff that happened at school. I think I would like to write them a letter. I know that it won't make it not have happened, but maybe having my voice heard is what I need. The big question is whether I put my address on it or not. Whether I want a reply or not. If I brought it then you could read it aloud for me and then maybe you could post it for me. Something about that feels right. Someone showing up for me. Helping me to get my voice heard. Maybe. I will sit on that and see.

Good game today, I would like to play it again on Friday.

Adopt me please?
Or kill me maybe?

You made me so paranoid today. I don't even know why. You said I'm inventing things in my head

I am scared for today. Feeling way too vulnerable

J,

Yesterday was hard, but I feel a lot better knowing that you know some of the things about me that I don't let anyone know and yet are not dumping me as a client and still choosing to sit in a room with me. Maybe on Friday I will be brave enough to ask you the questions I wasn't ready to ask yesterday. I really needed that session. I feel a lot more stable - a lot more like I can support S (ex-T) as a friend right now knowing that I'm no longer losing the "only person" who knew those things I have now told you.

Thank you for being a really good and professional therapist with strong boundaries that you are confident you can hold. I didn't even realize how much I wanted and depended on those boundaries until now. They make me feel safe. It is really nice to be seeing a therapist who I don't have to worry about supporting -- It was really good to hear that my time with you is going to be 100% about me.

We still don't "know eachother" and our styles perfectly, but that's ok. I have a lot more confidence in this working now.

I love you

Thanks for giving me a place to study

Dear MC,
Seeing you at our original 10 a.m. time would have been much more convenient, but we can make 1:00 work...just feel a little bad having D be in Aftercare for 90 minutes on last day of school, but that's what we pay them for... Hope all is OK. Last-minute changes just make me nervous you'll have to cancel entirely...
Love,
LT

Can you please see that it is the little boy that needs to be told he is wanted/welcomed - can you talk at his level, not at mine.

I'm scared that you might hurt me terribly.